Law Enforcement Facts: Suicide

Suicide is a stupid, selfish thing to do. It’s been said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I would not suggest that you try it. If you did try it, I would think you were stupid and selfish, and you will likely go to Hell. With that being said…

Suicide isn’t complicated. All you have to do is perform an act that is guaranteed to kill you. Large amounts of poisons work well. So does the liberal application of bullets to your head. Hanging will get the job done. Dousing yourself with gasoline, and setting yourself on fire will do the trick as well. If you are attempting suicide, you are a failure at life. If you fail at suicide, you are a failure at death. If you fail at suicide, you have pulled a fail of epic proportions.

If you’re going to commit suicide, just do it. There is no need to let anyone know. You telling the police that you are going to kill yourself will pretty much cause you to keep living. For instance, don’t take one handful of pills, call the police and tell them you are going to take another handful of pills. There is no reason for us to know. There is nothing criminal about wanting to commit suicide.

If you’re going to kill yourself, for Pete’s sake, leave a frikkin note! If you leave a note, we’ll show up, see your dead body, read the note, and say, “Hey, this fool committed suicide!” That’s a wrap. If you don’t leave a note, we’ll show up, see your dead body hanging by a noose from the ceiling fan, and say, “Hey, this fool committed suicide!” Then your family will show up. They will be convinced that you were murdered because you bound your own hands before hanging yourself, and pester the detectives to continue investigating this case. You were a pain in the ass in life, and now you are continuing to be a pain in the ass after you’re dead. Why would you want to cause us all this aggravation?

When you write your note, make it short, and to the point. Five hundred words or less should do the trick. Also, spare us the hurting your family routine. You know what I mean? All this melodrama about how your parents forced you to do this, and your parents are murderers is just asinine. If they were really that bad as parents, they don’t care. If they weren’t as bad as you thought prior to assuming room temperature, you’ve hurt them enough already. Nothing you can say will make it worse. They will already think it is their fault and that they did something wrong because it’s the way parents think. Besides, I don’t want to read all that emotional bullshit.

Finally, what kind of loser commits suicide behind a member of the opposite sex? I always have a hard time wrapping my head around that one. Think about this for just a moment. These fools say, “He/She cheated on me! I’ll show them! I’ll kill myself!” If they were cheating, they don’t care that much. Seriously, there are lots of women/men out there. Not many that will sleep with a codependent, emotional wreck devoid of self-esteem such as yourself, but more are out there. I’ve seen them. Usually when I’ve shown up a residence where someone called the police to tell them they are about to commit suicide.

Law Enforcement Facts: You Really Shouldn’t Have

As I get ready for another day of listening to complaints from grown ups that behave like children, people complaining about children that act like grown ups, I leave you with a post. What follows is a quick list of things you shouldn’t do if you are dealing with law enforcement.

• Do not follow behind a police car, flashing your high beams, and breaking traffic laws to get the police officer to stop so you can ask directions.
• Do not call the police and lie about having a disturbance with your boyfriend just so you can get a ride.
• Do not call the police for help then proceed to act like an asshole when the police show up to help. I will quickly tell you to go fuck yourself
• Do not call the police for them to come to your house without secure your family pet. Dogs don’t like the uniform, and I will quickly end your dog’s life.
• Last, but certainly not least, do not make a threatening jab-step at the police officer that’s pointing a taser at you.

I know must of my kickass readers understand these things. Most of you think they are common sense. Let me assure you that common sense ain’t common, and I wouldn’t mention these if people had never done them. I hope this list will help make your next contact with law enforcement a pleasant one.

Law Enforcement Facts: I’m Here To Help

UPDATED

Have you ever found yourself sitting at home contemplating the mysteries of the universe? Have you ever found yourself wondering, “How could I go about getting kicked in the face by a police officer?” Wonder no more, I’m here to help!

