So You Want to be the Police: Driving

It probably goes without saying that police driving is different from civilian driving. If you want to be the police, there are some very important things to remember. These tips will help you stay safe, sane, and employed.

For the first tip, we must go back to high-school physics. We must always be cognizant of the fact that two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. No matter how hard you try, you cannot get your patrol car to pass through another vehicle unscathed.

You may think that the emblem on the side of a police care identifies the agency to which the car belongs. You would be wrong. The emblem is actually a coded sign that tells shit-bags, “I am easy to sue!” What that means to any of you prospective police officers is don’t expect the other drivers on the road to proceed with common sense. They will pull out in front of you praying that they hit you. They will motion you to go at an intersection, only to pull out, once again, praying you hit them. They will do all manner of idiotic things in an attempt to get your car to collide with their car. Then, they have the audacity to accuse you of writing them a ticket just because you’re mad they got in front of you in traffic.

Finally, I am convinced that all those psychological tests we are subjected to when we get hired serve a purpose other than making sure we are not psychos, deviants, and/or sadists. The main purpose of those tests are to make sure we are not susceptible to the brain sucking effects of the strobe lights. I wouldn’t think that pulling as far to the right as possible, and stopping is a hard concept to grasp. It never fails, when the lights come on, and you absolutely need to get somewhere fast, other drivers lose their fucking minds. They speed up, they straddle the center line, they pull left, they jam their breaks, they pull in front of you from private drives while you are doing 120 mph. I’m not sure how the strobe lights steal brains, or what they do with the the brains once they have them, and I think someone should do a study of this phenomenon.

Help Me Understand Something

As a 10 year law enforcement professional, sometimes I have trouble understanding some things. See, cops think very differently than most people when it pertains to law enforcement topics, just like I am sure doctors think differently on medical matters, and so on. Sometimes I wonder if I have been in law enforcement so long that I have lost touch with the non-police world. I want you to help me wrap my mind around a few things.

Is it just me, or is it pretty stupid for a parent to call the police because their kid doesn’t want to go to school? Isn’t one pretty much admitting defeat as a parent at that point? Is it wrong of me to have so much disdain in my heart for these people?

Is it just me, or does it seem rather idiotic for one to argue the law with the police? Let’s say for the sake of argument that the hypothetical policeperson (we must be politically correct) is wrong. The hypothetical policeperson is going to do their job the way they see fit, and the hypothetical complainant will not win this argument. Let me give you a for instance: Complainant calls police because their wife took their vehicle. Policeperson says that in this state all property is considered community property until the divorce is settled. What would prompt the complainant to answer with an ill-informed “No it’s not.”

Is it just me, or do people not understand that policepersons pay taxes too, and therefore pay their own salary? Why do idiots always throw out, “I pay your salary!” Bitch, I pay taxes too, so I pay as much of my salary as you do. Along with that, I know the Sheriff too. Spoke to him this morning, as a matter of fact.

Maybe I’m just an asshole that has become too cynical during the course of my career. Maybe I am completely out of touch. Somebody set me straight if I am wrong.

Naked Dude Gets The Crap Tased Out Of Him

I know, it’s a link to the Huffington Post. I despise HuffPo with every fiber of being, and would not willingly direct any of my readers to that den of asshattery. However, these are special circumstances. This video is too great not send you to it. I don’t know what else to do.

Now, in preparing to view this gem you need to keep in mind two things. First this video is not safe for work. Second, Jealous? Jealous of what?

So click here to view the video. Don’t venture too far away from the video, or you may get covered in batshit, and squirrel turds.

Let this be a lesson to you boys, and girls, when the friendly police man is asking you politely to do something, it’s not a good idea to say “I don’t have to!” Because, actually, you do have to. And you will, one way or the other.

Taser XREP

I know the Taser XREP isn’t exactly new. I just think it would be a crime for anyone not to know about this wonderfully gruesome little device. If you’re bored (and if you’re reading this on Saturday, I know you are) watch the following promo from Taser. This thing just amazes me.

Can you imagine riding the lightening for 20 seconds? This thing is amazing, twisted, exceptionally useful, and sadistic all at the same time.

So, Do You Think The Taser Is a Load of Bull?

I have always wanted to try this. Where I work, there are still some rural areas, and we have to deal with fugitive livestock. I was always curious what would happen, but it appears some enterprising individual tested this theory.

So, how many times do you have to pull the trigger for medium rare?

