Archive for satire

Law Enforcement Facts: Suicide

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, Law Enforcement Facts with tags , , , , on April 28, 2009 by JumpOut

Suicide is a stupid, selfish thing to do. It’s been said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I would not suggest that you try it. If you did try it, I would think you were stupid and selfish, and you will likely go to Hell. With that being said…

Suicide isn’t complicated. All you have to do is perform an act that is guaranteed to kill you. Large amounts of poisons work well. So does the liberal application of bullets to your head. Hanging will get the job done. Dousing yourself with gasoline, and setting yourself on fire will do the trick as well. If you are attempting suicide, you are a failure at life. If you fail at suicide, you are a failure at death. If you fail at suicide, you have pulled a fail of epic proportions.

If you’re going to commit suicide, just do it. There is no need to let anyone know. You telling the police that you are going to kill yourself will pretty much cause you to keep living. For instance, don’t take one handful of pills, call the police and tell them you are going to take another handful of pills. There is no reason for us to know. There is nothing criminal about wanting to commit suicide.

If you’re going to kill yourself, for Pete’s sake, leave a frikkin note! If you leave a note, we’ll show up, see your dead body, read the note, and say, “Hey, this fool committed suicide!” That’s a wrap. If you don’t leave a note, we’ll show up, see your dead body hanging by a noose from the ceiling fan, and say, “Hey, this fool committed suicide!” Then your family will show up. They will be convinced that you were murdered because you bound your own hands before hanging yourself, and pester the detectives to continue investigating this case. You were a pain in the ass in life, and now you are continuing to be a pain in the ass after you’re dead. Why would you want to cause us all this aggravation?

When you write your note, make it short, and to the point. Five hundred words or less should do the trick. Also, spare us the hurting your family routine. You know what I mean? All this melodrama about how your parents forced you to do this, and your parents are murderers is just asinine. If they were really that bad as parents, they don’t care. If they weren’t as bad as you thought prior to assuming room temperature, you’ve hurt them enough already. Nothing you can say will make it worse. They will already think it is their fault and that they did something wrong because it’s the way parents think. Besides, I don’t want to read all that emotional bullshit.

Finally, what kind of loser commits suicide behind a member of the opposite sex? I always have a hard time wrapping my head around that one. Think about this for just a moment. These fools say, “He/She cheated on me! I’ll show them! I’ll kill myself!” If they were cheating, they don’t care that much. Seriously, there are lots of women/men out there. Not many that will sleep with a codependent, emotional wreck devoid of self-esteem such as yourself, but more are out there. I’ve seen them. Usually when I’ve shown up a residence where someone called the police to tell them they are about to commit suicide.

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So You Want to be the Police: Crazy People

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, So You Want to be the Police with tags , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2009 by JumpOut

Any good law enforcement officer has to learn to deal with crazy people. When I say crazy people, I mean certifiable, paranoid schizophrenic, nutty as a squirrel turd, should be in a nervous hospital (mmm hmmm) but aren’t, people.

It’s a sad fact of life that there are people in this world that have no place in it. Their mind is so broken, they can’t function in normal society. Some of these people have no one to care for them, or at least keep them from unleashing their insanity on the unsuspecting public, and the all too suspecting police.

There are basically three types of crazy people that law enforcement officers deal with. Each type of lunatic requires a specific approach to dealing with them. This post will cover the three types, and the most effective method in dealing with each one.

The first and most benign type of lunatic is the friendly crazy person that just wants some company. In this line of work, you can never drop your guard, but this person probably isn’t going to hurt anyone. Typically they call the police with some sort of odd request. Something like they have a spider in their house, or someone is stealing the water from their ditch.

The most effective way to deal with this person is to listen to what they have to say. Nod your head understandingly. Do the best you can to keep that “WTF” look off your face. Assure them you’ll look in to their complaint, and do whatever you can (read: nothing). If you’re bored, and want to have a few laughs while simultaneously doing a good job of resolving their problems, string them along a bit. I know it sounds cruel, but it can be funny, and make them feel better. When they start telling you about the dream they had of the love of their life having sex with a porn star, ask questions. Questions like “who was the love of your life” or “who was the porn star.”

What you should not do is appear disinterested.You should avoid questions like “What are you, crazy?” and “Do I look like I give a fuck?” Most importantly, when they are recounting the dream about the love of their life getting banged by a porn star, and they get to the part about waking up “playing with themselves” don’t let them see you laughing.

