Archive for the How Not to Get Killed by the Police Category

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Defensive Driving

Posted in How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor with tags , , , , , on February 5, 2009 by JumpOut

We all know that police officers are like dogs. Not that they’re loyal and protective. It’s that they like to chase moving cars. Indeed many random police attacks have taken place during these mindless romps through the streets.

If you are a motorist concerned about how to keep this from happening to you, I have a few suggestions. Remember, if you see wild police officers chasing you in your moving vehicle, stop immediately. Police officers are an ancient species, and their eyesight only detects movement. Pull your vehicle over, and remain motionless. Eventually they will lose interest, and probably not kill you. If you run, they’ll only chase you down and kill you.

Police officers are pack hunters. They like to work in groups. Generally, if wild police officers are chasing your moving vehicle, there are likely police officers up ahead waiting to ambush your moving vehicle with crude strips filled with hollow spikes, or guns. Again, you must stop and remain motionless.

Let’s say, for example, you are cautiously driving your vehicle on the wide open road. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, wild police officers start chasing your car. Frightened, you speed up, hoping to outmaneuver them and their primitive intellect. Up ahead, you see more flashing lights, an indication that there is another group of wild police officers up ahead. If you continue to drive into the group of police officers, they will shoot and kill you.

Here’s another example of an uneducated citizen who refused to read How Not to Get Killed by the Police. KSTP-TV reports:

A man is dead after police shot him as he drove a stolen car toward officers at a traffic stop in north Minneapolis early Thursday.

Police said two squad cars had pulled a car over on a routine traffic stop and were parked in the street. Around the same time, another squad car was following the stolen vehicle, driven by 23-year-old Ahmed Mohammed Guled.

[…]

Police said Guled, of St. Paul, sped up and aimed the stolen car at officers in the street. Officers shot at the driver to stop him. The suspect died at the scene. The medical examiner said Guled died from multiple gunshot wounds.

Let’s review, shall we? First, stop and remain motionless. Second, don’t run. Third, police hunt in packs. If you remember these simple, but effective tidbits, they could save your life, and keep you from getting killed by the police.

On a serious note, a witness actually said this:

“It’s ridiculous. Why did they have to do that? They could have shot out his tires or something like that,” he said.

Hey, cocknozzle, this ain’t T.J. frikkin Hooker!

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: The Oldest Rule in the Book

Posted in How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor with tags , on January 19, 2009 by JumpOut

Being the web’s number one resource on information that can save your life when confronted by crazed feral police officers, I feel I may have done a disservice to my readers. It seems I made a mistake by assuming that everyone knew the most elementary rule in not getting killed by the police. I have recently found evidence that this is not the case.

The oldest rule in the book of how not to get killed by the police, the one I mistakenly thought went without saying, is a very popular, and well known cliche’. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Maybe it is all of you who have failed me! Maybe you have all been poor students, and by not being mildly curious about what you could learn away from here, you have failed a fellow student. He has now lost his life because he made a simple, obvious mistake.

Well, I guess I have to teach you this one too. The number one rule in how not to get killed by the police is “Don’t Bring a Knife to Gunfight!” Jesus H. Christ what are you people doing out there? It’s like I’m raising children around here! I can’t believe this:

Spokesman Jeff Kappel says it started with a 911 call at 1:16 a.m. Wednesday from an Aurora Avenue motel.

Responding officers heard the woman screaming that the man had a knife. When they forced open the door, Kappel says, the man sprayed officers with a chemical irritant. Officers used a stun gun on the man twice but he fought it off and refused orders to drop the knife.

Kappel says when the man advanced he was shot by four or five officers and died at the scene.

As far as inciting shooting frenzies goes, the only thing more likely to illicit one than a drunk in a Nazi uniform pointing a WWII replica rifle loaded with blanks is a knife wielding wackaloon.

Come on, people, it’s your lives on the line. Do I have to do all the work around here?

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Be Aware of How You Look

Posted in How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , , on January 6, 2009 by JumpOut

Today in our recurring instructional series How Not to Get Killed by the Police, we’ll be looking into the way your appearance affects the mood of the animals in blue.Through exhaustive study we have come to the conclusion that your appearance, i.e. what you’re wearing, how you present yourself, etc. have a strong effect on the behaviors of feral hordes of police officers. Certain clothing items and accessories have more profound effects than others.

There is a common misconception that body piercings and certain haircuts can set off wild police officers, but this is simply not the case. Most police officers are no more than mildly amused by foolish looking jewelry and hair. A vintage Nazi uniform accessorized by what is most likely a functioning Mauser rifle, on the other hand, will most likely send police officers in the area into a shooting frenzy. To significantly increase your chances of being killed in a shooting frenzy by untamed police officers, make sure your Mauser rifle is loaded with blanks and be sure to fire it in the vicinity of any feral police officers you may find.