So You Want to be the Police: You’ll See Dead People

In this line of work, it is inevitable that you will see dead bodies. You’ll see old people that died in their sleep. Young people cut down in the prime of their lives. Freak accidents, and deaths that can’t be immediately explained.

Though I am a seasoned law enforcement officer, the sight of a dead body always affects me. I’m not so cynical that I have become totally numb to the loss of human life. Every single time I see a dead body, it makes me question things that I wouldn’t otherwise take the time to think about.

One of the first questions that always pops into my head when viewing a dead body is what the fuck is that smell? No, seriously, what the fuck is that smell. Is that the dead dude I’m smelling, or that bowl of tuna fish sitting on the counter? Maybe it’s that mangy Pomeranian in the kennel in the bathroom. Whatever it is, it stinks.

One of the things that I mull over at suicide scenes is, what the fuck did I just step in? Was that dog shit? It was kind of squishy, I hope it wasn’t a hunk of brain. That question usually leads to, is there a water hose around here? I don’t want to track whatever that was into my unit.

Another one of the mysteries of life that I’ll ponder at a death scene is whether or not the rookie is gonna puke. He is a little wide eyed and pale. Maybe he already puked, and was smooth enough to keep everyone from seeing. Maybe that’s what I’m smelling. Maybe that’s what I stepped in.

Sometimes I’ll share my profound questions with some of my co-workers. Sometimes the questions are just too poignant to keep to myself. Sometimes I’ll enlist my co-workers’ insight to solve one of these mysteries. Especially when the question is where are we going to eat lunch when we leave here? I’m starving, and I don’t give a shit if that rookie lost his appetite. He needs to learn to suck it up.

Probably the most important question that hits me is how much longer are those damned detectives going to keep me out here? Do they really need to keep me out here with my thumb up my ass while they poke this guy’s entrails with a stick? I need to go wash off my boots, and I’m still freakin’ starving.

Law Enforcement Facts: Suicide

Suicide is a stupid, selfish thing to do. It’s been said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I would not suggest that you try it. If you did try it, I would think you were stupid and selfish, and you will likely go to Hell. With that being said…

Suicide isn’t complicated. All you have to do is perform an act that is guaranteed to kill you. Large amounts of poisons work well. So does the liberal application of bullets to your head. Hanging will get the job done. Dousing yourself with gasoline, and setting yourself on fire will do the trick as well. If you are attempting suicide, you are a failure at life. If you fail at suicide, you are a failure at death. If you fail at suicide, you have pulled a fail of epic proportions.

If you’re going to commit suicide, just do it. There is no need to let anyone know. You telling the police that you are going to kill yourself will pretty much cause you to keep living. For instance, don’t take one handful of pills, call the police and tell them you are going to take another handful of pills. There is no reason for us to know. There is nothing criminal about wanting to commit suicide.

If you’re going to kill yourself, for Pete’s sake, leave a frikkin note! If you leave a note, we’ll show up, see your dead body, read the note, and say, “Hey, this fool committed suicide!” That’s a wrap. If you don’t leave a note, we’ll show up, see your dead body hanging by a noose from the ceiling fan, and say, “Hey, this fool committed suicide!” Then your family will show up. They will be convinced that you were murdered because you bound your own hands before hanging yourself, and pester the detectives to continue investigating this case. You were a pain in the ass in life, and now you are continuing to be a pain in the ass after you’re dead. Why would you want to cause us all this aggravation?

When you write your note, make it short, and to the point. Five hundred words or less should do the trick. Also, spare us the hurting your family routine. You know what I mean? All this melodrama about how your parents forced you to do this, and your parents are murderers is just asinine. If they were really that bad as parents, they don’t care. If they weren’t as bad as you thought prior to assuming room temperature, you’ve hurt them enough already. Nothing you can say will make it worse. They will already think it is their fault and that they did something wrong because it’s the way parents think. Besides, I don’t want to read all that emotional bullshit.

Finally, what kind of loser commits suicide behind a member of the opposite sex? I always have a hard time wrapping my head around that one. Think about this for just a moment. These fools say, “He/She cheated on me! I’ll show them! I’ll kill myself!” If they were cheating, they don’t care that much. Seriously, there are lots of women/men out there. Not many that will sleep with a codependent, emotional wreck devoid of self-esteem such as yourself, but more are out there. I’ve seen them. Usually when I’ve shown up a residence where someone called the police to tell them they are about to commit suicide.

