Of Hippies and Tasers

Hippies Don’t React Well to Tasers...Nor Should They

Being devoted to law enforcement humor, I often search the interwebs for humorous stories involving law enforcement. One fount of endless material is the taser. There aren’t many things funnier than watching a stupid hippie get tased. Who doesn’t enjoy that? While that may seem a rhetorical question, it isn’t. Apparently hippies don’t like when hippies get tased.

This comes as an utter shock to me. When we law enforcement officers roam the countryside looking for random hippies to tase, it never once occurred to me that there were some people that didn’t find getting tased funny. Take the “Don’t Tase Me Bro!” guy for example. You can’t tell me he didn’t know that he was providing serious comedy material. He played his part perfectly. From the incoherent public ramblings to the actively resisting police, right down to the screaming like a bitch as the taser is deployed, that was comedy gold.

Now hippies like Amnesty International say that police officers repeatedly tase people after they’ve been completely immobilized. This is utter hogwash. Everybody knows that multiple taserings are some of the funniest around. My favorite tasing video, “multiple-taser drunk” guy, is one of the funniest videos ever. This guy obviously didn’t mind getting tased. Why else would he get hit five times by the taser? Still, stupid hippies are trying to stop the police from using tasers.

Why would hippies want to take this effective, and immensely funny tool away from police officers? Well, hippies are evil, and don’t want you to laugh. Don’t believe me? Read the essay I linked in the sub-head. In that essay, a stupid hippie tries to use taser deaths as an indictment of Club G’itmo, the tv show 24, and the George W. Bush Administration. While such an essay may prove to be funny if it were satire, this essay was not satire at all; therefore, it’s not funny at all. Come to think of it, I wish I would have come up with the idea first. That would have been Frankj level comedy genius.

If you love law enforcement and comedy, you should do all in your power to stop the stupid hippies from taking away the taser. First, it’s the taser, then they’ll want to outlaw all forms of schadenfreude. The next thing you’ll know is the only comedy you’ll be allowed to see will be reruns of Dharma and Greg and Saturday Night Live. It’s a slippery slope people. Do you want your world to be devoid of taser humor?

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9 Responses to “Of Hippies and Tasers”

  1. A day without a Tasering is like a day without sunshine.

  2. Amen, Lt., Amen.

  3. Long live the taser and the cops who use them!

    Once question Prof. Officer Jump- do hippies still smell bad and have hairy thighs?

  4. While traditionalist hippies still stink, and have hairy thighs, many hippies have in recent years become more stealthy. They bath and cut their hair, and try to fit in better. Hippies like Barack Obama, for instance, who Joe Biden called clean. Generally, clean and hippie were once mutually exclusive, but recently hippies try to hide their hippieness.

  5. Senses another manual……….. The “How to tell if it’s a Hippy” manual
    As for taking away tasers, that’s just wrong. They could even make a music video out of those tasings. Add some of that gawd awful hip-hop dance music and call it the Taser Dance 😀

  6. I like easilylost’s idea.

    You could break into showbiz making Taser Dance movies Jump.

  7. Id love to see a youtube “greatest zaps” compilation of tazer deployments. Id bet it would be a riot.

  8. […] is only one logical explanation. Canada is full of stupid hippies. Stupid hippies are the only people that hate tasers this much. Why? Because tasers always ruin […]

  9. Re: ”
    Unneccessary Taser Use at Antiwar Demonstration”

    What kind of F#cking retard brings small children to a protest. I have sympathy for the children, not because they got pepper sprayed, but because they have worthless idiots for parents. It did not appear to be a peaceful demonstration to me. They looked like they were moments away from inciting a violent riot, and the police quickly contained the situation and prevented anyone, or any property from sustaining serious damage.

    Bravo to law enforcement for measured and restrained use of force.

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