Why Hippies Suck More Now Than They Did in the Sixties

We all know that hippies suck. They don’t bathe, they make public places inaccessible with their incessant public whining about the cause du jour, and they make crappy music. Hippies have sucked since the first one was born from the unholy mating of a beatnik and a communist.

Early hippies promoted a bunch of drug-addled, idiotic silliness. Retarded crap like they shouldn’t have to suffer the consequences of bad decisions, peace at all costs, and the idea that it is okay for ugly people to have sex. As much as I hate to admit it, they did have one positive trait. They questioned the accepted social norms of their time.

Through the evolutionary process, modern hippies have retained the same drug-addled, idiotic ideas, but they’ve lost their one desirable quality. You can find evidence of this in any debate that involves hippies. Places such as the global warming cooling climate change debate, anti-war rallies, and just politics in general.

I have yet to meet a hippie that can tell me exactly what the ideal temperature of the Earth is, but there is no shortage of hippies that believe we are killing the Earth. I have yet to meet a hippie that doesn’t feel repressed, but there is no shortage of hippies that will try to shut down your business if you do something they disagree with. I have yet to meet a hippie that enjoys being tasered, but there is no shortage of hippies that need a tasering. That last one really has nothing to do with this discussion, but we can’t talk about hippies without tasers involved.

Some of the hippie idiocy has become “mainstream”. Hippies follow those ideals without question. If you disagree with their foolishness, they shout you down, craft the Fairness Doctrine, and do whatever nastiness they see fit to keep you from voicing your opinion. They throw hippie tantrums like children who do not want to eat their brussels sprouts.

Hippies have become that which the early hippies fought against. They have become a caricature of their former selves. They are living, breathing, walking, talking pieces of satire. To fix this problem, we need to go to a rain forest, cut it down, make a ton wooden spikes, and start impaling hippies. I know it won’t solve anything, but it should be pretty fun.

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12 Responses to “Why Hippies Suck More Now Than They Did in the Sixties”

  1. Hand me the spikes, I’ll be glad to lead the way 🙂

  2. I think that is the best way that could be said. 🙂

  3. USA_Admiral Says:

    That had better be one hell of a rain forest! Hippies are thick as thieves anymore.

  4. I’m sure they are patiently waiting for the Ones, domestic give away programs to take effect,so they can continue to live off our tax money.Hate to use up good timber on those stakes,maybe we could sharpen those 20ft Chinese made PVC pipes,they would bend in the wind,making a kind of artistic statement,which they all love so well.

  5. I used to be one of those early hippies…
    I have since seen the error of my ways…
    I am now a proud Reagan Conservative.

  6. Husband calls me a hippie, but I think it’s just because I wear braids, have a nose ring and want backyard chickens.

    But other than that, I’m a gun-lovin, former Marine, anti-drug chick like the rest of ya.

  7. Dude, did you just call me a chick? That’s messed up.

  8. I suppose. But you called me a Dude, so aren’t we even?
    No offense intended – or at you just mad ’cause I’m a hippie 😉

  9. Having worked with… No, scratch that. Having worked around lazy ass, stupid, dirty, dreadlocked, new age hippies, I fully understand what you’re saying. These people have none of the convictions of their predecessors.

    They’re parrots. The only thing that comes out of their mouths filled with unbrushed teeth, is what they’ve heard from someone spouting what they heard from someone….

    Ask any question about what they believe and you get one of two responses -a blank stare or a litany of why you’re a hater.

    Leave the poor trees alone, they don’t deserve that. Plant a hippie.

  10. Here’s the question that will determine whether you are a hippie or not, Meadowlark. Do you feel like people shouldn’t judge you because of your braids, body-piercings, and backyard chickens? If so, you are a damn dirty hippie, and should de-hippify yourself forthwith. If you have valid reasons for the aforementioned traits, but understand that you may not be able to get a job because of your body-piercings and braids, but you do it anyway because it’s who you are, you’re a conservative damn dirty hippie. 😛

  11. LOL. Well, I don’t HAVE backyard chickens, but mark my words, as the economy continues to tank, more and more people will decide that the industrial food system isn’t doing a good job and will start to garden again. Remember, I’m a farm girl. I grew up on 12,000 acres and I miss it!!

    The braids? Why would someone judge a women for wearing braids? Except the Husband of course, but it’s just a hairstyle. Like now all the men are doing the “shaved head” thing rather than admitting they’re losing their hair 🙂

    Surprisingly, having a stud and a tiny hoop hasn’t affected my job opportunities. And even more surprising, I didn’t get one single weird look at the SHOT show last month. (there for work) A lot of it depends upon how you carry yourself and dress.

    Besides, I was a Marine. Everybody knows Marines never become true hippies, dirty or otherwise.

    Now, “peace out”. LOL

  12. Gwen Penner Says:

    Truly Hilarious! I love this kind of idiocy. It speaks volumes. You should write for SouthPark. You could really do a Great Cartman. Bravo. You are my new hero.

    Gwen Penner, Winnipeg ,Manitoba, Canabis (Canada)

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