Archive for the News Category

How Hot is it There?

Posted in Humor, News with tags , , , on June 25, 2009 by JumpOut

I guess teh global warming finally got us. We’ve been having 110 heat indexes all week. When it’s 99 degrees and 97 percent relative hunidity, the air conditioner in your car becomes almost useless. Hell, it is useless if you’re not in the shade.

I think the sun has been making me sweat out all my post ideas. Global warming sucks. Well, at least it rained yesterday for the first time in about a month.

Just some quick thoughts:

  • Politicians suck. All politicians regardless of the letter next to their name.
  • If you let an alcoholic crack addict spend the night at your house, you have no right to report your shit stolen the next day.
  • Quit saying “It’s just a border collie”, or “it’s just an australian shepherd.” Those dogs are 115% more likely to bite people than pit bulls*.

Hope you don’t die of heat exhaustion.

*I pulled this number out of my ass, but I’m sure it’s close

The Fiscal Responsibility Summit

Posted in News, Politics on February 23, 2009 by JumpOut

Isn’t President Obama hosting a fiscal responsibility summit at this point kind of like Jenna Jameson hosting an abstinence summit?

Global Warming Believers Are Stupid

Posted in Humor, News, Politics, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , , , , , on December 16, 2008 by JumpOut

Apparently snow in South Louisiana is an indicator of how hot everything else is getting. Who knew?

Scientists fear that what’s happening with Arctic ice melt will be amplified so that ominous sea level rise will occur sooner than they expected. They predict Arctic waters could be ice-free in summers, perhaps by 2013, decades earlier than they thought only a few years ago.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t we already supposed to be ankle deep in ocean water in Nevada by now or something? I know we’re supposed to be out of oil by now too.

Complicating everything is the worldwide financial meltdown. Frank Maisano, a Washington energy specialist and spokesman who represents coal-fired utilities and refineries, sees the poor economy as “a huge factor” that could stop everything. That’s because global warming efforts are aimed at restricting coal power, which is cheap. That would likely mean higher utility bills and more damage to ailing economies that depend on coal production, he said.

Of course, let’s screw everybody for the sake of our stupid religion. This is more important than people. People are why this happened, so they deserve to suffer.

Mother Nature, of course, is oblivious to the federal government’s machinations. Ironically, 2008 is on pace to be a slightly cooler year in a steadily rising temperature trend line. Experts say it’s thanks to a La Nina weather variation. While skeptics are already using it as evidence of some kind of cooling trend, it actually illustrates how fast the world is warming.

There’s the punchline, I can’t do better than that. Remember, there is no debate! Every scientist in the world agrees that man-made global warming is the shit! In the words of Mystikal, “If I tell ya it’s the shit, then that’s just what it is!”

Taser Saves Mule Deer

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts, News with tags , , , on November 5, 2008 by JumpOut

Don’t you just hate it when a deer gets its antlers tangled in your rope swing? I know I sure do. The poor thing runs around in circles until it breaks its own neck, or is shot by an opportunistic hunter. It’s an unfortunate situation.

You may be thinking, “JumpOut, there must be a better way to free a deer from a rope swing that doesn’t kill the deer.” Missoula County Sheriffs Deputies have found a safe and humane, yet funny in a Schadenfreude kinda way to free deer from rope swings.

Deputies taser mule deer

Missoula County sheriff’s deputies turned a Taser on a mule deer buck Tuesday in order to free the animal from a rope swing near Lolo.

“We were able to avoid having to euthanize it, so it worked out pretty well,” said Lt. Rich Maricelli.

While I am sure I would prefer to shoot the deer and then eat him, I am also sensitive to law enforcement concerns of traumatizing the little old lady that may have discovered a deer in her rope swing. So remember boys and girls, if you find a deer tangled in your rope swing use the taser. If you use it enough, you won’t have to cook the deer later.

They See Me Roll on, My Segway!

