Archive for Humor

So You Want to be the Police: Driving

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, So You Want to be the Police with tags , , , , , on May 12, 2009 by JumpOut

It probably goes without saying that police driving is different from civilian driving. If you want to be the police, there are some very important things to remember. These tips will help you stay safe, sane, and employed.

For the first tip, we must go back to high-school physics. We must always be cognizant of the fact that two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. No matter how hard you try, you cannot get your patrol car to pass through another vehicle unscathed.

You may think that the emblem on the side of a police care identifies the agency to which the car belongs. You would be wrong. The emblem is actually a coded sign that tells shit-bags, “I am easy to sue!” What that means to any of you prospective police officers is don’t expect the other drivers on the road to proceed with common sense. They will pull out in front of you praying that they hit you. They will motion you to go at an intersection, only to pull out, once again, praying you hit them. They will do all manner of idiotic things in an attempt to get your car to collide with their car. Then, they have the audacity to accuse you of writing them a ticket just because you’re mad they got in front of you in traffic.

Finally, I am convinced that all those psychological tests we are subjected to when we get hired serve a purpose other than making sure we are not psychos, deviants, and/or sadists. The main purpose of those tests are to make sure we are not susceptible to the brain sucking effects of the strobe lights. I wouldn’t think that pulling as far to the right as possible, and stopping is a hard concept to grasp. It never fails, when the lights come on, and you absolutely need to get somewhere fast, other drivers lose their fucking minds. They speed up, they straddle the center line, they pull left, they jam their breaks, they pull in front of you from private drives while you are doing 120 mph. I’m not sure how the strobe lights steal brains, or what they do with the the brains once they have them, and I think someone should do a study of this phenomenon.

Help Me Understand Something

Posted in Humor, law enforcement with tags , , on May 5, 2009 by JumpOut

As a 10 year law enforcement professional, sometimes I have trouble understanding some things. See, cops think very differently than most people when it pertains to law enforcement topics, just like I am sure doctors think differently on medical matters, and so on. Sometimes I wonder if I have been in law enforcement so long that I have lost touch with the non-police world. I want you to help me wrap my mind around a few things.

Is it just me, or is it pretty stupid for a parent to call the police because their kid doesn’t want to go to school? Isn’t one pretty much admitting defeat as a parent at that point? Is it wrong of me to have so much disdain in my heart for these people?

Is it just me, or does it seem rather idiotic for one to argue the law with the police? Let’s say for the sake of argument that the hypothetical policeperson (we must be politically correct) is wrong. The hypothetical policeperson is going to do their job the way they see fit, and the hypothetical complainant will not win this argument. Let me give you a for instance: Complainant calls police because their wife took their vehicle. Policeperson says that in this state all property is considered community property until the divorce is settled. What would prompt the complainant to answer with an ill-informed “No it’s not.”

Is it just me, or do people not understand that policepersons pay taxes too, and therefore pay their own salary? Why do idiots always throw out, “I pay your salary!” Bitch, I pay taxes too, so I pay as much of my salary as you do. Along with that, I know the Sheriff too. Spoke to him this morning, as a matter of fact.

Maybe I’m just an asshole that has become too cynical during the course of my career. Maybe I am completely out of touch. Somebody set me straight if I am wrong.

So, Do You Think The Taser Is a Load of Bull?

Posted in Humor, law enforcement with tags , , , , , , on May 1, 2009 by JumpOut

I have always wanted to try this. Where I work, there are still some rural areas, and we have to deal with fugitive livestock. I was always curious what would happen, but it appears some enterprising individual tested this theory.

So, how many times do you have to pull the trigger for medium rare?

So You Want to be the Police: You’ll See Dead People

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, So You Want to be the Police with tags , , , , on April 30, 2009 by JumpOut

In this line of work, it is inevitable that you will see dead bodies. You’ll see old people that died in their sleep. Young people cut down in the prime of their lives. Freak accidents, and deaths that can’t be immediately explained.

Though I am a seasoned law enforcement officer, the sight of a dead body always affects me. I’m not so cynical that I have become totally numb to the loss of human life. Every single time I see a dead body, it makes me question things that I wouldn’t otherwise take the time to think about.

