Uncharted Territory

I’m about to try something new, uncharted territory if you will. You see, being a powerful and influential member of the law enforcement humor media, I was asked to do a book review.

The book I was asked to review is called No Angel. It’s the story of ATF Agent Jay Dobyns and his infiltration of the Hells Angels motorcycle gang. I actually first heard about the book when Agt. Dobyns was interviewed on Coast to Coast AM (no, bitch, I don’t believe in aliens). I have too short an attention span to read usually, but the interview certainly made the book sound like a worthwhile investment of my time.

Well, I got my free copy of the book today so I could get to reviewing it. I’m not sure how long it’s going to take. Between work, three kids, a nearly fatal video game addiction, and the attention span of a gerbil on meth, there are plenty of distractions.

I will say this: In just the first chapter, they are already describing a head injury as “…his head split to the white meat.” and one of the agents singing Easy Like Sunday Morning poorly. The former being a phrase I’ve seldom heard used outside of criminals and cops, the latter being a bad habit of mine that drives my wife crazy. For instance: “What do you want for supper?”

“That’s why I’m eeeeeasaaaayyyyy, easy like Sunday morning.”

You can see how that would get annoying. Anywho, I got four chapters down, with 35 to go. I’ll be giving you a detailed and expert analysis of this book which seems to be teeming with kickassedness.

Innocent Child Railroaded by St. Petersburg Police

According to The Suncoast News a poor, mild-mannered, urban youth has been railroaded by the St. Petersburg Police Department.

According to accounts, there has been a rash of convenience store robberies, many ending in shootings, in the St. Pete area. Two undercover detectives observed three young, urbanites minding their own business. It was obvious they were minding their own business due to the the mask and red bandanna two of them were wearing to cover their faces. It’s obvious they were going to a masquerade ball.

The three young men stashed their bikes in an alley across from an Exxon. One of the masquerade party goers stayed behind with the bicycles while the other two entered the Exxon. The clerk, alarmed by the masquerade masks, threw money and a porn DVD at the party goers. This startled the masked revelers, so they picked up the money and DVD and ran out of the store.

At this point, one of the undercover detectives, apparently dressed up as a vampire, grabbed one of the revelers, and possibly uttered “Boo!” One of the masked party goers opened fire on the frightening undercover detective. The detective was hit four times, and is in critical but stable condition. None of his injuries appear to be life threatening.

The young man, James Seay, accused of shooting the detective, whose name will not be released due to the undercoverishness of his work, is, according to his upstanding family members, a good boy who would never do anything like this.

The family of Mr. Seay say the police were wrong. They believe the police are lying, and that James had nothing to do with the incident. They blame the police for not stopping the boys before they entered the store. One family member was overheard to say, “Where is Chief John Anderton when you need him?” They apparently also blame Tom Cruise.

James’ uncle, Rev. Darryl Seay, says James wasn’t raised like that, and that it’s as much the cops fault as it is James’. Rev. Seay also believes James is being verbally and physically abused right now by the police while he’s in jail without bond. He’s right obviously, because he’s a reverend. He’s also an ex-convict, but he apparently found God, so he’s straight. Besides, there is no possible way James could have been raised to be a criminal. Especially since his uncle, his father, and his brother have all done time, and they know that crime doesn’t pay.

The family also said the James was close discovering a procedure for cold fusion, and designs for a combustion engine that works on sunshine and lollipops. He’ll now never achieve his goals of ending the fighting in the Middle East, and ending world hunger.

Great Man Murdered by Police

Dallas, North Carolina police shot and killed a great man. On January 24, 2009, a man known to his friends as “Tiny Brown” was sitting on his front porch reading his bible when the police officers showed up and killed him.

Tiny’s family feel the shooting was unnecessary. They said Tiny was a good boy that loved his family. They said he was a great guy and a brother to us all. They said he helped the neighborhood, and was a loved one. Besides, how dangerous could a man named Tiny be?

They’re relatively certain that a cure for cancer and an appointment to Barack Obama’s cabinet were forthcoming, but he was cut down way too soon.

