Archive for crime

My First Racist Barack Obama Comment

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , , , on February 2, 2009 by JumpOut

I’m really surprised it took this long. I expected it much sooner. I guess my line of work makes you lose faith in humanity. Fortunately, it always strengthens your faith in stupidity.

So there we are on a complaint in one of the poorest, shittiest parts of our jurisdiction. We just dealt with a woman screeching about being hit in the eye, and her friend being kidnapped. The woman’s mother pushing the limits of how aggravating one can be before being tasered and taken to jail. And we tracked down the alleged perpetrator and his “kidnapped” girlfriend. After interviewing all involved, and determining that the complaint was utter bullshit (I was so shocked that someone would lie to me) the alleged suspect who has since been cleared of all wrong doing tells us, “Da President black, we don’t need y’all back here no moe!”

You know, I am so relieved. I hated going back there anyway. I will miss all the roach infested, barely standing trailers, and shotgun houses, though. And the looks from the independent entrepreneurs plying their wares on the street corners. I’ll also miss the dumbfounded looks of the yard dogs that probably haven’t seen a Caucasian in their lives. I swear, it’s like they’re looking at a leprechaun. They don’t bark, growl, nothing. They just stare at you like you’re some alien life form.

One thing I have yet to figure out is whether this up and coming community organizer was speaking for the entire African American community, or just the ones that live in that area. Regardless, I’m here to help, even though apparently some of you no longer need the assistance of law enforcement professionals.

The next time your babydaddy kicks your ass, call Barack Obama. The next time your 28 inch rims get stolen, call Barack Obama. The next time your baby boy ODs on heroin, call Barack Obama. The next time a sixteen year old gangbanger is laying dead in the street, call Barack Obama. The next time an infant catches a stray bullet from the gunfire of rival drug dealers, call Barack Obama. He’ll make it all better.

Innocent Child Railroaded by St. Petersburg Police

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , on January 28, 2009 by JumpOut

According to The Suncoast News a poor, mild-mannered, urban youth has been railroaded by the St. Petersburg Police Department.

According to accounts, there has been a rash of convenience store robberies, many ending in shootings, in the St. Pete area. Two undercover detectives observed three young, urbanites minding their own business. It was obvious they were minding their own business due to the the mask and red bandanna two of them were wearing to cover their faces. It’s obvious they were going to a masquerade ball.

The three young men stashed their bikes in an alley across from an Exxon. One of the masquerade party goers stayed behind with the bicycles while the other two entered the Exxon. The clerk, alarmed by the masquerade masks, threw money and a porn DVD at the party goers. This startled the masked revelers, so they picked up the money and DVD and ran out of the store.

At this point, one of the undercover detectives, apparently dressed up as a vampire, grabbed one of the revelers, and possibly uttered “Boo!” One of the masked party goers opened fire on the frightening undercover detective. The detective was hit four times, and is in critical but stable condition. None of his injuries appear to be life threatening.

The young man, James Seay, accused of shooting the detective, whose name will not be released due to the undercoverishness of his work, is, according to his upstanding family members, a good boy who would never do anything like this.

The family of Mr. Seay say the police were wrong. They believe the police are lying, and that James had nothing to do with the incident. They blame the police for not stopping the boys before they entered the store. One family member was overheard to say, “Where is Chief John Anderton when you need him?” They apparently also blame Tom Cruise.

James’ uncle, Rev. Darryl Seay, says James wasn’t raised like that, and that it’s as much the cops fault as it is James’. Rev. Seay also believes James is being verbally and physically abused right now by the police while he’s in jail without bond. He’s right obviously, because he’s a reverend. He’s also an ex-convict, but he apparently found God, so he’s straight. Besides, there is no possible way James could have been raised to be a criminal. Especially since his uncle, his father, and his brother have all done time, and they know that crime doesn’t pay.

The family also said the James was close discovering a procedure for cold fusion, and designs for a combustion engine that works on sunshine and lollipops. He’ll now never achieve his goals of ending the fighting in the Middle East, and ending world hunger.

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Barricaded Subjects

Posted in Criminal Justice, How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts, News, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , , , on October 31, 2008 by JumpOut

Many people read the news everyday, and see people getting killed and maimed by police officers. I’m sure they’re wondering how they can avoid being mauled by roving bands of police officers. Well, I’m here to give you some effective survival techniques that you can use to keep from being injured or killed if faced with rabid police officers on the hunt for blood.

This guy could have used my help. The I could have explained to him that this is the wrong tactic to take:

Clark was shot to death shortly after 8 a.m., after locking himself in a room at the Frontier Motel…

If you find yourself being hunted like a criminal after you do something insigificant, like robbing a Burger King, we already know you shouldn’t run. Nor should you barricade yourself in a room, or building.

Police have a special relationship with barricades. They waste many hours manning them to keep traffic and people out of certain areas. They HATE barricades. They hate barricades more than puppies or rainbows. They kill anyone who makes them man barricades unnecessarily.

If you find yourself unwittingly barricaded in a motel room surrounded by police. You should come out immediately, and play dead. They will lose interest and go away. If you stay barricaded they will start to tease you. It will go something like this:

Police had used several tactics to get Clark to surrender, Pacheco said, including speaking through a bullhorn and penetrating the room with pepper balls, a flash-bang distraction grenade and tear gas.

It’s like when a cat corners a mouse, and swats at it, and toys with it before it kills the mouse. They start off by telling you something like, “Yo momma so fat, when she cuts herself chocolate milk comes out.” When this aggressive verbal taunting doesn’t work, they use their toys to make you run around for their amusement. If you don’t come out, they get tired of messing with you, and make entry.

Finally, if you find yourself unwittingly barricaded in a room surrounded by police, and the police have finished toying with you, DROP THE FREAKIN’ GUN!!!

Police finally blew the door open with a small explosive device, Pacheco said, and police ordered Clark to drop his gun.

Officer John Malovich fired at Clark after he refused to comply with repeated commands to drop the gun.

Another life that could have been saved by reading You Should Be Tasered. Don’t let this happen to you. Read You Should Be Tasered every day to learn how not to get killed by the police.