The next type of crazy person is the incoherent rambler. This is the guy that is so far gone there is no reasoning with them. They will go from babbling gibberish to screaming wildly about nothing in the drop of a hat. You will usually come across them wandering aimlessly in traffic, or running through a neighborhood covered in their own shit. They are dangerous, but that is obvious. It is the obviousness of the threat they pose that makes them less dangerous than type number three which we will discuss in a moment.

There are only a few options in dealing with this person. If you can make contact with a concerned family member, hopefully they can come take this problem off your hands. If you can’t get in contact with a family member, you’re going to need a taser, and a water hose. It could also help if you can bring a food offering of some kind to your local correctional officers. They are not going to be happy with you.

Finally, you have the most dangerous crazy person. This is the crazy person that can seem normal but in a moments notice become agitated and start acting like Karl Childers on meth. Dealing with these fuckers is like putting a snake in your underwear, there just isn’t a safe way to do it. The only advice I can give, is be polite, have your head on a swivel, and do not hesitate to inflict blinding pain or death on this fucker if you have to. What you should never do is turn your back on Karl over there, or you might end up with a kaiser blade (some folks call it a slingblade, I call it a kaiser blade) embedded in your skull.

Feel free to print this handy dandy little guide and keep it in your unit for reference. It could save your life one day…or it could get you in trouble too if the brass is overly PC. On second thought, just commit it memory. Come back next time boys and girls where Uncle JumpOut will teach you all about strippers, and their role in law enforcement.

In Case You Didn’t Notice…

Posted in Linky Love with tags , on November 12, 2008 by JumpOut

I have a new humor post at Humor and Satire by Radioactive Liberty. I’m sure you all know by now that I write there once a week since you all came here from there. It’s okay, I know my place in the blogosphere.

Police Training and Blogging

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts with tags , , , on November 11, 2008 by JumpOut

Sorry I haven’t been writing much, lately. Work has sorta interfered with this important shit. I had to work late Saturday and Sunday, and I have been in training AAAAALLLLLL DDDDAAAAYYYY! Granted, it was fun training, but it was AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL DDDDDDDDAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!

I will get you some new law enforcement humor and political satire soon. For now, let me just tell you about my AAAAAALLLLLLL DDDDDDDDAAAAAAAYYYYYYY training.

It all started around 0730 hrs. with a pursuit driving refresher. There aren’t many things in this world more fun than taking a police interceptor crown vic and pushing it to it’s limits. Well, except maybe making fun of your coworkers as they have a hard time grasping the technique. You know, doing stuff like driving with two feet, steering with body english, and generally committing genocide against the orange plastic cone population.

See, the course is set up like this: A shit load of cones in a small parking lot. There is actually a course, but until you get it figured out, it looks like a sea of orange cones that were placed by an epileptic chihuahua. Some people have a really hard time figuring out where to go which prompts them to massacre the poor defenseless orange cones. This senseless act of violence then prompts responses from the instructors like, “The child you just killed was small, but he had a twin brother, so it’s alright” or “You know there are plenty of employment opportunities in the jail.” Good times all around.

That finished up around 1330 hrs. Then a brief break to go eat, and relax until 1800 hrs. when it was time for shooting in the dark. Shooting in the dark is always fun because it’s shooting, and it’s dark. While I shot a 93 out of 96, others were not so lucky. In every class there are always those old guys that were on the road 30 years ago or whatever, and that are now relegated to court room security, or some other less than law enforcement capacity because they are politically connected or whatever. Those cats are interesting. There’s nothing like the sparks of bullets ricocheting off cement in the dark. You know, the cement 4 yards in front of the target.

Finally, it was time for whoop ass. Tonight’s menu consisted of shrimp. Not the kind you eat, but the maneuver used to avoid being mounted while on your back causing carpet burns all across the small of your back. A very helpful tool to have, especially if the phrase “I don’t get down like that” doesn’t work. I’m not so sure it could protect you from an overly-amorous Royce Gracie, but it works on other cops. Then on to escaping from choke holds and headlocks. Basically, it was two hours of me and friends throwing each other on the floor repeatedly. What better way to say “I appreciate your friendship” than putting your buddy in a chokehold, and letting him slam you to floor.