They said his criminal history:

Sentence began: Aug. 31, 1995
Released: July 13, 2007
Convictions: Possession with intent to sell Schedule II controlled substance (three counts), sell Schedule II controlled substance (three counts)

Sentence began: Jan. 6, 1987
Released: Aug. 13, 1993
Convictions: Assault with a deadly weapon inflicting serious injury (two counts), common-law robbery

Sentence began: Jan. 19, 1984
Released: Nov. 4, 1985
Convictions: Felony breaking and entering, common-law robbery, assault on a female

Sentence began: Feb. 2, 1982
Released: Dec. 13, 1982
Convictions: Breaking /entering and larceny, larceny – more more than $200

Sentence began: Dec. 9, 1980
Released: Feb. 22, 1982
Convictions: Misdemeanor breaking and entering (two counts), larceny – more more than $200 (two counts)

And his attempt to grab one of the arresting officer’s firearms were lies perpetrated by The Man.

Law Enforcement Facts: Don’t Be A Victim

During the police academy, and throughout a law enforcement career, cops hear that “…it’s never the victim’s fault.” Anyone that has done this job long enough knows sometimes it is the victim’s fault. Not always, and some victims bear less fault than others, but there are definite instances where the blame falls squarely on the victim. It could be that these “victims” have just never been educated in how not to be a victim. This post will serve as a quick familiarization in how not to be a victim for those that are naive, stupid, or actually trying to be victimized.

Rule number one: Always be aware of your surroundings. You’d be surprised how many crimes could be prevented if this simple rule was followed. If you find yourself in an area with groups of shady looking entrepreneurs whose office is their driveway, or the street corner, find the nearest point of egress and exit stage left. Failure to follow this rule doesn’t necessarily mean it was your fault that you got robbed, but following this rule will definitely reduce the chances that you are a victim. Sometimes these types of places can’t be avoided. Then again if you are there to buy drugs, steal drugs, or engage in some other nefarious activity you deserve the ass whooping.

Rule number two: In God we trust, all others pay cash. Don’t trust anybody you don’t know. We had a lot of this after the storms. People would go door to door in damaged neighborhoods saying they were roofers looking to fix your roof for low, low prices. If you hired one of these yayhoos, and got your shit stolen or your roof is jacked up, it’s your fault. You let your greed get the best of you, and you did something stupid. Most of these shitbags are from out of town, and will be gone before you even realize your shit was stolen. Always use reputable, licensed companies or individuals for major home repairs. Don’t hire joe-shit the crackhead to work on your house. If he actually does the work you hired him for, you will be missing some lawn tools, or jewelry, or other miscellaneous items that are easily traded for crack.

Rule number three: If you are in a bad situation (i.e. your life recently seems like an episode of Jerry Springer) unass it. For instance, if you slept with some guy, and it all ended in restraining orders and jail time, sleeping with his step-father will likely have a sad ending as well. Or, if your husband beat your ass, and you had him arrested, when he shows up to get his crap and leave, don’t sabotage his vehicle so it won’t start. Let him go!

Rule number four: If you don’t regularly carry a gun, and you decide to go somewhere and before you leave you think: “I should bring a gun with me”, don’t freaking go! For the sake of argument, let’s say some guy stole some prescription medication from you. You thought this guy was a friend, so you decide to go confront him about it. When you get ready to leave you think to yourself, “I probably ought to bring a gun for protection.” That situation is going to end badly. You’re going to get killed, or arrested.

Rule number five: Always pay your drug dealer. If you want to live that lifestyle, you should be aware that drug dealers are all about their paper. They don’t like you, or care what happens to you. They want their money, bitch. Pay them, or they will beat the shit out of you, or kill you. Guess what, that’s your fault.

I hope this list has been helpful to you. While police officers do all they can to prevent crime, they can’t be everywhere. You should always do what you can to protect yourself. Don’t be an easy target, and don’t associate with persons of questionable repute. Stay safe out there.

And Now for Something Completely Different

Check out this post at Support Your Local Gunfighter for even more Law Enforcement Humor!

Law Enforcement Facts: What the Police Don’t Do

It has come to my attention that many people don’t understand what their local law enforcement professionals do. They understand even less what their local police don’t do. Or, do not. Apparently we don’t study grammar. Here is a simple list of what we don’t do so that you won’t be confused when you the police don’t do what you want.

• We don’t stand there and take shit from you. If you feel like it’s a good idea to berate a cop that has responded to your cry for help, don’t. At best, he’ll leave the complaint without helping you, at worst he’ll beat your ass, and arrest you for aggravated dumb-ass.




