Man The !%*# Up America!

  So I get an residential alarm first thing Monday morning, nothing unusual. My dispatcher tells me she has the home owner on the line, and naturally they’re frightened. Well, she didn’t exactly say that, but after you’ve answered a gozillion similar calls, you just know.

  Now let me give you a little background on this “dispatcher” she’s a very portly troll, who has a wonderful habit of always insisting on having the last word in radio transmissions (its really bad) even if shes dead wrong (which she normally is). If you ever watched the “Drew Carey Show”, shes a dead ringer for Mi Mi, Drew’s secretary, and same attitude.

  Anyway, in the 10 minutes it takes me to respond to this call, shes feeding me a massive amount of absolutely worthless information. First she tells my Sgt. that I’m going without backup,I really didn’t care plus, he knew that already anyway. Then she goes into letting me know everything the home owner is thinking or feeling, for a while, I keep responding “10-4” to all her worthless statements, thinking its probably a female caller on the line with her, and hearing my voice might bring her some comfort, finally I can stand it no more, and I quit responding.

  Finally I arrive, and advised “Mi Mi” that I’m 10-97, and to advise the home owner that we were outside. I see my Sgt. pulling up  behind me so I go to the front door, knowing that he is going to start checking the exterior of the residence. Now I swear on Audie Murphy’s grave, 20 seconds after telling  this troll I was outside  the residence,( and this wasn’t a mansion) I ring the doorbell, and she says “The home owner said somebody is ringing the doorbell, is that you 280?”.It took all the power I had to not say “no it wasn’t me, it must be that swarthy fellow wearing the black and white horizontal striped long sleeved shirt ,that has a lone ranger style mask on twisting his handlebar mustache and laughing diabolically…no you silly bitch it’s me”! But being the caring professional I am I just said “Yes dispatch, its me, tell the home owner to come to the door”

  Now I fully expected some old lady, or some scared female to come to the door. Instead when the lights come on and the door flings open I’m greeted to a dog busting though the door, which startles the hell out of me, and some soft looking nerd, holding a 12 gauge automatic, that I bet he didn’t know how to operate, and to top it off he’s shaking like a dog shitting a peach seed.

  About this time my Sgt. comes around to the front, and he immediately becomes unnerved when he sees the gun and then the guy’s demeanor. Usually the first thing I want to ask these grown men is “Why did you call me?”

 Well it had its benefits, he had a really hot wife, with a very short robe on( not sure exactly sure what she sees in him).

 In summary, this is what is wrong with this country. I never have claimed to be Robo Cop and Rambo wrapped into one, fact of the matter is I have been downright terrified by some situations that I’ve been in, in my life but I never let it paralyze me.Fear is good,  it keeps us alive, but when a man would rather sit, wetting his pants, in the same room as his wife, how does she respect him, and how does he respect himself? My wife told me one of the reasons she married me was that she always felt “safe” with me, that I would “protect” her, and she knew me long before I was a cop. I ‘ need a badge to make me a man, I was long before I got the badge, and it seems I am a dying breed. One of my more colorful come backs I’ve ever had in law enforcement, that I’m pretty proud of was, when I arrested some jackass on warrants and one of the many insults he hurled at me was “You’s a bad motherf’r with dat badge and that gun aint you?'” my reply was “No, I’m a bad motherf’r buck naked”