MSNBC makes our point:

Murphy was University of Washington honor student and musician. He was a history buff who often wore vintage uniforms and collected WWII memorabilia, including a vintage German infantry rifle.

Early on New Years Day, police were called to the University District where Murphy had been firing blanks into the air to celebrate.

“He was holding the rifle in both hands. He pointed the rifle in their direction,” said Seattle Police Chief Gil Kerlikowske Friday.

Police Murphy refused several orders to drop the weapon.

“We hear, ‘Sir put the gun down. Don’t reach for anything. Don’t move. Put the gun down.’ Really shouting loud, shouting quick,” said Mark Kedziora, Murphy’s housemate.

“He raised the rifle and pointed it at them, and then briefly lowered it. He raised it again,” said Kerlikowske.

Two officers shot Murphy several times and he died at a hospital.

Apparently he had not been keeping up with our extensive research here at You Should Be Tasered. Had he been a regular reader this tragedy may not have befallen him. So tune in regularly boys and girls, so you can learn How Not to Get Killed by the Police.

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Survival Spanish

Posted in How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor with tags , , on December 22, 2008 by JumpOut

Today, in How Not to Get Killed by the Police, we’re going to discuss a very serious problem: Illegal immigration. Illegal immigrants pose a threat to many industries where the workers are typically paid in cash. One of the hardest hit professions is kidnapping.

Let’s say you’re a kidnapper just trying to do your job. You find a mark, and snatch him up. When you demand money from him, he says that he doesn’t have any, but he can make a phone call and get some. Obviously, in these tough economic times, nobody can afford to pass up a possible payday. When he makes the call, he starts speaking Spanish. How the hell do you know what he’s saying?

Here’s an example from the Atlanta Journal Constitution:

The kidnapping victim, an unidentified 31-year-old man, had just left another Waffle House. He was walking along Buford Highway near Lenox Road when two men in a burgundy Pontiac Grand Prix pulled up and forced him into the car at gunpoint, Meadows said.

They demanded money from the man, who said he had to call someone to get some, Meadows said. Instead, the victim called 911 on his cell phone and spoke Spanish to a police dispatcher.

The mark took advantage of the poor kidnapper’s ignorance of the Spanish language to attract dangerous police officers. Well, we all know how the story ends:

The officer fired one shot at the suspect, striking him in the chest, after the man got out of his vehicle and reached for his waistband, said Atlanta police Lt. Keith Meadows, commander of the homicide unit.

The man, George Pierre, 31, of Atlanta ran away, stumbled to the ground, got up and ran into street, where he was tackled by another officer and died.

Another life wasted because of the influx of illegal immigrants to this country.

Here is a quick list of simple Spanish words and phrases that could save your life, and possibly prevent your getting killed by the police:

  • Rico suave – Don’t call the police
  • Caca pasa – Hang up the phone
  • Uno cerveza, por favor – Give me all your money

And if all else fails, and you’re confronted by blood-thirsty, gun-wielding police officers, just say:

  • coja la policía – I surrender

Brush up on your Spanish. It could save your life one day. Remember, if the person doesn’t understand what you’re saying, speak louder.

This has been another installment of How Not to Get Killed by the Police brought to you by Law Enforcement Humor and Political Satire at You Should Be Tasered.

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Wilderness Safety

Posted in How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , on December 16, 2008 by JumpOut

Outdoor activities can be fun for mom, dad, junior, sissy, or even deranged Uncle Bob and his puppy. Don’t let carelessness turn a fun family outing into a blood-splattered scene of mayhem and death.

Thanks to the How Not to Get Killed by the Police series, we are all aware of how dangerous police officers in the wild can be. If you’re out in a wooded area walking your dog, brandishing a firearm, or just living there, you should be aware that it is possible that you could inadvertently cross paths with roaming groups of wild police officers.

If you should find yourself in a similar situation:

[Via Miami Herald]

The man lived in a heavily wooded area behind the community center at Naranja Park, 14150 SW 264th St. He slept under a blue tarp, next to his pots and pans.

Three detectives from the South District — until recently called the Cutler Ridge station — drove to the park Thursday afternoon.

They were investigating a report of a man who had pointed a rifle at a school bus several days ago, then ran into the same wooded area.

While they were scouring the woods, the dog burst out of the brush toward police. The man popped out, too.

You should remember that the wild police officers are very unpredictable when in a normal state. Like any wild animal, the danger is doubled when you startle them.