One of the first questions that always pops into my head when viewing a dead body is what the fuck is that smell? No, seriously, what the fuck is that smell. Is that the dead dude I’m smelling, or that bowl of tuna fish sitting on the counter? Maybe it’s that mangy Pomeranian in the kennel in the bathroom. Whatever it is, it stinks.

One of the things that I mull over at suicide scenes is, what the fuck did I just step in? Was that dog shit? It was kind of squishy, I hope it wasn’t a hunk of brain. That question usually leads to, is there a water hose around here? I don’t want to track whatever that was into my unit.

Another one of the mysteries of life that I’ll ponder at a death scene is whether or not the rookie is gonna puke. He is a little wide eyed and pale. Maybe he already puked, and was smooth enough to keep everyone from seeing. Maybe that’s what I’m smelling. Maybe that’s what I stepped in.

Sometimes I’ll share my profound questions with some of my co-workers. Sometimes the questions are just too poignant to keep to myself. Sometimes I’ll enlist my co-workers’ insight to solve one of these mysteries. Especially when the question is where are we going to eat lunch when we leave here? I’m starving, and I don’t give a shit if that rookie lost his appetite. He needs to learn to suck it up.

Probably the most important question that hits me is how much longer are those damned detectives going to keep me out here? Do they really need to keep me out here with my thumb up my ass while they poke this guy’s entrails with a stick? I need to go wash off my boots, and I’m still freakin’ starving.

Law Enforcement Facts: Suicide

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, Law Enforcement Facts with tags , , , , on April 28, 2009 by JumpOut

Suicide is a stupid, selfish thing to do. It’s been said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I would not suggest that you try it. If you did try it, I would think you were stupid and selfish, and you will likely go to Hell. With that being said…

Suicide isn’t complicated. All you have to do is perform an act that is guaranteed to kill you. Large amounts of poisons work well. So does the liberal application of bullets to your head. Hanging will get the job done. Dousing yourself with gasoline, and setting yourself on fire will do the trick as well. If you are attempting suicide, you are a failure at life. If you fail at suicide, you are a failure at death. If you fail at suicide, you have pulled a fail of epic proportions.

If you’re going to commit suicide, just do it. There is no need to let anyone know. You telling the police that you are going to kill yourself will pretty much cause you to keep living. For instance, don’t take one handful of pills, call the police and tell them you are going to take another handful of pills. There is no reason for us to know. There is nothing criminal about wanting to commit suicide.

If you’re going to kill yourself, for Pete’s sake, leave a frikkin note! If you leave a note, we’ll show up, see your dead body, read the note, and say, “Hey, this fool committed suicide!” That’s a wrap. If you don’t leave a note, we’ll show up, see your dead body hanging by a noose from the ceiling fan, and say, “Hey, this fool committed suicide!” Then your family will show up. They will be convinced that you were murdered because you bound your own hands before hanging yourself, and pester the detectives to continue investigating this case. You were a pain in the ass in life, and now you are continuing to be a pain in the ass after you’re dead. Why would you want to cause us all this aggravation?

When you write your note, make it short, and to the point. Five hundred words or less should do the trick. Also, spare us the hurting your family routine. You know what I mean? All this melodrama about how your parents forced you to do this, and your parents are murderers is just asinine. If they were really that bad as parents, they don’t care. If they weren’t as bad as you thought prior to assuming room temperature, you’ve hurt them enough already. Nothing you can say will make it worse. They will already think it is their fault and that they did something wrong because it’s the way parents think. Besides, I don’t want to read all that emotional bullshit.

Finally, what kind of loser commits suicide behind a member of the opposite sex? I always have a hard time wrapping my head around that one. Think about this for just a moment. These fools say, “He/She cheated on me! I’ll show them! I’ll kill myself!” If they were cheating, they don’t care that much. Seriously, there are lots of women/men out there. Not many that will sleep with a codependent, emotional wreck devoid of self-esteem such as yourself, but more are out there. I’ve seen them. Usually when I’ve shown up a residence where someone called the police to tell them they are about to commit suicide.