So You Want to be the Police: What You Can Learn From My Latest Seven Day Work Week

…And other fun facts

So, you want to be the police, huh? Let me give you some insight into what you will face if you decide to get behind the badge. I just worked a seven day work week. It’s not the first and won’t be the last. This one was by choice. I volunteered to work a warrant round-up on my days off for time and a half. After all, they pay me like a policeman. After working this seven day work week, and listening to mostly talk radio during the day, I have come to a startling conclusion. According to the Barack Obama administration, working for seven straight twelve hour days is a form of torture.

The English philosopher Herbert Spencer said, “The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.” With every passing day that I work, I am more convinced that the human race has defeated natural selection. The majority of my time at work is spent shielding men from the effects of folly. As the years have passed, I have watched as juvenile delinquents have grown to convicted felons, and begin to raise their very own future convicted felons. In years past these people would have been hanged in the town square for rustling cattle or something. The gene pool needs an enema. Maybe swine flu will help me out with that.

Once you reach a certain level of crazy, we should be able to put you down like a rabid dog. Once you exhibit symptoms of being a dangerous crazy person, the responding officers should be able to just end it, right there, for the sake of the community. I’m sure you’re wondering who would make the determination of what is “too crazy”? Well, that’s easy. Me, of course. I would be good at that job.

I spent some time working with some guys from the United States Marshall’s Service. I let one of them borrow my pen, and I never got it back. Let this be a lesson to you. Every time you let the Federal government borrow one of your freedoms for the sake of safety, it will end up wherever my pen is.

Right Wing Extremist Vs. Law Enforcement

I find myself in a paradox. I’m sure you have all heard about the Department of Homeland Security report on right wing extremists. Basically the report warns law enforcement that right wing extremism is on the rise, and gives us some clues on how to spot right wing extremists.

You might be a dangerous right wing extremist if you don’t think Barack Obama is doing a good job. You might be a dangerous right wing extremist if you don’t want to see more restrictions on firearms and ammunition. You might be a dangerous right wing extremist if you think illegal immigration is a problem.

The paradox comes in because I am all of the above. So I guess I am supposed to be on the look out for myself. What should I do if I see myself? Should I notify Homeland Security, or the FBI? Should I take cover and call for back up? Should I try to apprehend myself? Apparently I am a threat to society and charged with protecting society. I am so confused.

See I don’t want to go to jail. Maybe I should hide from myself. I think I’ll have to stop shaving to avoid detection. That would cause me to grow a beard, and I might have a harder time recognizing myself. I thought about running, but I don’t think I can outrun me.

So You Want to be the Police: Child Psychology

Law enforcement officers wear many hats. From traffic control to shooting stupid people, we are expected to be able to fix any problem. Sometimes people ask us to do things that are utterly impossible.

Let’s say you are a single mother. Your career path has been mainly exotic dancing up to this point. Let’s also say you have a fourteen year old daughter that you leave with your mother every night when you go to work at the local exposed breast establishment. How could you possibly be pissed when you come home and find your fourteen year old angel screwing an eighteen year old member of the Future Felons of America? You’ve taught that child all she knows, yet you refuse to look in the mirror and accept any responsibility for your daughters behavior. How could you possibly expect your daughter to respect you when you don’t respect yourself. What do you think the police can do to fix your situation?

For you aspiring police officers out there, you will be faced with this situation, and others similar to it. Here are a few pieces of advice when dealing with the “I can’t control my kid” episode of Maury:

• Unass the call as quickly as possible. Any time spent trying to resolve the situation is probably a waste.
• Make sure the “out of control” teenager’s parents know that it is perfectly okay to beat the shit of the kid.
• If the “out of control” teenager gives you the slightest opportunity to defend yourself, take it, and make it count. It might be the only ass whipping they get.
• Nothing you say to the little shit will make a dent.
• You can’t fix in an hour what it took fourteen years for somebody to screw up.
• Remember the kid’s face, name, and date of birth. It will come in handy when writing that armed robbery warrant later.

Remember, it’s a jungle out there. Except we’ve outsmarted Darwin. We do everything we can to keep stupid people from dying. That means there are more stupid people breeding, and their stupid offspring have a greater chance of growing up. It’s the slow death of the human race, but it means job security.

Sorry, I know I promised an article on strippers and their role in law enforcement, but I need to do some more research. I promise I’ll get that one to you soon.