Archive for the Barrack Obama Biography Category

Barrack Obama: Of the People, By the People, For the People, Chapter 4

Posted in Barrack Obama Biography, Humor, Politics with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 5, 2008 by JumpOut

As teh Messiah spake, the crowds gathered. They gathered in great multitudes in the cities and towns to hear teh One speak of redemption. They chanted and prayed. They cheered and hugged. They performed fellatio on each other to congratulate themselves on the monumental accomplishment of ending white guilt.

At the appointed time, at the appointed place, Barrack stood before the cheering multitudes. He said, “Can we make Amerikkka a better nation?” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!” Obama said, “Can we hope for change?” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!” The Most Merciful One On High said, “Can we defeat the forces of evil, and unite the world?” The crowd chanted “YES WE CAN!” Teh Messiah said, “Do you want salvation from the sins of your ancestors?” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!” Barrack said, “I’ll tell you how!” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!”

As the crowd continued to chant, “YES WE CAN!” the evil honkey McCraker was brought out before the crowd. McCracker had been trying to seize power over Amerikka and was the only obstacle left to prevent teh Messiah’s ascendancy.

Teh Messiah said, “Can we get rid of this white devil?” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!” And with that, McCracker was tossed into the writhing, frenzied, crowd. McCracker then joined in, “YES WE CAN!”

Barrack then said, “Can you make me your leader?” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!” Barrack said, “Then I absolve you of the sins of your ancestors. Go forth and sin no more.” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!”

As the crowd continued to chant, “YES WE CAN!” Lord Obama gave a speech in celebration and acceptance of this monumental occasion. He said, “Amerikkka better have my money come rain sleet or snow. That bitch better have my money. Not some, not half, but all my cash. Because if she don’t, I’m gonna put my foot dead in her ass.”

The crowd chanted: “YES WE CAN

YES WE CAN

YES WE CAN

YES WE CAN!!!!1!1one!”

This has been part four of the Biography of Barrack Obama brought to you by ACORN, mind numbed sycophants, and Flyguy You can read the other chapters here.

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Barrack Obama: Of the People, By the People, For the People, Chapter 3

Posted in Barrack Obama Biography, Humor, Politics with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 27, 2008 by JumpOut

Barrack continued to travel the hostile nation of Amerikkka. Though the land was populated by white devils, he pressed on. He performed his works of social justice despite the rebukes of the crackers. Barrack organized many communities, mostly by color, and income. He raised the dead, and then gave them the preternatural ability to vote.

Barrack came upon a group of people who were trying to organize communities. They said to Barrack: “Teacher, our people are disenfranchised. We are doing all we can to make up for our lack of numbers so things will be equitable, but we are but mortals, and can only do so much.”

The One said: “Do your works in my name, and your group will grow into a mighty oak within this community. I bestow upon you my powers to raise the dead and cause them to vote. I grant you immunity from media scrutiny, and $80,000 to stage demonstrations, give sound to those that are not heard, and light the darkened path of social justice.”

While performing his many miracles, he gathered disciples unto him. One such disciple was Joe the Doubter. Joe was known to make many speeches against Barrack. He doubted the Anointed One’s powers. When Barrack happened upon Joe the Doubter he said: “My son, if you will follow me, I will cleanse your soul of the guilt of your skin color. And I’ll give you a pay raise, and some menial tasks.” Doubting Joe said okay, and became a faithful follower.

Obama gathered many more disciples in his travels. He sent shivers up the legs of onlookers. He caused members of his congregation to faint from sheer joy. He provided hope to the hopeless. He gave the hope that change would come. He caused the people to believe that hoping for change would change their hopelessness.

This has been part three of the Biography of Barrack Obama, brought to you by ACORN, Citizen Services, Inc, and Chris Matthews.

Part I
Part II

Barrack Obama: Of the People, By the People, For the People, Chapter 2

Posted in Barrack Obama Biography, Humor, Politics with tags , , , , , , , , on October 17, 2008 by JumpOut

After ending slavery, Obama traveled from town to town getting into adventures while trying to find himself, and his purpose in this cruel world. While traveling through the deserts of Amerikkka, he happened upon a family whose skin was not quite as dark as his, but certainly darker than the white oppressors who had treated him so cruelly during his youth.