So You Want to be the Police: What You Can Learn From My Latest Seven Day Work Week

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, So You Want to be the Police, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , , , , , , on April 27, 2009 by JumpOut

And other fun facts

So, you want to be the police, huh? Let me give you some insight into what you will face if you decide to get behind the badge. I just worked a seven day work week. It’s not the first and won’t be the last. This one was by choice. I volunteered to work a warrant round-up on my days off for time and a half. After all, they pay me like a policeman. After working this seven day work week, and listening to mostly talk radio during the day, I have come to a startling conclusion. According to the Barack Obama administration, working for seven straight twelve hour days is a form of torture.

The English philosopher Herbert Spencer said, “The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.” With every passing day that I work, I am more convinced that the human race has defeated natural selection. The majority of my time at work is spent shielding men from the effects of folly. As the years have passed, I have watched as juvenile delinquents have grown to convicted felons, and begin to raise their very own future convicted felons. In years past these people would have been hanged in the town square for rustling cattle or something. The gene pool needs an enema. Maybe swine flu will help me out with that.

Once you reach a certain level of crazy, we should be able to put you down like a rabid dog. Once you exhibit symptoms of being a dangerous crazy person, the responding officers should be able to just end it, right there, for the sake of the community. I’m sure you’re wondering who would make the determination of what is “too crazy”? Well, that’s easy. Me, of course. I would be good at that job.

I spent some time working with some guys from the United States Marshall’s Service. I let one of them borrow my pen, and I never got it back. Let this be a lesson to you. Every time you let the Federal government borrow one of your freedoms for the sake of safety, it will end up wherever my pen is.

Right Wing Extremist Vs. Law Enforcement

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, Politics, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , on April 18, 2009 by JumpOut

I find myself in a paradox. I’m sure you have all heard about the Department of Homeland Security report on right wing extremists. Basically the report warns law enforcement that right wing extremism is on the rise, and gives us some clues on how to spot right wing extremists.

You might be a dangerous right wing extremist if you don’t think Barack Obama is doing a good job. You might be a dangerous right wing extremist if you don’t want to see more restrictions on firearms and ammunition. You might be a dangerous right wing extremist if you think illegal immigration is a problem.

The paradox comes in because I am all of the above. So I guess I am supposed to be on the look out for myself. What should I do if I see myself? Should I notify Homeland Security, or the FBI? Should I take cover and call for back up? Should I try to apprehend myself? Apparently I am a threat to society and charged with protecting society. I am so confused.

See I don’t want to go to jail. Maybe I should hide from myself. I think I’ll have to stop shaving to avoid detection. That would cause me to grow a beard, and I might have a harder time recognizing myself. I thought about running, but I don’t think I can outrun me.

So You Want to be the Police: Child Psychology

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, So You Want to be the Police with tags , , , , , , on April 17, 2009 by JumpOut

Law enforcement officers wear many hats. From traffic control to shooting stupid people, we are expected to be able to fix any problem. Sometimes people ask us to do things that are utterly impossible.

Let’s say you are a single mother. Your career path has been mainly exotic dancing up to this point. Let’s also say you have a fourteen year old daughter that you leave with your mother every night when you go to work at the local exposed breast establishment. How could you possibly be pissed when you come home and find your fourteen year old angel screwing an eighteen year old member of the Future Felons of America? You’ve taught that child all she knows, yet you refuse to look in the mirror and accept any responsibility for your daughters behavior. How could you possibly expect your daughter to respect you when you don’t respect yourself. What do you think the police can do to fix your situation?

For you aspiring police officers out there, you will be faced with this situation, and others similar to it. Here are a few pieces of advice when dealing with the “I can’t control my kid” episode of Maury:

  • Unass the call as quickly as possible. Any time spent trying to resolve the situation is probably a waste.
  • Make sure the “out of control” teenager’s parents know that it is perfectly okay to beat the shit of the kid.
  • If the “out of control” teenager gives you the slightest opportunity to defend yourself, take it, and make it count. It might be the only ass whipping they get.
  • Nothing you say to the little shit will make a dent.
  • You can’t fix in an hour what it took fourteen years for somebody to screw up.
  • Remember the kid’s face, name, and date of birth. It will come in handy when writing that armed robbery warrant later.

Remember, it’s a jungle out there. Except we’ve outsmarted Darwin. We do everything we can to keep stupid people from dying. That means there are more stupid people breeding, and their stupid offspring have a greater chance of growing up. It’s the slow death of the human race, but it means job security.

