Archive for February, 2009

Hippies Smell Like Crap…

Posted in Linky Love, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , on February 28, 2009 by JumpOut

…But apparently hippie crap has no smell. And people wonder why I think hippie eradication would solve 90% of the world’s problems.

Man The !%*# Up America!

Posted in Uncategorized on February 25, 2009 by ColdSoldier

  So I get an residential alarm first thing Monday morning, nothing unusual. My dispatcher tells me she has the home owner on the line, and naturally they’re frightened. Well, she didn’t exactly say that, but after you’ve answered a gozillion similar calls, you just know.

  Now let me give you a little background on this “dispatcher” she’s a very portly troll, who has a wonderful habit of always insisting on having the last word in radio transmissions (its really bad) even if shes dead wrong (which she normally is). If you ever watched the “Drew Carey Show”, shes a dead ringer for Mi Mi, Drew’s secretary, and same attitude.

  Anyway, in the 10 minutes it takes me to respond to this call, shes feeding me a massive amount of absolutely worthless information. First she tells my Sgt. that I’m going without backup,I really didn’t care plus, he knew that already anyway. Then she goes into letting me know everything the home owner is thinking or feeling, for a while, I keep responding “10-4” to all her worthless statements, thinking its probably a female caller on the line with her, and hearing my voice might bring her some comfort, finally I can stand it no more, and I quit responding.

  Finally I arrive, and advised “Mi Mi” that I’m 10-97, and to advise the home owner that we were outside. I see my Sgt. pulling up  behind me so I go to the front door, knowing that he is going to start checking the exterior of the residence. Now I swear on Audie Murphy’s grave, 20 seconds after telling  this troll I was outside  the residence,( and this wasn’t a mansion) I ring the doorbell, and she says “The home owner said somebody is ringing the doorbell, is that you 280?”.It took all the power I had to not say “no it wasn’t me, it must be that swarthy fellow wearing the black and white horizontal striped long sleeved shirt ,that has a lone ranger style mask on twisting his handlebar mustache and laughing diabolically…no you silly bitch it’s me”! But being the caring professional I am I just said “Yes dispatch, its me, tell the home owner to come to the door”

  Now I fully expected some old lady, or some scared female to come to the door. Instead when the lights come on and the door flings open I’m greeted to a dog busting though the door, which startles the hell out of me, and some soft looking nerd, holding a 12 gauge automatic, that I bet he didn’t know how to operate, and to top it off he’s shaking like a dog shitting a peach seed.

  About this time my Sgt. comes around to the front, and he immediately becomes unnerved when he sees the gun and then the guy’s demeanor. Usually the first thing I want to ask these grown men is “Why did you call me?”

 Well it had its benefits, he had a really hot wife, with a very short robe on( not sure exactly sure what she sees in him).

 In summary, this is what is wrong with this country. I never have claimed to be Robo Cop and Rambo wrapped into one, fact of the matter is I have been downright terrified by some situations that I’ve been in, in my life but I never let it paralyze me.Fear is good,  it keeps us alive, but when a man would rather sit, wetting his pants, in the same room as his wife, how does she respect him, and how does he respect himself? My wife told me one of the reasons she married me was that she always felt “safe” with me, that I would “protect” her, and she knew me long before I was a cop. I ‘ need a badge to make me a man, I was long before I got the badge, and it seems I am a dying breed. One of my more colorful come backs I’ve ever had in law enforcement, that I’m pretty proud of was, when I arrested some jackass on warrants and one of the many insults he hurled at me was “You’s a bad motherf’r with dat badge and that gun aint you?'” my reply was “No, I’m a bad motherf’r buck naked”

The Fiscal Responsibility Summit

Posted in News, Politics on February 23, 2009 by JumpOut

Isn’t President Obama hosting a fiscal responsibility summit at this point kind of like Jenna Jameson hosting an abstinence summit?

Buenos Noches Bitches

Posted in Uncategorized on February 23, 2009 by JumpOut

Yeah, I’m back, and it’s lights out for e-vil doers everywhere. Turns out my computer’s power supply crapped out on me. Let’s just say it’s good to be friends with the computer forensics guy. Those things aren’t hard to replace. If you have any tech savvy at all, you shouldn’t be afraid to change the thing out yourself. Anyhoo, I gotta go to work. There’s people need tasing out there.

Though I am The Sole Survivior…..

Posted in Uncategorized on February 15, 2009 by ColdSoldier

Well the end to that is “I will continue the mission” pretty sure thats out of the “Ranger Handbook” although I was military  I was never a ranger(engineer)and  I never claim to be what I’m not, besides I’ve done enough crazy shit in my life I’m cool with not having to generate false stuff.

  Jumpout is obviously having technical issues, which is pretty funny because he’s the computer wiz, and i can pretty much not operate it unless it generates a projectile or runs off of diesel (a product of my military days).

Also folks please excuse my occasional grammerical errors as i do this all “freehand”(i.e. no spell check and the like)

   Well me and jumpout had a very bad weekend due to bad manpower shortages’ and an extremely high level of devilment occuring, and my brain,and I’m sure his, is a little fried right now. I promise to have a somewhat interesting post tomorrow , although he has much more material than I.

  Need to run folks I have a 5 y.o. tugging at my leg that wants my time too.