It all ended around 2130 hrs. Needless to say, I’m tired, and sore. I’ll be going to bed soon. As soon as I stop rambling incoherently from fatigue. I like Corn Pops. Did you know if you sneak up on an armadillo, and kick it, it jumps about four feet in the air? This one time, I got a weedeater, a live chicken, a nine iron, and a naked woman and…*yawn*

Racism Markets Crash in Anticipation of Obama Presidency

Posted in Humor, Politics with tags , , , , , , on November 6, 2008 by JumpOut

On November 4, 2008, Barack Obama was elected President of the United States. November 6, 2008, the Racism Stock Market has crashed to record lows.

Businesses that profit from racism are reeling today with the election of Barack Obama. Drastic cut backs are closing the doors to branch offices of the Rainbow-Push Coalition, National Action Network, and the NAACP among others. Massive layoffs have left many race-pimps without jobs.

Quanel Shabazz Lamumbo, a community organizer with Blacks and Underprivileged Minorities (BUM) says that he’ll have to cut back on Christmas Spending this year with the Race Industry in the tank. “Man, we used to be able to tell whitey how his great-great-great grandparents owned slaves and he’d feel so bad he’d give us money. Now that whitey has elected a brotha for president, they ain’t buyin’ that bullshit no more.”

The Right Reverend Dr. Jesse Sharpton of the Black African-American Association (BAAA) claims that donations from black supporters are down as well. “Brothas feel like that since a black man is the president, they’ve reached the pinnacle. We can’t convince them that honkies are keeping them down. They are no longer willing to blindly support us.”

This slow-down in donations and racial division has prompted the Congressional Black Caucus to call for a bailout of the racism industry. In a speech on the floor of the US House of Representatives, Rep. Chaka Fattah (D, PA) said, “We cannot rescue Wall Street while Martin Luther King Blvd. suffers.”

Some Americans reject the bailout as a “continuation of flawed policies that have divided this country for too long.” There is a small group of Republicans in the House of Representatives that say they will fight the bailout package, but most experts believe they’ll either be guilted into supporting the bailout by being called racists, or bought off by pork-barrel projects included in whatever legislation is proposed.

This could be the worst racism economy since the market’s inception. Many fear it will only get worse before it gets better.

Barrack Obama: Of the People, By the People, For the People, Chapter 4

Posted in Barrack Obama Biography, Humor, Politics with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 5, 2008 by JumpOut

As teh Messiah spake, the crowds gathered. They gathered in great multitudes in the cities and towns to hear teh One speak of redemption. They chanted and prayed. They cheered and hugged. They performed fellatio on each other to congratulate themselves on the monumental accomplishment of ending white guilt.

At the appointed time, at the appointed place, Barrack stood before the cheering multitudes. He said, “Can we make Amerikkka a better nation?” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!” Obama said, “Can we hope for change?” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!” The Most Merciful One On High said, “Can we defeat the forces of evil, and unite the world?” The crowd chanted “YES WE CAN!” Teh Messiah said, “Do you want salvation from the sins of your ancestors?” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!” Barrack said, “I’ll tell you how!” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!”

As the crowd continued to chant, “YES WE CAN!” the evil honkey McCraker was brought out before the crowd. McCracker had been trying to seize power over Amerikka and was the only obstacle left to prevent teh Messiah’s ascendancy.

Teh Messiah said, “Can we get rid of this white devil?” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!” And with that, McCracker was tossed into the writhing, frenzied, crowd. McCracker then joined in, “YES WE CAN!”

Barrack then said, “Can you make me your leader?” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!” Barrack said, “Then I absolve you of the sins of your ancestors. Go forth and sin no more.” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!”

As the crowd continued to chant, “YES WE CAN!” Lord Obama gave a speech in celebration and acceptance of this monumental occasion. He said, “Amerikkka better have my money come rain sleet or snow. That bitch better have my money. Not some, not half, but all my cash. Because if she don’t, I’m gonna put my foot dead in her ass.”

The crowd chanted: “YES WE CAN

YES WE CAN

YES WE CAN

YES WE CAN!!!!1!1one!”

This has been part four of the Biography of Barrack Obama brought to you by ACORN, mind numbed sycophants, and Flyguy You can read the other chapters here.

The Barackolypse?

Posted in Linky Love with tags , , , , , on November 5, 2008 by JumpOut

Go forth to Conservative Political Humor and Satire by Radioactive Liberty and view the prophecy of what is to come.