Archive for March, 2009

Book Review: No Angel by Jay Dobyns and Nils Johnson-Shelton

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2009 by JumpOut

As I said before, being a powerful and influential member of the Law Enforcement Humor media, I was sent a copy of the book No Angel: My Harrowing Undercover Journey to the Inner Circle of the Hells Angels. I would like to thank Alisha Burns, Digital Marketing Assistant Manager with The Crown Publishing Group, for giving me the opportunity to review this book. This was an awesome book.

First off, a few heads ups. If you don’t like graphic language or violence, this is not the book for you. Also, No Angel is not about what a great guy Jay Dobyns is. Neither is it about what no good lowlifes bikers are. To put it simply: No Angel is an emotional tale of good versus evil told in a no holds barred style. It’s kind of like Star Wars, but without wookies, space ships, or lightsabers.

No Angel tells the story of ATF Special Agent Jay “Bird” Dobyns and his undercover journey into the world of Arizona outlaw motorcycle clubs, mainly the infamous Hells Angels. The writing is very vivid. You can almost taste the dust on Dobyns’ runs through the desert.

Dobyns spent almost two years posing as an outlaw biker, gaining the trust of (and evidence against) the Hells Angels shot-callers in Arizona. His experience brings the reader a gritty view of the criminal underbelly of the Hells Angles, and of the dark side of the human existence. Dobyns battles bikers, fear, temptation, and his made-up criminal personna, Bird, to bring some really nasty individuals to justice. But at what cost?

If all that isn’t enough to sell you on the book, the chapter titles are some of the best I’ve ever seen. With chapter titles like Look lady, it’s not like I don’t give a fuck what you’re saying, but I don’t give a fuck what you’re saying, and Jesus hates a pussy, I was hooked from the moment I opened the cover.

You can get No Angel at Amazon.com, Barns & Noble.com, and Borders.com. You can find out more about Jay Dobyns at his website.

Finished, Finally

Posted in Uncategorized on March 25, 2009 by JumpOut

Yeah, I’m still around. I kind of put blogging on hold for a while to finish reading No Angel. Well, I finished reading reading No Angel and I am working on the book review right now. I should have it up no later than tomorrow. Check back soon.

Police Officer Arrested in Prostitution Sting

Posted in Uncategorized on March 18, 2009 by JumpOut

Via WaPo

If there is anything I hate worse than stupid criminals, it’s criminal cops. Officer Robert Schmidt was arrested in an anti-prostitution sting. That idiot solicited sex for money from a cop on the internet. Haven’t you ever heard of Chris Hansen, you cocknozzle? Thanks for furthering the stereotype you fucking asshole.

Have some respect for yourself. If you can’t do that, have some respect for the badge. If you can’t do that, have some respect for the people you work with. If you can’t do any of those, you have no business in this profession.

Lord knows this profession is not about money. You will never get rich in law enforcement. This profession is about serving something greater than yourself. Even if you’ve already lost the idealistic “I can make a difference” attitude, the respect for your brothers in blue in should drive you to be better. As far as I am concerned, this is the best metaphor to explain what law enforcement is about.

Officer Schmidt, you’re a punk in a cop suit.

P.S. By the way, I don’t give a fuck whether you think prostitution should be illegal. It is illegal, and this douche is a cop.

P.P.S. Sorry for the cussin’

Law Enforcement Facts: You Really Shouldn’t Have

Posted in Humor, Law Enforcement Facts with tags , , on March 14, 2009 by JumpOut

As I get ready for another day of listening to complaints from grown ups that behave like children, people complaining about children that act like grown ups, I leave you with a post. What follows is a quick list of things you shouldn’t do if you are dealing with law enforcement.

  • Do not follow behind a police car, flashing your high beams, and breaking traffic laws to get the police officer to stop so you can ask directions.
  • Do not call the police and lie about having a disturbance with your boyfriend just so you can get a ride.
  • Do not call the police for help then proceed to act like an asshole when the police show up to help. I will quickly tell you to go fuck yourself
  • Do not call the police for them to come to your house without secure your family pet. Dogs don’t like the uniform, and I will quickly end your dog’s life.
  • Last, but certainly not least, do not make a threatening jab-step at the police officer that’s pointing a taser at you.

I know must of my kickass readers understand these things. Most of you think they are common sense. Let me assure you that common sense ain’t common, and I wouldn’t mention these if people had never done them. I hope this list will help make your next contact with law enforcement a pleasant one.

You Writing a Novel?

Posted in Linky Love with tags , on March 13, 2009 by JumpOut

Chapter 5 of Mild Max is up at the conservative political humor blog Radioactive Liberty. Go now. If you’re interested in reading the whole story, or writing a chapter your self go to the Mild Max Blog.

Dick Vitale is Bad Enough

Posted in Sports on March 13, 2009 by JumpOut

I don’t know if this happens where you live, but every year about this time every car dealerships make commercials to take advantage of of the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Insead of telling us that they’ll be open for triple overtime or some other equally nonsensical comparison, they hire people to do awful Dick Vitale immitations.

Dickie V is annoying all by himself, but that’s his schtick. These immitators don’t even do a good job of sounding like him. You wouldn’t even know they were immitating Dickie V if not for the “dipsey doo dunkaroo” or the obligatory “bay-bee”. It’s horrible.