Awww Nuts

Posted in Uncategorized on February 14, 2009 by JumpOut

My computer has crashed. I have no idea what’s wrong with it. I have no money to get it fixed, or to buy a new one right now. I am posting this from my phone, but it’s a huge pain in the ass. Bear with me while I sort out my technical difficulties. I am sure ColdSoldier can hold down the fort until I return.

Is It Just Me?………………….

Posted in Uncategorized on February 12, 2009 by ColdSoldier

 I really hate for my first post to be of  a controversial nature, but sometimes things just jump up and smack you between the eyes like a 2×4. Over the  past two weeks, in the course of my duties as a dedicated law enforcement  professional, something has not seemed right, nothing I could put my finger on, but something I’ll refer to as a “great disturbance in the force”. Finally on Tuesday the revelation came like the 2×4. I had personally handled 11 calls, nothing out of the ordinary, but the first thing that struck me was most of the calls were what we call absolute b.s. not even worthy of  becoming public record, let along qualify as a crime. The second was that 10 of my complainants were of African descent.

Now stay with me here folks before you label me a racist….on second thought, I dont give a shit what you think of me, I know my own heart and don’t feel compelled to “prove myself” to any man. I will not patronize you the obligatory “I have black friends”, I have friends of all colors and nationalities. I am however prejudice, and if you think that equates to racism, read a dictonary you freaking liberal hippie, IT KEEPS ME ALIVE! If  you insist I hate a particular group, I’m afraid you are right, I hate ignorant people, regardless of what color it manifests itself in.

  That being said, ignorance does seem to manifest itself in one color far more than others, per capita.It seems that since America in its infinite wisdom has chosen to put Barry into office (sorry folks i refuse to call a kenyan communist “President”) this ignorance will run unabated.

Getting back to the disproportionate number of calls coming from the black community, keep in mind the racial makeup of my patrol area is roughly 90% white and 10% black. Sorry,I did forget the Hispanics in this estimate ,but as a whole , illegal or not, they tend to work hard and solve their own problems(a lesson both white and black can learn a lesson from). Why the sudden switch? I have a theory. Wanna hear it? Here it go. The quiet since of entitlement that has been prevalent in this community for years, and pandored to by whites, has now become a loud demand.

  I do blame white people for this, either for their own ignorance, white guilt, whatever, they are responsible for putting an “empty suit” in the highest office in the United States. This man’s main problem, is the same problem the people who put him into office freaking life experience! Can anyone name me one job( outside of politics) that this man has ever had? One business he has ever operated? Anyone? With this type of work ethic, who can we expect to benefit from his presidency?

  If I have pissed you off in any way, I have accomplished my mission.

For Your Viewing Pleasure

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, Stupid Criminals, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , , , on February 10, 2009 by JumpOut

Here’s a little something to keep you entertained while I’m working to keep the streets safe. It’s a video of who I can only imagine is Eric Cartman after years of struggling with his meth habit doing something stupid. Check it out.

‘Cuse Me Wile I Wip Dis Out

Posted in Uncategorized on February 9, 2009 by ColdSoldier

Ok F>Y>I> I’m just computer illiterate, not illiterate in general (hopefully the 4th times a charm). We’ll see if this goes through and then I promise more antic’s will ensue.

Why Hippies Suck More Now Than They Did in the Sixties

Posted in Humor, Stupid Hippies with tags , , on February 6, 2009 by JumpOut

We all know that hippies suck. They don’t bathe, they make public places inaccessible with their incessant public whining about the cause du jour, and they make crappy music. Hippies have sucked since the first one was born from the unholy mating of a beatnik and a communist.

Early hippies promoted a bunch of drug-addled, idiotic silliness. Retarded crap like they shouldn’t have to suffer the consequences of bad decisions, peace at all costs, and the idea that it is okay for ugly people to have sex. As much as I hate to admit it, they did have one positive trait. They questioned the accepted social norms of their time.

Through the evolutionary process, modern hippies have retained the same drug-addled, idiotic ideas, but they’ve lost their one desirable quality. You can find evidence of this in any debate that involves hippies. Places such as the global warming cooling climate change debate, anti-war rallies, and just politics in general.

I have yet to meet a hippie that can tell me exactly what the ideal temperature of the Earth is, but there is no shortage of hippies that believe we are killing the Earth. I have yet to meet a hippie that doesn’t feel repressed, but there is no shortage of hippies that will try to shut down your business if you do something they disagree with. I have yet to meet a hippie that enjoys being tasered, but there is no shortage of hippies that need a tasering. That last one really has nothing to do with this discussion, but we can’t talk about hippies without tasers involved.

Some of the hippie idiocy has become “mainstream”. Hippies follow those ideals without question. If you disagree with their foolishness, they shout you down, craft the Fairness Doctrine, and do whatever nastiness they see fit to keep you from voicing your opinion. They throw hippie tantrums like children who do not want to eat their brussels sprouts.

Hippies have become that which the early hippies fought against. They have become a caricature of their former selves. They are living, breathing, walking, talking pieces of satire. To fix this problem, we need to go to a rain forest, cut it down, make a ton wooden spikes, and start impaling hippies. I know it won’t solve anything, but it should be pretty fun.