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts, News, Politics, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , , on November 3, 2008 by JumpOut

San Jose Police Officers to get White N Nerdy!

I would so freakin’ quit!

San Jose police officers will be patrolling downtown in some new wheels. But not a car or a motorcycle. They’ll be riding Segways.

Only in Cali-friggin-fornia. So what does the dip-shit police chief have to say for himself?

Police Chief Rob Davis says the two-wheeled motorized scooters will make officers more visible and approachable in the downtown entertainment zone.

Heh, visible, approachable, and laughable.

“We have found that at the airport, people seem to like coming up to officers and engage them in conversation,” Police Chief Rob Davis said. “It seems to break down a barrier.”

Unfortunately most of those conversations start like this: So uh, you gonna give me your lunch money today, or do you need another wedgie?

“To be able to scoot along without having to rely on patrol cars just seems to make a lot of sense,” Davis said.

Maybe, but enticing people to try to beat up police officers for their lunch money doesn’t. The day my department gets taken over by hippies like this is the day I turn in my badge for good. God damned dirty stinkin’ hippies.

The Irony is Too Much

Posted in News, Politics, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , , , , , on November 2, 2008 by JumpOut

It seems for the past eight years, comparisons between George Bush and Hitler and have become inescapable. Hollywood types like Tim Robbins, and Susan Sarandon have been willing to waste good people’s oxygen talking about chill winds, dissent squashing, and constitution destroying. Having made my rounds through the blogosphere and seeing all the Chimpy Mbu$hitleroniburton posts I find it funny now that all those who decried the Bush administration as fascists have completely embraced Barack Obama. Why do I find it funny? Well take these examples:

Example 1

Example 2

Example 3

Example 4

Example 5

Example 6

You smell that? Someone left the irony on.

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Barricaded Subjects

Posted in Criminal Justice, How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts, News, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , , , on October 31, 2008 by JumpOut

Many people read the news everyday, and see people getting killed and maimed by police officers. I’m sure they’re wondering how they can avoid being mauled by roving bands of police officers. Well, I’m here to give you some effective survival techniques that you can use to keep from being injured or killed if faced with rabid police officers on the hunt for blood.

This guy could have used my help. The I could have explained to him that this is the wrong tactic to take:

Clark was shot to death shortly after 8 a.m., after locking himself in a room at the Frontier Motel…

If you find yourself being hunted like a criminal after you do something insigificant, like robbing a Burger King, we already know you shouldn’t run. Nor should you barricade yourself in a room, or building.

Police have a special relationship with barricades. They waste many hours manning them to keep traffic and people out of certain areas. They HATE barricades. They hate barricades more than puppies or rainbows. They kill anyone who makes them man barricades unnecessarily.

If you find yourself unwittingly barricaded in a motel room surrounded by police. You should come out immediately, and play dead. They will lose interest and go away. If you stay barricaded they will start to tease you. It will go something like this:

Police had used several tactics to get Clark to surrender, Pacheco said, including speaking through a bullhorn and penetrating the room with pepper balls, a flash-bang distraction grenade and tear gas.

It’s like when a cat corners a mouse, and swats at it, and toys with it before it kills the mouse. They start off by telling you something like, “Yo momma so fat, when she cuts herself chocolate milk comes out.” When this aggressive verbal taunting doesn’t work, they use their toys to make you run around for their amusement. If you don’t come out, they get tired of messing with you, and make entry.

Finally, if you find yourself unwittingly barricaded in a room surrounded by police, and the police have finished toying with you, DROP THE FREAKIN’ GUN!!!

Police finally blew the door open with a small explosive device, Pacheco said, and police ordered Clark to drop his gun.

Officer John Malovich fired at Clark after he refused to comply with repeated commands to drop the gun.

Another life that could have been saved by reading You Should Be Tasered. Don’t let this happen to you. Read You Should Be Tasered every day to learn how not to get killed by the police.