Sorry, I know I promised an article on strippers and their role in law enforcement, but I need to do some more research. I promise I’ll get that one to you soon.

Happy Easter 2009

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on April 12, 2009 by JumpOut

Yeah, so I’m working on Easter too. Lovely. Just like for Christmas, if I have to go to your house behind some childish shit on Easter, I’m bringing an ass whoopin (read=taser) with me.

So, I hope you have a safe and happy Easter. At least I’ll be off the next two days.

*UPDATE* Unfortunately nobody got tased today. I do not understand why people can’t behave on Easter Freakin Sunday! I’m so aggravated right now, I can’t even begin to explain. Well, I was aggravated when I got off 2 hours ago. Now, I’m mostly just intoxicated from the beer, and hopped up on the peeps. Getting hammered on beer and eating yourself into a diabetic coma is a good way to blow off steam.

Anyhoo, just so you know I am not a complete heathern, I have a little Easter story for you below the fold:

Continue reading

So You Want to be the Police: Crazy People

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, So You Want to be the Police with tags , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2009 by JumpOut

Any good law enforcement officer has to learn to deal with crazy people. When I say crazy people, I mean certifiable, paranoid schizophrenic, nutty as a squirrel turd, should be in a nervous hospital (mmm hmmm) but aren’t, people.

It’s a sad fact of life that there are people in this world that have no place in it. Their mind is so broken, they can’t function in normal society. Some of these people have no one to care for them, or at least keep them from unleashing their insanity on the unsuspecting public, and the all too suspecting police.

There are basically three types of crazy people that law enforcement officers deal with. Each type of lunatic requires a specific approach to dealing with them. This post will cover the three types, and the most effective method in dealing with each one.

The first and most benign type of lunatic is the friendly crazy person that just wants some company. In this line of work, you can never drop your guard, but this person probably isn’t going to hurt anyone. Typically they call the police with some sort of odd request. Something like they have a spider in their house, or someone is stealing the water from their ditch.

The most effective way to deal with this person is to listen to what they have to say. Nod your head understandingly. Do the best you can to keep that “WTF” look off your face. Assure them you’ll look in to their complaint, and do whatever you can (read: nothing). If you’re bored, and want to have a few laughs while simultaneously doing a good job of resolving their problems, string them along a bit. I know it sounds cruel, but it can be funny, and make them feel better. When they start telling you about the dream they had of the love of their life having sex with a porn star, ask questions. Questions like “who was the love of your life” or “who was the porn star.”

What you should not do is appear disinterested.You should avoid questions like “What are you, crazy?” and “Do I look like I give a fuck?” Most importantly, when they are recounting the dream about the love of their life getting banged by a porn star, and they get to the part about waking up “playing with themselves” don’t let them see you laughing.

The next type of crazy person is the incoherent rambler. This is the guy that is so far gone there is no reasoning with them. They will go from babbling gibberish to screaming wildly about nothing in the drop of a hat. You will usually come across them wandering aimlessly in traffic, or running through a neighborhood covered in their own shit. They are dangerous, but that is obvious. It is the obviousness of the threat they pose that makes them less dangerous than type number three which we will discuss in a moment.

There are only a few options in dealing with this person. If you can make contact with a concerned family member, hopefully they can come take this problem off your hands. If you can’t get in contact with a family member, you’re going to need a taser, and a water hose. It could also help if you can bring a food offering of some kind to your local correctional officers. They are not going to be happy with you.

Finally, you have the most dangerous crazy person. This is the crazy person that can seem normal but in a moments notice become agitated and start acting like Karl Childers on meth. Dealing with these fuckers is like putting a snake in your underwear, there just isn’t a safe way to do it. The only advice I can give, is be polite, have your head on a swivel, and do not hesitate to inflict blinding pain or death on this fucker if you have to. What you should never do is turn your back on Karl over there, or you might end up with a kaiser blade (some folks call it a slingblade, I call it a kaiser blade) embedded in your skull.

Feel free to print this handy dandy little guide and keep it in your unit for reference. It could save your life one day…or it could get you in trouble too if the brass is overly PC. On second thought, just commit it memory. Come back next time boys and girls where Uncle JumpOut will teach you all about strippers, and their role in law enforcement.