The patriarch of this family bore a forlorn countenance as he trudged through the scorching sands. When the family saw the young, good-looking, clean, articulate Obama, they hid their faces from the hope that beamed from his visage.

Obama said, “You have nothing to fear from me. Tell me, why is it that you look so piteous.”

The young father said, “Master, we have traveled great distances looking for hope and change. Parts of our country were stolen from us by the conquistadors. The white devils cursed what they left to us so that it became a desolate, and barren land. The white devils used their sorcery to make the land they took prosperous, and fertile. They put a curse on my people, making us illegal. We only want to do the jobs whitey won’t do, and maybe rape a woman here or there, or murder a cop every once in a while. Is that too much to ask?”

Obama said, “Come, my children, kneel before me. I will grant you the hope and change you seek.”

The young family knelt before the mighty Obama. He lay his hands upon them, and looked to the sky. Obama prayed, “In the name of Che Guevara, release these innocents from the curse placed upon them by the evil crackers.” With a crash of thunder, and a bolt of lightening the family was illegal no more.

“Go children” said Obama, “Go pick the oranges, and clean up the construction sites. Go install the substandard roofs. Your affliction is healed.”

With that, the young family continued on their way to seek prosperity. Obama too, continued his journey, healing those in need. The tales of his miracles spread far and wide.

When Obama entered the city of the angels, he was greeted by some honkies. They said, “Great one, come with us. We have a woman in need of your salvation.” He followed the honkies to their studio apartment where they showed him a woman who was so sick, she couldn’t even stand up.

Obama said, “Honkies, why have you summoned me here, and who is this woman?”

The honkies replied, “This woman is a great prostitute, known far and wide for her ability to sell her image to the masses. She suffers from the great plague which torments many of our kind: White guilt.”

Obama said to the prostitute,”Listen to me, rise, and follow me. Any of you who follow me shall suffer no more from this great plague. In service to me your burden will be lifted.”

The woman rose from her bed and said, “Finally, I can do the evening news again.”

Obama said, “Come on, you perky bitch, it’s time for me to put your ass on the street.”

This has been part two of the Biography of Barrack Obama, brought to you by CBS, NBC, ABC, and CNN.

Part I
Part III

Barrack Obama: Of the People, By the People, and For the People

Posted in Barrack Obama Biography, Humor, Politics with tags , , , , , , , , on October 13, 2008 by JumpOut

Barrack Obama was born of a poor virgin who became pregnant after being struck by lightening. He grew up a slave to white plantation owners in Selma, Alabama. His masters wiled away the hours by shooting at him, and beating him about the head and torso with bibles. Through it all, Barrack stayed optimistic. Though his days were filled with cotton picking, bullet dodging, and being beaten by bibles, he knew one day, he’d be somebody. That day would be a Tuesday.

On a hot summer Tuesday on the Selma Plantation, Barrack was visited by the Arch-Angel Gabriel. Gabriel said to Barrack, “Take this staff, and tell whitey to let my people go!” The ten year old Barrack was very afraid. He said to Gabriel, “This is Amerikkka, I don’t dare speak to whitey like that!” The Arch-Angel Gabriel replied, “God Damn Amerikkka, you take this staff and show those crackers how we roll!” Barrack, though still afraid, complied with the Angel’s commands.

The next day, Barrack took his anointed staff up to the big house. He said, “Whitey, let my people go or a plague will be descended upon your house!” But whitey’s heart was hard. Whitey replied, “Tobey, get your black ass back to the cotton field, or I’ll get my bible after you!”

It was at that moment that the Isaac Hayes music started playing in the background. Barrack raised his staff towards heaven, lightening struck, thunder crashed and one third of whitey’s money disappeared. Seeing this wondrous display of divine power whitey let all the slaves go. Whitey said to Barrack,”Messiah, can you ever forgive the wickedness of our ways?” Barrack said, “Give me some more money and I’ll think about it, caracker ass cracker!”

And that is how Barrack ended slavery, and brought about the beginning of the end of racism in Amerikkka.

This has been part one of the Biography of Barrack Obama, brought to you by the Associated Press, Katie Couric, and Keith Olbermann.

Part II
Part III