Archive for the Stupid Criminals Category

Naked Dude Gets The Crap Tased Out Of Him

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, Stupid Criminals, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , , , , on May 2, 2009 by JumpOut

I know, it’s a link to the Huffington Post. I despise HuffPo with every fiber of being, and would not willingly direct any of my readers to that den of asshattery. However, these are special circumstances. This video is too great not send you to it. I don’t know what else to do.

Now, in preparing to view this gem you need to keep in mind two things. First this video is not safe for work. Second, Jealous? Jealous of what?

So click here to view the video. Don’t venture too far away from the video, or you may get covered in batshit, and squirrel turds.

Let this be a lesson to you boys, and girls, when the friendly police man is asking you politely to do something, it’s not a good idea to say “I don’t have to!” Because, actually, you do have to. And you will, one way or the other.

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Taser XREP

Posted in law enforcement, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , , on May 2, 2009 by JumpOut

I know the Taser XREP isn’t exactly new. I just think it would be a crime for anyone not to know about this wonderfully gruesome little device. If you’re bored (and if you’re reading this on Saturday, I know you are) watch the following promo from Taser. This thing just amazes me.

Can you imagine riding the lightening for 20 seconds? This thing is amazing, twisted, exceptionally useful, and sadistic all at the same time.

So You Want to be the Police: What You Can Learn From My Latest Seven Day Work Week

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, So You Want to be the Police, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , , , , , , on April 27, 2009 by JumpOut

And other fun facts

So, you want to be the police, huh? Let me give you some insight into what you will face if you decide to get behind the badge. I just worked a seven day work week. It’s not the first and won’t be the last. This one was by choice. I volunteered to work a warrant round-up on my days off for time and a half. After all, they pay me like a policeman. After working this seven day work week, and listening to mostly talk radio during the day, I have come to a startling conclusion. According to the Barack Obama administration, working for seven straight twelve hour days is a form of torture.

The English philosopher Herbert Spencer said, “The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.” With every passing day that I work, I am more convinced that the human race has defeated natural selection. The majority of my time at work is spent shielding men from the effects of folly. As the years have passed, I have watched as juvenile delinquents have grown to convicted felons, and begin to raise their very own future convicted felons. In years past these people would have been hanged in the town square for rustling cattle or something. The gene pool needs an enema. Maybe swine flu will help me out with that.

Once you reach a certain level of crazy, we should be able to put you down like a rabid dog. Once you exhibit symptoms of being a dangerous crazy person, the responding officers should be able to just end it, right there, for the sake of the community. I’m sure you’re wondering who would make the determination of what is “too crazy”? Well, that’s easy. Me, of course. I would be good at that job.

I spent some time working with some guys from the United States Marshall’s Service. I let one of them borrow my pen, and I never got it back. Let this be a lesson to you. Every time you let the Federal government borrow one of your freedoms for the sake of safety, it will end up wherever my pen is.

Quit Being Such a Pussy About Tasers

Posted in Humor, Stupid Criminals, Stupid Hippies with tags , , on March 11, 2009 by JumpOut

What the hell is going on with people these days? Not you people, my readers are filled with kickassery, but there are some whiney ass people tear assing around the country just trying to force their pussification on everyone.

Did you know there is actually a group called The Coalition to Control Tasers? I guess there have been Tasers roaming the countryside attacking unsuspecting citizens. I don’t know about you, but my taser is pretty well controlled. I guess it’s possible when I go to bed my taser sneaks out of the house and tases old grannies and small children while I sleep. I wonder how many members of this coalition have been tased. I wonder how many of them have bathed in the last week?

God forbid some some two-bit crackhead has to ride the lightening. God forbid law enforcement has a relatively safe and effective tool with which to enforce the law. I’m sorry, but if some tweaker with a heart condition gets hopped up on meth, and dies after being tased, I don’t give a rat’s ass. As far as I know, there aren’t cops picking people at random and tasing them for no reason.

I’m sure most of the people that get tased will tell you they were sitting under a shade tree, reading their bible, and contemplating the nature of charity. I got news for you; that ain’t true. That’s just like the guy that calls the police about getting beat up by four black guys for no reason. That just doesn’t happen all that often.

Another thing these anti-taser hippies whine about is when granny gets tased. They act like there is no possible justification for tasing an elderly woman. Have you ever dealt with a cantankerous old woman suffering from dementia? Yes, old people commit crimes for which they need to be arrested. Old people also get committed to the nervous hospital because they flip their lid. Yes, old people resist arrest, and they don’t particularly like the tapioca at the nervous hospital. Would you prefer that I slam old blue haired granny on the pavement and break her hip, or do you think that just maybe granny would rather be in immense pain for five seconds than having to be confined to a wheel chair for the short while she has left on the planet?