The following list are things you can do to greatly increase your chances of getting kicked in the face by a police officer:

• Run
• Tell a police officer that he can’t arrest you in your own house
• Make one more donut joke
• If you’re a cop, buy donuts in uniform (Well, you may not actually get kicked, but you will be ridiculed which is probably worse)
• Make your fifth false rape report
• Beat up your elderly mother

I hope that clears things up for you. Thanks for visiting, and have a nice day.

Innocent Child Railroaded by St. Petersburg Police

According to The Suncoast News a poor, mild-mannered, urban youth has been railroaded by the St. Petersburg Police Department.

According to accounts, there has been a rash of convenience store robberies, many ending in shootings, in the St. Pete area. Two undercover detectives observed three young, urbanites minding their own business. It was obvious they were minding their own business due to the the mask and red bandanna two of them were wearing to cover their faces. It’s obvious they were going to a masquerade ball.

The three young men stashed their bikes in an alley across from an Exxon. One of the masquerade party goers stayed behind with the bicycles while the other two entered the Exxon. The clerk, alarmed by the masquerade masks, threw money and a porn DVD at the party goers. This startled the masked revelers, so they picked up the money and DVD and ran out of the store.

At this point, one of the undercover detectives, apparently dressed up as a vampire, grabbed one of the revelers, and possibly uttered “Boo!” One of the masked party goers opened fire on the frightening undercover detective. The detective was hit four times, and is in critical but stable condition. None of his injuries appear to be life threatening.

The young man, James Seay, accused of shooting the detective, whose name will not be released due to the undercoverishness of his work, is, according to his upstanding family members, a good boy who would never do anything like this.

The family of Mr. Seay say the police were wrong. They believe the police are lying, and that James had nothing to do with the incident. They blame the police for not stopping the boys before they entered the store. One family member was overheard to say, “Where is Chief John Anderton when you need him?” They apparently also blame Tom Cruise.

James’ uncle, Rev. Darryl Seay, says James wasn’t raised like that, and that it’s as much the cops fault as it is James’. Rev. Seay also believes James is being verbally and physically abused right now by the police while he’s in jail without bond. He’s right obviously, because he’s a reverend. He’s also an ex-convict, but he apparently found God, so he’s straight. Besides, there is no possible way James could have been raised to be a criminal. Especially since his uncle, his father, and his brother have all done time, and they know that crime doesn’t pay.

The family also said the James was close discovering a procedure for cold fusion, and designs for a combustion engine that works on sunshine and lollipops. He’ll now never achieve his goals of ending the fighting in the Middle East, and ending world hunger.

Great Man Murdered by Police

Dallas, North Carolina police shot and killed a great man. On January 24, 2009, a man known to his friends as “Tiny Brown” was sitting on his front porch reading his bible when the police officers showed up and killed him.

Tiny’s family feel the shooting was unnecessary. They said Tiny was a good boy that loved his family. They said he was a great guy and a brother to us all. They said he helped the neighborhood, and was a loved one. Besides, how dangerous could a man named Tiny be?

They’re relatively certain that a cure for cancer and an appointment to Barack Obama’s cabinet were forthcoming, but he was cut down way too soon.

They said his criminal history:

Sentence began: Aug. 31, 1995
Released: July 13, 2007
Convictions: Possession with intent to sell Schedule II controlled substance (three counts), sell Schedule II controlled substance (three counts)

Sentence began: Jan. 6, 1987
Released: Aug. 13, 1993
Convictions: Assault with a deadly weapon inflicting serious injury (two counts), common-law robbery

Sentence began: Jan. 19, 1984
Released: Nov. 4, 1985
Convictions: Felony breaking and entering, common-law robbery, assault on a female

Sentence began: Feb. 2, 1982
Released: Dec. 13, 1982
Convictions: Breaking /entering and larceny, larceny – more more than $200

Sentence began: Dec. 9, 1980
Released: Feb. 22, 1982
Convictions: Misdemeanor breaking and entering (two counts), larceny – more more than $200 (two counts)

And his attempt to grab one of the arresting officer’s firearms were lies perpetrated by The Man.