• No, we won’t arrest them until they do something to you. That’s the way it works, idiot. Someone has to actually break the law before they can be arrested. Had you left him the first time he beat your ass, and hadn’t dropped two restraining orders against him, you wouldn’t be blubbering in front of me now.




• To protect and serve is a stupid slogan used by LAPD. We are not here to protect you. Oh sure, we try, but as the saying goes when seconds count the police are just minutes away. We discover, and investigate criminal activity and make arrests as applicable. That’s it. We are not your personal bodyguard.




• We cannot fix in fifteen minutes what it took you fifteen years to fuck up. The next time little Timmy “refuses” to get on the bus, or little Suzy calls you a pole-smoking whore, beat their ass. I can’t do anything with that. Don’t call me. I am not raising your children.




• We don’t have to believe your bullshit story. When you call the police saying some big black guy jumped out the bushes and beat your ass for no reason as you skipped along reading your bible and humming “Why Can’t We Be Friends” don’t be offended when I tell you you’re full of shit, and suggest you shouldn’t try buying drugs on credit.

Hopefully that will take some of the confusion out of your future dealings with law enforcement. Just remember: When you say to me “I know all the cops” I don’t view that as a positive thing. If you know all the cops and you aren’t one, or are closely related to one, you’ve had too much contact with law enforcement to be pure as the driven snow.

Of Hippies and Tasers

Hippies Don’t React Well to Tasers...Nor Should They

Being devoted to law enforcement humor, I often search the interwebs for humorous stories involving law enforcement. One fount of endless material is the taser. There aren’t many things funnier than watching a stupid hippie get tased. Who doesn’t enjoy that? While that may seem a rhetorical question, it isn’t. Apparently hippies don’t like when hippies get tased.

This comes as an utter shock to me. When we law enforcement officers roam the countryside looking for random hippies to tase, it never once occurred to me that there were some people that didn’t find getting tased funny. Take the “Don’t Tase Me Bro!” guy for example. You can’t tell me he didn’t know that he was providing serious comedy material. He played his part perfectly. From the incoherent public ramblings to the actively resisting police, right down to the screaming like a bitch as the taser is deployed, that was comedy gold.

Now hippies like Amnesty International say that police officers repeatedly tase people after they’ve been completely immobilized. This is utter hogwash. Everybody knows that multiple taserings are some of the funniest around. My favorite tasing video, “multiple-taser drunk” guy, is one of the funniest videos ever. This guy obviously didn’t mind getting tased. Why else would he get hit five times by the taser? Still, stupid hippies are trying to stop the police from using tasers.

Why would hippies want to take this effective, and immensely funny tool away from police officers? Well, hippies are evil, and don’t want you to laugh. Don’t believe me? Read the essay I linked in the sub-head. In that essay, a stupid hippie tries to use taser deaths as an indictment of Club G’itmo, the tv show 24, and the George W. Bush Administration. While such an essay may prove to be funny if it were satire, this essay was not satire at all; therefore, it’s not funny at all. Come to think of it, I wish I would have come up with the idea first. That would have been Frankj level comedy genius.

If you love law enforcement and comedy, you should do all in your power to stop the stupid hippies from taking away the taser. First, it’s the taser, then they’ll want to outlaw all forms of schadenfreude. The next thing you’ll know is the only comedy you’ll be allowed to see will be reruns of Dharma and Greg and Saturday Night Live. It’s a slippery slope people. Do you want your world to be devoid of taser humor?

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Playing in Traffic

Welcome once again to the recurring informational series: How Not to Get Killed by the Police.

We all know how dangerous roving bands of rabid policeman can be. By reading this series you can greatly reduce the chances of being killed or seriously injured if you happen, or mishappen as the case may be, upon these dangerous, mindless creatures.

Apparently rabid police officers are overcome by a murderous rage if you happen to frolic in traffic. While we’re not sure how this uncontrollable anger has developed from an evolutionary standpoint, we are certain that playing in traffic is a surefire way to draw the ire of any roaming police officers in the area.

This next story from STLtoday.com is a perfect example of police becoming violent when they see someone having fun wandering in traffic:

By Leah Thorsen
ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
11/12/2008

Collinsville — Police officers on Tuesday shot and killed a roaming ram and ewe because authorities feared the animals would cause a crash, said Police Chief Scott Williams.

The animals had been spotted crossing Illinois Route 157 in recent weeks, Williams said. “We deemed them to be dangerous,” he said. “They were running in and out of traffic.”