Why does anybody listen to these damned granola eating, whiney ass hippies? Have we come to a point as a nation that anytime the babies cry, we give them their pacifier? Let the little assholes cry themselves to sleep. Maybe they’ll wake up in a better mood, and stop throwing their tantrums.

Just because I can’t watch this one enough.

For Your Viewing Pleasure

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, Stupid Criminals, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , , , on February 10, 2009 by JumpOut

Here’s a little something to keep you entertained while I’m working to keep the streets safe. It’s a video of who I can only imagine is Eric Cartman after years of struggling with his meth habit doing something stupid. Check it out.

My First Racist Barack Obama Comment

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , , , on February 2, 2009 by JumpOut

I’m really surprised it took this long. I expected it much sooner. I guess my line of work makes you lose faith in humanity. Fortunately, it always strengthens your faith in stupidity.

So there we are on a complaint in one of the poorest, shittiest parts of our jurisdiction. We just dealt with a woman screeching about being hit in the eye, and her friend being kidnapped. The woman’s mother pushing the limits of how aggravating one can be before being tasered and taken to jail. And we tracked down the alleged perpetrator and his “kidnapped” girlfriend. After interviewing all involved, and determining that the complaint was utter bullshit (I was so shocked that someone would lie to me) the alleged suspect who has since been cleared of all wrong doing tells us, “Da President black, we don’t need y’all back here no moe!”

You know, I am so relieved. I hated going back there anyway. I will miss all the roach infested, barely standing trailers, and shotgun houses, though. And the looks from the independent entrepreneurs plying their wares on the street corners. I’ll also miss the dumbfounded looks of the yard dogs that probably haven’t seen a Caucasian in their lives. I swear, it’s like they’re looking at a leprechaun. They don’t bark, growl, nothing. They just stare at you like you’re some alien life form.

One thing I have yet to figure out is whether this up and coming community organizer was speaking for the entire African American community, or just the ones that live in that area. Regardless, I’m here to help, even though apparently some of you no longer need the assistance of law enforcement professionals.

The next time your babydaddy kicks your ass, call Barack Obama. The next time your 28 inch rims get stolen, call Barack Obama. The next time your baby boy ODs on heroin, call Barack Obama. The next time a sixteen year old gangbanger is laying dead in the street, call Barack Obama. The next time an infant catches a stray bullet from the gunfire of rival drug dealers, call Barack Obama. He’ll make it all better.

Innocent Child Railroaded by St. Petersburg Police

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , on January 28, 2009 by JumpOut

According to The Suncoast News a poor, mild-mannered, urban youth has been railroaded by the St. Petersburg Police Department.

According to accounts, there has been a rash of convenience store robberies, many ending in shootings, in the St. Pete area. Two undercover detectives observed three young, urbanites minding their own business. It was obvious they were minding their own business due to the the mask and red bandanna two of them were wearing to cover their faces. It’s obvious they were going to a masquerade ball.

The three young men stashed their bikes in an alley across from an Exxon. One of the masquerade party goers stayed behind with the bicycles while the other two entered the Exxon. The clerk, alarmed by the masquerade masks, threw money and a porn DVD at the party goers. This startled the masked revelers, so they picked up the money and DVD and ran out of the store.

At this point, one of the undercover detectives, apparently dressed up as a vampire, grabbed one of the revelers, and possibly uttered “Boo!” One of the masked party goers opened fire on the frightening undercover detective. The detective was hit four times, and is in critical but stable condition. None of his injuries appear to be life threatening.

The young man, James Seay, accused of shooting the detective, whose name will not be released due to the undercoverishness of his work, is, according to his upstanding family members, a good boy who would never do anything like this.

The family of Mr. Seay say the police were wrong. They believe the police are lying, and that James had nothing to do with the incident. They blame the police for not stopping the boys before they entered the store. One family member was overheard to say, “Where is Chief John Anderton when you need him?” They apparently also blame Tom Cruise.

James’ uncle, Rev. Darryl Seay, says James wasn’t raised like that, and that it’s as much the cops fault as it is James’. Rev. Seay also believes James is being verbally and physically abused right now by the police while he’s in jail without bond. He’s right obviously, because he’s a reverend. He’s also an ex-convict, but he apparently found God, so he’s straight. Besides, there is no possible way James could have been raised to be a criminal. Especially since his uncle, his father, and his brother have all done time, and they know that crime doesn’t pay.

The family also said the James was close discovering a procedure for cold fusion, and designs for a combustion engine that works on sunshine and lollipops. He’ll now never achieve his goals of ending the fighting in the Middle East, and ending world hunger.