Law Enforcement Facts: Don’t Be A Victim

During the police academy, and throughout a law enforcement career, cops hear that “…it’s never the victim’s fault.” Anyone that has done this job long enough knows sometimes it is the victim’s fault. Not always, and some victims bear less fault than others, but there are definite instances where the blame falls squarely on the victim. It could be that these “victims” have just never been educated in how not to be a victim. This post will serve as a quick familiarization in how not to be a victim for those that are naive, stupid, or actually trying to be victimized.

Rule number one: Always be aware of your surroundings. You’d be surprised how many crimes could be prevented if this simple rule was followed. If you find yourself in an area with groups of shady looking entrepreneurs whose office is their driveway, or the street corner, find the nearest point of egress and exit stage left. Failure to follow this rule doesn’t necessarily mean it was your fault that you got robbed, but following this rule will definitely reduce the chances that you are a victim. Sometimes these types of places can’t be avoided. Then again if you are there to buy drugs, steal drugs, or engage in some other nefarious activity you deserve the ass whooping.

Rule number two: In God we trust, all others pay cash. Don’t trust anybody you don’t know. We had a lot of this after the storms. People would go door to door in damaged neighborhoods saying they were roofers looking to fix your roof for low, low prices. If you hired one of these yayhoos, and got your shit stolen or your roof is jacked up, it’s your fault. You let your greed get the best of you, and you did something stupid. Most of these shitbags are from out of town, and will be gone before you even realize your shit was stolen. Always use reputable, licensed companies or individuals for major home repairs. Don’t hire joe-shit the crackhead to work on your house. If he actually does the work you hired him for, you will be missing some lawn tools, or jewelry, or other miscellaneous items that are easily traded for crack.

Rule number three: If you are in a bad situation (i.e. your life recently seems like an episode of Jerry Springer) unass it. For instance, if you slept with some guy, and it all ended in restraining orders and jail time, sleeping with his step-father will likely have a sad ending as well. Or, if your husband beat your ass, and you had him arrested, when he shows up to get his crap and leave, don’t sabotage his vehicle so it won’t start. Let him go!

Rule number four: If you don’t regularly carry a gun, and you decide to go somewhere and before you leave you think: “I should bring a gun with me”, don’t freaking go! For the sake of argument, let’s say some guy stole some prescription medication from you. You thought this guy was a friend, so you decide to go confront him about it. When you get ready to leave you think to yourself, “I probably ought to bring a gun for protection.” That situation is going to end badly. You’re going to get killed, or arrested.

Rule number five: Always pay your drug dealer. If you want to live that lifestyle, you should be aware that drug dealers are all about their paper. They don’t like you, or care what happens to you. They want their money, bitch. Pay them, or they will beat the shit out of you, or kill you. Guess what, that’s your fault.

I hope this list has been helpful to you. While police officers do all they can to prevent crime, they can’t be everywhere. You should always do what you can to protect yourself. Don’t be an easy target, and don’t associate with persons of questionable repute. Stay safe out there.

Law Enforcement Facts: Taser Myths

You know, Christmas Day I was out in the street, tasering my children, my neighbors children, and some neighborhood cats that have crappy owners. Good times. Until my neighbor came out and was all like, “Hey, quit tasering my kids, that’s 50,000 Volts you’re playing with.” Well, I tased him too. Then it got me to thinking, there really are a lot of taser myths out there, and maybe it’s time an expert such as I dispel some of those myths.