Apparently these innocent, snuggley, little sheep were out frolicking in their natural habitat, the road, when the rabid police officers gunned them down in a hail of bullets. This senseless death prompted one hippie to say:

“There was no reason to shoot and kill them,” she said. “They could have tranquilized them.”

Because we all know that all police officers carry tranquilizer guns on their duty belt. I never leave home without mine. The idea that a cute, loveable, ball of wool could be a danger to the big, mean, policemen is laughable at best.

So, let this be a lesson. If you happen to find yourself playing in traffic, the police may just shoot ewe. [insert rimshot and canned laughter here]

Police Training and Blogging

Sorry I haven’t been writing much, lately. Work has sorta interfered with this important shit. I had to work late Saturday and Sunday, and I have been in training AAAAALLLLLL DDDDAAAAYYYY! Granted, it was fun training, but it was AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL DDDDDDDDAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!

I will get you some new law enforcement humor and political satire soon. For now, let me just tell you about my AAAAAALLLLLLL DDDDDDDDAAAAAAAYYYYYYY training.

It all started around 0730 hrs. with a pursuit driving refresher. There aren’t many things in this world more fun than taking a police interceptor crown vic and pushing it to it’s limits. Well, except maybe making fun of your coworkers as they have a hard time grasping the technique. You know, doing stuff like driving with two feet, steering with body english, and generally committing genocide against the orange plastic cone population.

See, the course is set up like this: A shit load of cones in a small parking lot. There is actually a course, but until you get it figured out, it looks like a sea of orange cones that were placed by an epileptic chihuahua. Some people have a really hard time figuring out where to go which prompts them to massacre the poor defenseless orange cones. This senseless act of violence then prompts responses from the instructors like, “The child you just killed was small, but he had a twin brother, so it’s alright” or “You know there are plenty of employment opportunities in the jail.” Good times all around.

That finished up around 1330 hrs. Then a brief break to go eat, and relax until 1800 hrs. when it was time for shooting in the dark. Shooting in the dark is always fun because it’s shooting, and it’s dark. While I shot a 93 out of 96, others were not so lucky. In every class there are always those old guys that were on the road 30 years ago or whatever, and that are now relegated to court room security, or some other less than law enforcement capacity because they are politically connected or whatever. Those cats are interesting. There’s nothing like the sparks of bullets ricocheting off cement in the dark. You know, the cement 4 yards in front of the target.

Finally, it was time for whoop ass. Tonight’s menu consisted of shrimp. Not the kind you eat, but the maneuver used to avoid being mounted while on your back causing carpet burns all across the small of your back. A very helpful tool to have, especially if the phrase “I don’t get down like that” doesn’t work. I’m not so sure it could protect you from an overly-amorous Royce Gracie, but it works on other cops. Then on to escaping from choke holds and headlocks. Basically, it was two hours of me and friends throwing each other on the floor repeatedly. What better way to say “I appreciate your friendship” than putting your buddy in a chokehold, and letting him slam you to floor.

It all ended around 2130 hrs. Needless to say, I’m tired, and sore. I’ll be going to bed soon. As soon as I stop rambling incoherently from fatigue. I like Corn Pops. Did you know if you sneak up on an armadillo, and kick it, it jumps about four feet in the air? This one time, I got a weedeater, a live chicken, a nine iron, and a naked woman and…*yawn*

Taser Saves Mule Deer

Don’t you just hate it when a deer gets its antlers tangled in your rope swing? I know I sure do. The poor thing runs around in circles until it breaks its own neck, or is shot by an opportunistic hunter. It’s an unfortunate situation.

You may be thinking, “JumpOut, there must be a better way to free a deer from a rope swing that doesn’t kill the deer.” Missoula County Sheriffs Deputies have found a safe and humane, yet funny in a Schadenfreude kinda way to free deer from rope swings.

Deputies taser mule deer

Missoula County sheriff’s deputies turned a Taser on a mule deer buck Tuesday in order to free the animal from a rope swing near Lolo.

“We were able to avoid having to euthanize it, so it worked out pretty well,” said Lt. Rich Maricelli.

While I am sure I would prefer to shoot the deer and then eat him, I am also sensitive to law enforcement concerns of traumatizing the little old lady that may have discovered a deer in her rope swing. So remember boys and girls, if you find a deer tangled in your rope swing use the taser. If you use it enough, you won’t have to cook the deer later.