If you mistakenly cross the path of police officers in the wild, you should immediately fall to the ground, cover your face and head, and curl into ball. You have to show the police officers you are not a threat. If you fail to follow this advice, the outcome could be tragic:

”The suspect armed himself. He raised his weapon and police fired,” said Miami-Dade Detective Roy Rutland, a spokesman.

The man and the dog were mortally wounded. No officers were injured.

”The officers were in fear for their lives and their safety when the subject pointed a rifle at them,” said Brendan Coyle, an attorney with the Police Benevolent Association.

Don’t let this happen to you. Remember to get your dose of Law Enforcement Humor and Political Satire everyday from You Should Be Tasered so you can learn How Not to Get Killed by the Police.

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Playing in Traffic

Posted in Criminal Justice, How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts with tags , , , , on November 12, 2008 by JumpOut

Welcome once again to the recurring informational series: How Not to Get Killed by the Police.

We all know how dangerous roving bands of rabid policeman can be. By reading this series you can greatly reduce the chances of being killed or seriously injured if you happen, or mishappen as the case may be, upon these dangerous, mindless creatures.

Apparently rabid police officers are overcome by a murderous rage if you happen to frolic in traffic. While we’re not sure how this uncontrollable anger has developed from an evolutionary standpoint, we are certain that playing in traffic is a surefire way to draw the ire of any roaming police officers in the area.

This next story from STLtoday.com is a perfect example of police becoming violent when they see someone having fun wandering in traffic:

By Leah Thorsen
ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
11/12/2008

Collinsville — Police officers on Tuesday shot and killed a roaming ram and ewe because authorities feared the animals would cause a crash, said Police Chief Scott Williams.

The animals had been spotted crossing Illinois Route 157 in recent weeks, Williams said. “We deemed them to be dangerous,” he said. “They were running in and out of traffic.”

Apparently these innocent, snuggley, little sheep were out frolicking in their natural habitat, the road, when the rabid police officers gunned them down in a hail of bullets. This senseless death prompted one hippie to say:

“There was no reason to shoot and kill them,” she said. “They could have tranquilized them.”

Because we all know that all police officers carry tranquilizer guns on their duty belt. I never leave home without mine. The idea that a cute, loveable, ball of wool could be a danger to the big, mean, policemen is laughable at best.

So, let this be a lesson. If you happen to find yourself playing in traffic, the police may just shoot ewe. [insert rimshot and canned laughter here]

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Barricaded Subjects

Posted in Criminal Justice, How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts, News, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , , , on October 31, 2008 by JumpOut

Many people read the news everyday, and see people getting killed and maimed by police officers. I’m sure they’re wondering how they can avoid being mauled by roving bands of police officers. Well, I’m here to give you some effective survival techniques that you can use to keep from being injured or killed if faced with rabid police officers on the hunt for blood.

This guy could have used my help. The I could have explained to him that this is the wrong tactic to take:

Clark was shot to death shortly after 8 a.m., after locking himself in a room at the Frontier Motel…

If you find yourself being hunted like a criminal after you do something insigificant, like robbing a Burger King, we already know you shouldn’t run. Nor should you barricade yourself in a room, or building.

Police have a special relationship with barricades. They waste many hours manning them to keep traffic and people out of certain areas. They HATE barricades. They hate barricades more than puppies or rainbows. They kill anyone who makes them man barricades unnecessarily.

If you find yourself unwittingly barricaded in a motel room surrounded by police. You should come out immediately, and play dead. They will lose interest and go away. If you stay barricaded they will start to tease you. It will go something like this:

Police had used several tactics to get Clark to surrender, Pacheco said, including speaking through a bullhorn and penetrating the room with pepper balls, a flash-bang distraction grenade and tear gas.

It’s like when a cat corners a mouse, and swats at it, and toys with it before it kills the mouse. They start off by telling you something like, “Yo momma so fat, when she cuts herself chocolate milk comes out.” When this aggressive verbal taunting doesn’t work, they use their toys to make you run around for their amusement. If you don’t come out, they get tired of messing with you, and make entry.

Finally, if you find yourself unwittingly barricaded in a room surrounded by police, and the police have finished toying with you, DROP THE FREAKIN’ GUN!!!

Police finally blew the door open with a small explosive device, Pacheco said, and police ordered Clark to drop his gun.

Officer John Malovich fired at Clark after he refused to comply with repeated commands to drop the gun.

Another life that could have been saved by reading You Should Be Tasered. Don’t let this happen to you. Read You Should Be Tasered every day to learn how not to get killed by the police.