• 50,000 Volts!!! – While 50,000 Volts is the peak, open air arcing voltage of a Taser, once the charge actually enters the body its voltage is reduced to approximately 1200 Volts. In laymen’s terms that means you should quit being such a pussy when I tase your kids for my own entertainment.
• Police officers use tasers to obtain false confessions – This is simply not the case. We do not use tasers to coerce false confessions. We only use tasers for comedic purposes, and any confession obtained is totally not intended and 100% accurate.
• Tasers kill people – Tasers don’t kill people, stupidity does. If you decide to go on a two week meth bender, run through the streets naked, and fight the police, you might die when tased. Sorry for your luck. On second thought, I’m not sorry.
• Tasers are a replacement for lethal force – Law enforcement training stresses that a taser should be used in a lethal force encounter only when lethal force cover is present. All you need to know about this one is we will still shoot your ass.
• There have been studies that conclude tasers are bad – This one is actually true. There have been studies that conclude tasers are bad, m’kay. However, these studies were conducted by organizations that are filled with grubby, stinking, hippies that are just tired of getting tased at their anti-war rallies. Those studies suck, and are no more accurate than Michael J. Fox and Muhammad Ali playing each other in darts.

I hope this list has helped clear up some of your misconceptions about tasers. Tasers are a great tool for law enforcement and provide hours of laughs on You Tube. Remember, tasers are not to be feared unless you’re a shit-bag criminal, or a dirty hippie.

Law Enforcement Facts: What to Know Before You Call the Police

During my time in law enforcement I’ve found that many people that call the police are very unfamiliar with the criminal laws that govern them. Here is a helpful list to make your next contact with law enforcement more pleasant:

• One anonymous hang-up phone-call doesn’t count as “harassment”
• You “knowing” that someone is selling drugs does not count as probable cause
• If your dog gets hit by a car in the road, you will be charged for allowing your dog to be in the road
• Yes, I can arrest you for Domestic Violence in your own house
• You being the one that called the police doesn’t give you immunity from arrest
• Just because your lawyer said it doesn’t make it so
• You might beat the rap, but you won’t beat the ride

The information contained in this list should help you determine whether or not you should call the police in some common situations. Hopefully your next contact with law enforcement will be a smooth one.

And Now for Something Completely Different

Check out this post at Support Your Local Gunfighter for even more Law Enforcement Humor!

Law Enforcement Facts: What the Police Don’t Do

It has come to my attention that many people don’t understand what their local law enforcement professionals do. They understand even less what their local police don’t do. Or, do not. Apparently we don’t study grammar. Here is a simple list of what we don’t do so that you won’t be confused when you the police don’t do what you want.

• We don’t stand there and take shit from you. If you feel like it’s a good idea to berate a cop that has responded to your cry for help, don’t. At best, he’ll leave the complaint without helping you, at worst he’ll beat your ass, and arrest you for aggravated dumb-ass.




• No, we won’t arrest them until they do something to you. That’s the way it works, idiot. Someone has to actually break the law before they can be arrested. Had you left him the first time he beat your ass, and hadn’t dropped two restraining orders against him, you wouldn’t be blubbering in front of me now.




• To protect and serve is a stupid slogan used by LAPD. We are not here to protect you. Oh sure, we try, but as the saying goes when seconds count the police are just minutes away. We discover, and investigate criminal activity and make arrests as applicable. That’s it. We are not your personal bodyguard.




• We cannot fix in fifteen minutes what it took you fifteen years to fuck up. The next time little Timmy “refuses” to get on the bus, or little Suzy calls you a pole-smoking whore, beat their ass. I can’t do anything with that. Don’t call me. I am not raising your children.




• We don’t have to believe your bullshit story. When you call the police saying some big black guy jumped out the bushes and beat your ass for no reason as you skipped along reading your bible and humming “Why Can’t We Be Friends” don’t be offended when I tell you you’re full of shit, and suggest you shouldn’t try buying drugs on credit.

Hopefully that will take some of the confusion out of your future dealings with law enforcement. Just remember: When you say to me “I know all the cops” I don’t view that as a positive thing. If you know all the cops and you aren’t one, or are closely related to one, you’ve had too much contact with law enforcement to be pure as the driven snow.