Man The !%*# Up America!

  So I get an residential alarm first thing Monday morning, nothing unusual. My dispatcher tells me she has the home owner on the line, and naturally they’re frightened. Well, she didn’t exactly say that, but after you’ve answered a gozillion similar calls, you just know.

  Now let me give you a little background on this “dispatcher” she’s a very portly troll, who has a wonderful habit of always insisting on having the last word in radio transmissions (its really bad) even if shes dead wrong (which she normally is). If you ever watched the “Drew Carey Show”, shes a dead ringer for Mi Mi, Drew’s secretary, and same attitude.

  Anyway, in the 10 minutes it takes me to respond to this call, shes feeding me a massive amount of absolutely worthless information. First she tells my Sgt. that I’m going without backup,I really didn’t care plus, he knew that already anyway. Then she goes into letting me know everything the home owner is thinking or feeling, for a while, I keep responding “10-4” to all her worthless statements, thinking its probably a female caller on the line with her, and hearing my voice might bring her some comfort, finally I can stand it no more, and I quit responding.

  Finally I arrive, and advised “Mi Mi” that I’m 10-97, and to advise the home owner that we were outside. I see my Sgt. pulling up  behind me so I go to the front door, knowing that he is going to start checking the exterior of the residence. Now I swear on Audie Murphy’s grave, 20 seconds after telling  this troll I was outside  the residence,( and this wasn’t a mansion) I ring the doorbell, and she says “The home owner said somebody is ringing the doorbell, is that you 280?”.It took all the power I had to not say “no it wasn’t me, it must be that swarthy fellow wearing the black and white horizontal striped long sleeved shirt ,that has a lone ranger style mask on twisting his handlebar mustache and laughing diabolically…no you silly bitch it’s me”! But being the caring professional I am I just said “Yes dispatch, its me, tell the home owner to come to the door”

  Now I fully expected some old lady, or some scared female to come to the door. Instead when the lights come on and the door flings open I’m greeted to a dog busting though the door, which startles the hell out of me, and some soft looking nerd, holding a 12 gauge automatic, that I bet he didn’t know how to operate, and to top it off he’s shaking like a dog shitting a peach seed.

  About this time my Sgt. comes around to the front, and he immediately becomes unnerved when he sees the gun and then the guy’s demeanor. Usually the first thing I want to ask these grown men is “Why did you call me?”

 Well it had its benefits, he had a really hot wife, with a very short robe on( not sure exactly sure what she sees in him).

 In summary, this is what is wrong with this country. I never have claimed to be Robo Cop and Rambo wrapped into one, fact of the matter is I have been downright terrified by some situations that I’ve been in, in my life but I never let it paralyze me.Fear is good,  it keeps us alive, but when a man would rather sit, wetting his pants, in the same room as his wife, how does she respect him, and how does he respect himself? My wife told me one of the reasons she married me was that she always felt “safe” with me, that I would “protect” her, and she knew me long before I was a cop. I ‘ need a badge to make me a man, I was long before I got the badge, and it seems I am a dying breed. One of my more colorful come backs I’ve ever had in law enforcement, that I’m pretty proud of was, when I arrested some jackass on warrants and one of the many insults he hurled at me was “You’s a bad motherf’r with dat badge and that gun aint you?'” my reply was “No, I’m a bad motherf’r buck naked”


13 Responses to “Man The !%*# Up America!”

  1. ColdSoldier Says:

    sorry for the mistake the correct statement was “I dont need a badge to make me a man”…no friodian slip there biches!

  2. A shotgun and a dog and he was scared, What is the male (err soft nerd) in America coming to?

    Welcome to the blog world where every slip of the keyboard is viewed by hundreds, I am an expert at leaving out important words and letters.

  3. Or, my favorite 280ism, a punk in a man suit.

  4. I hope to God he had his finger OFF the trigger, if he was shaking that bad.
    As for the dispatcher, you must have a whole lot of patience. Yet another reason I prefer working by myself.

  5. Found you via FIAR (Radioactive Liberty).

    Just wanted to say I enjoyed reading. Good stuff, and very funny.

  6. Best comeback! 🙂 A gun, a dog, and the cops on the way…soft nerd might be too nice a description.

  7. tazer proof Says:

    Strange I’ve always got a warm fuzzy feeling with a handfull of 1911. Picked me up a shorty 12 double too, what with the AWB thing going down. Looking at the news I might go ahead and swing for a regular
    Semi auto “collectors piece” now.
    Believe I woulda told the dispacher I was armed before I let you feel
    surprized. Just seems like the polite way to do things. Of course from what youve said maybe that wasnt important to her.

  8. tazer proof Says:

    Interested in educatin your children scope this before you send em just anywhere.
    Even not you’ll be amazed at what is being called an education nowadays.
    If you dont find it interesting “Taze me bro”


    Also, the overwhelming response to the Documentary
    Channel’s previous airings of “Indoctrinate U” encouraged
    them to bring back the film for a second run. The film will
    be shown several times in March:

    Tuesday, March 17th @ 9:00PM
    Wednesday, March 18th @ midnight
    Wednesday, March 25th @ 5:00PM
    Monday, March 30th @ 2:00AM

    The Documentary Channel is available on the Dish Network as well as
    on some cable carriers.

    In addition, some PBS stations simulcast the Documentary Channel
    during certain parts of the day. If you don’t get the Documentary
    Channel itself, you still may want to check the times above against
    your local PBS affiliate’s schedule.

  9. Reminds me of the story Husband tells of when he was arresting a guy outside the “Rez” and this huge 6’5, 350 pound Native American asks him “Who’s gonna arrest me dude? You?” (Husband is 5’8, 165) Husband said that inside he was thinking “Shit… his hand is as big as my head” but he stared at the guy and said “Don’t make me embarrass you in front of these ladies”.

    Three beats later the guy meekly turned around for cuffing.

    I’ll have to tell him the “bad ass buck naked” line. 🙂

  10. I once heard an open door call air in another area. The homeowners were husband and wife ATF agents and they were waiting for us to come clear their house for them. Armed agents. WTF???

    You’re right on, people are completely unable to solve their problems.

  11. cold soldier Says:

    roanoke cop….one better for you my brother, had a U.S marshall call me last week cause two guys selling cleaning supplies knocked on his door. he didnt answer cause they looked “questionable”.just gives me hope the “feds”are weak when the revolution starts

  12. LowCountryCrime Says:

    Great comeback. I love it when someone I’m dealing with calls me an “asshole.” My comeback? “I’ve been practicing for years. Thanks for noticing!” 🙂

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: