Archive for May, 2009

Computer Problems Again

Posted in Uncategorized on May 28, 2009 by JumpOut

I am having computer problems. Not sure what is wrong. I typed this on my phone. Phone sucks for blogging because it doesn’t trust the security certificate from wordpress. Be back when I get this figured out.

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So You Want to be the Police: Driving

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, So You Want to be the Police with tags , , , , , on May 12, 2009 by JumpOut

It probably goes without saying that police driving is different from civilian driving. If you want to be the police, there are some very important things to remember. These tips will help you stay safe, sane, and employed.

For the first tip, we must go back to high-school physics. We must always be cognizant of the fact that two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. No matter how hard you try, you cannot get your patrol car to pass through another vehicle unscathed.

You may think that the emblem on the side of a police care identifies the agency to which the car belongs. You would be wrong. The emblem is actually a coded sign that tells shit-bags, “I am easy to sue!” What that means to any of you prospective police officers is don’t expect the other drivers on the road to proceed with common sense. They will pull out in front of you praying that they hit you. They will motion you to go at an intersection, only to pull out, once again, praying you hit them. They will do all manner of idiotic things in an attempt to get your car to collide with their car. Then, they have the audacity to accuse you of writing them a ticket just because you’re mad they got in front of you in traffic.

Finally, I am convinced that all those psychological tests we are subjected to when we get hired serve a purpose other than making sure we are not psychos, deviants, and/or sadists. The main purpose of those tests are to make sure we are not susceptible to the brain sucking effects of the strobe lights. I wouldn’t think that pulling as far to the right as possible, and stopping is a hard concept to grasp. It never fails, when the lights come on, and you absolutely need to get somewhere fast, other drivers lose their fucking minds. They speed up, they straddle the center line, they pull left, they jam their breaks, they pull in front of you from private drives while you are doing 120 mph. I’m not sure how the strobe lights steal brains, or what they do with the the brains once they have them, and I think someone should do a study of this phenomenon.

Help Me Understand Something

Posted in Humor, law enforcement with tags , , on May 5, 2009 by JumpOut

As a 10 year law enforcement professional, sometimes I have trouble understanding some things. See, cops think very differently than most people when it pertains to law enforcement topics, just like I am sure doctors think differently on medical matters, and so on. Sometimes I wonder if I have been in law enforcement so long that I have lost touch with the non-police world. I want you to help me wrap my mind around a few things.

Is it just me, or is it pretty stupid for a parent to call the police because their kid doesn’t want to go to school? Isn’t one pretty much admitting defeat as a parent at that point? Is it wrong of me to have so much disdain in my heart for these people?

Is it just me, or does it seem rather idiotic for one to argue the law with the police? Let’s say for the sake of argument that the hypothetical policeperson (we must be politically correct) is wrong. The hypothetical policeperson is going to do their job the way they see fit, and the hypothetical complainant will not win this argument. Let me give you a for instance: Complainant calls police because their wife took their vehicle. Policeperson says that in this state all property is considered community property until the divorce is settled. What would prompt the complainant to answer with an ill-informed “No it’s not.”

Is it just me, or do people not understand that policepersons pay taxes too, and therefore pay their own salary? Why do idiots always throw out, “I pay your salary!” Bitch, I pay taxes too, so I pay as much of my salary as you do. Along with that, I know the Sheriff too. Spoke to him this morning, as a matter of fact.

Maybe I’m just an asshole that has become too cynical during the course of my career. Maybe I am completely out of touch. Somebody set me straight if I am wrong.

Naked Dude Gets The Crap Tased Out Of Him

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, Stupid Criminals, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , , , , on May 2, 2009 by JumpOut

I know, it’s a link to the Huffington Post. I despise HuffPo with every fiber of being, and would not willingly direct any of my readers to that den of asshattery. However, these are special circumstances. This video is too great not send you to it. I don’t know what else to do.

Now, in preparing to view this gem you need to keep in mind two things. First this video is not safe for work. Second, Jealous? Jealous of what?

So click here to view the video. Don’t venture too far away from the video, or you may get covered in batshit, and squirrel turds.

Let this be a lesson to you boys, and girls, when the friendly police man is asking you politely to do something, it’s not a good idea to say “I don’t have to!” Because, actually, you do have to. And you will, one way or the other.

Taser XREP

Posted in law enforcement, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , , on May 2, 2009 by JumpOut

I know the Taser XREP isn’t exactly new. I just think it would be a crime for anyone not to know about this wonderfully gruesome little device. If you’re bored (and if you’re reading this on Saturday, I know you are) watch the following promo from Taser. This thing just amazes me.

Can you imagine riding the lightening for 20 seconds? This thing is amazing, twisted, exceptionally useful, and sadistic all at the same time.

So, Do You Think The Taser Is a Load of Bull?

Posted in Humor, law enforcement with tags , , , , , , on May 1, 2009 by JumpOut

I have always wanted to try this. Where I work, there are still some rural areas, and we have to deal with fugitive livestock. I was always curious what would happen, but it appears some enterprising individual tested this theory.

So, how many times do you have to pull the trigger for medium rare?