If I ever get lyme disease, wig out, and go on shooting spree, you’ll have nothing to fear from me. Unless of course you do bad Dick Vitale impressions on radio commercials.

Quit Being Such a Pussy About Tasers

Posted in Humor, Stupid Criminals, Stupid Hippies with tags , , on March 11, 2009 by JumpOut

What the hell is going on with people these days? Not you people, my readers are filled with kickassery, but there are some whiney ass people tear assing around the country just trying to force their pussification on everyone.

Did you know there is actually a group called The Coalition to Control Tasers? I guess there have been Tasers roaming the countryside attacking unsuspecting citizens. I don’t know about you, but my taser is pretty well controlled. I guess it’s possible when I go to bed my taser sneaks out of the house and tases old grannies and small children while I sleep. I wonder how many members of this coalition have been tased. I wonder how many of them have bathed in the last week?

God forbid some some two-bit crackhead has to ride the lightening. God forbid law enforcement has a relatively safe and effective tool with which to enforce the law. I’m sorry, but if some tweaker with a heart condition gets hopped up on meth, and dies after being tased, I don’t give a rat’s ass. As far as I know, there aren’t cops picking people at random and tasing them for no reason.

I’m sure most of the people that get tased will tell you they were sitting under a shade tree, reading their bible, and contemplating the nature of charity. I got news for you; that ain’t true. That’s just like the guy that calls the police about getting beat up by four black guys for no reason. That just doesn’t happen all that often.

Another thing these anti-taser hippies whine about is when granny gets tased. They act like there is no possible justification for tasing an elderly woman. Have you ever dealt with a cantankerous old woman suffering from dementia? Yes, old people commit crimes for which they need to be arrested. Old people also get committed to the nervous hospital because they flip their lid. Yes, old people resist arrest, and they don’t particularly like the tapioca at the nervous hospital. Would you prefer that I slam old blue haired granny on the pavement and break her hip, or do you think that just maybe granny would rather be in immense pain for five seconds than having to be confined to a wheel chair for the short while she has left on the planet?

Why does anybody listen to these damned granola eating, whiney ass hippies? Have we come to a point as a nation that anytime the babies cry, we give them their pacifier? Let the little assholes cry themselves to sleep. Maybe they’ll wake up in a better mood, and stop throwing their tantrums.

Just because I can’t watch this one enough.

Uncharted Territory

Posted in Criminal Justice, law enforcement with tags , , , , , , , , on March 9, 2009 by JumpOut

I’m about to try something new, uncharted territory if you will. You see, being a powerful and influential member of the law enforcement humor media, I was asked to do a book review.

The book I was asked to review is called No Angel. It’s the story of ATF Agent Jay Dobyns and his infiltration of the Hells Angels motorcycle gang. I actually first heard about the book when Agt. Dobyns was interviewed on Coast to Coast AM (no, bitch, I don’t believe in aliens). I have too short an attention span to read usually, but the interview certainly made the book sound like a worthwhile investment of my time.

Well, I got my free copy of the book today so I could get to reviewing it. I’m not sure how long it’s going to take. Between work, three kids, a nearly fatal video game addiction, and the attention span of a gerbil on meth, there are plenty of distractions.

I will say this: In just the first chapter, they are already describing a head injury as “…his head split to the white meat.” and one of the agents singing Easy Like Sunday Morning poorly. The former being a phrase I’ve seldom heard used outside of criminals and cops, the latter being a bad habit of mine that drives my wife crazy. For instance: “What do you want for supper?”

“That’s why I’m eeeeeasaaaayyyyy, easy like Sunday morning.”

You can see how that would get annoying. Anywho, I got four chapters down, with 35 to go. I’ll be giving you a detailed and expert analysis of this book which seems to be teeming with kickassedness.

Sense of Humor

Posted in law enforcement on March 9, 2009 by JumpOut

I have been trying to come up with somehing funny to write, but I think my sense of humor is broken. Here I am at work while my stomach is feeling like I ate a steaming hot bowl of botulism and still nothing is coming.

My sense of humor is so broken, I think I may have lost all my people skills. For instance, I went to a complaint the other day. The complaint was a domestic disturbance. Upon arrival, the supposedly feuding couple was sitting shoulder to shoulder on the front porch. I asked what the was, and the female said I just need you to stand by while I get my stuff and leave.

Great, babysitting grown folk is so much fun. So she packs all her crap, and I walk out with her. Once in the drive way she asks, “which car do I get in?”

All I could think to say was, “You mean you don’t have a ride?” It hits me now that there was no disturbance, and she needed no protection while gathering her belongings. She just wanted a ride. Like I’m fucking yellow cab. Yay! And people wonder why cops are cynical.

Since We’ve Been Slacking

Posted in Linky Love on March 5, 2009 by JumpOut

ColdSoldier and I have been getting abused like rented mules at work lately, so we’ve been kind of slacking on the blogging front, in case you haven’t noticed. In effort to cover this up, while exerting as little effort as possible, here are some links to other stuff you might like:

My latest Law Enforcement and political humor at Radioactive Liberty

I’ve gotten involved with a project started by political humorist Les James. It’s called Mild Max, and it’s an ongoing story with alternating writers. I was supposed to do Chapter 2 but my computer problems screwed that up. So I’ll be doing Chapter 5 not this Friday, but next. Catch up from the beginning.

So go catch up. I should have a new educational piece up by the weekend. See you then.