Archive for April, 2009

So You Want to be the Police: You’ll See Dead People

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, So You Want to be the Police with tags , , , , on April 30, 2009 by JumpOut

In this line of work, it is inevitable that you will see dead bodies. You’ll see old people that died in their sleep. Young people cut down in the prime of their lives. Freak accidents, and deaths that can’t be immediately explained.

Though I am a seasoned law enforcement officer, the sight of a dead body always affects me. I’m not so cynical that I have become totally numb to the loss of human life. Every single time I see a dead body, it makes me question things that I wouldn’t otherwise take the time to think about.

One of the first questions that always pops into my head when viewing a dead body is what the fuck is that smell? No, seriously, what the fuck is that smell. Is that the dead dude I’m smelling, or that bowl of tuna fish sitting on the counter? Maybe it’s that mangy Pomeranian in the kennel in the bathroom. Whatever it is, it stinks.

One of the things that I mull over at suicide scenes is, what the fuck did I just step in? Was that dog shit? It was kind of squishy, I hope it wasn’t a hunk of brain. That question usually leads to, is there a water hose around here? I don’t want to track whatever that was into my unit.

Another one of the mysteries of life that I’ll ponder at a death scene is whether or not the rookie is gonna puke. He is a little wide eyed and pale. Maybe he already puked, and was smooth enough to keep everyone from seeing. Maybe that’s what I’m smelling. Maybe that’s what I stepped in.

Sometimes I’ll share my profound questions with some of my co-workers. Sometimes the questions are just too poignant to keep to myself. Sometimes I’ll enlist my co-workers’ insight to solve one of these mysteries. Especially when the question is where are we going to eat lunch when we leave here? I’m starving, and I don’t give a shit if that rookie lost his appetite. He needs to learn to suck it up.

Probably the most important question that hits me is how much longer are those damned detectives going to keep me out here? Do they really need to keep me out here with my thumb up my ass while they poke this guy’s entrails with a stick? I need to go wash off my boots, and I’m still freakin’ starving.


Law Enforcement Facts: Suicide

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, Law Enforcement Facts with tags , , , , on April 28, 2009 by JumpOut

Suicide is a stupid, selfish thing to do. It’s been said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I would not suggest that you try it. If you did try it, I would think you were stupid and selfish, and you will likely go to Hell. With that being said…

Suicide isn’t complicated. All you have to do is perform an act that is guaranteed to kill you. Large amounts of poisons work well. So does the liberal application of bullets to your head. Hanging will get the job done. Dousing yourself with gasoline, and setting yourself on fire will do the trick as well. If you are attempting suicide, you are a failure at life. If you fail at suicide, you are a failure at death. If you fail at suicide, you have pulled a fail of epic proportions.

If you’re going to commit suicide, just do it. There is no need to let anyone know. You telling the police that you are going to kill yourself will pretty much cause you to keep living. For instance, don’t take one handful of pills, call the police and tell them you are going to take another handful of pills. There is no reason for us to know. There is nothing criminal about wanting to commit suicide.

If you’re going to kill yourself, for Pete’s sake, leave a frikkin note! If you leave a note, we’ll show up, see your dead body, read the note, and say, “Hey, this fool committed suicide!” That’s a wrap. If you don’t leave a note, we’ll show up, see your dead body hanging by a noose from the ceiling fan, and say, “Hey, this fool committed suicide!” Then your family will show up. They will be convinced that you were murdered because you bound your own hands before hanging yourself, and pester the detectives to continue investigating this case. You were a pain in the ass in life, and now you are continuing to be a pain in the ass after you’re dead. Why would you want to cause us all this aggravation?

When you write your note, make it short, and to the point. Five hundred words or less should do the trick. Also, spare us the hurting your family routine. You know what I mean? All this melodrama about how your parents forced you to do this, and your parents are murderers is just asinine. If they were really that bad as parents, they don’t care. If they weren’t as bad as you thought prior to assuming room temperature, you’ve hurt them enough already. Nothing you can say will make it worse. They will already think it is their fault and that they did something wrong because it’s the way parents think. Besides, I don’t want to read all that emotional bullshit.

Finally, what kind of loser commits suicide behind a member of the opposite sex? I always have a hard time wrapping my head around that one. Think about this for just a moment. These fools say, “He/She cheated on me! I’ll show them! I’ll kill myself!” If they were cheating, they don’t care that much. Seriously, there are lots of women/men out there. Not many that will sleep with a codependent, emotional wreck devoid of self-esteem such as yourself, but more are out there. I’ve seen them. Usually when I’ve shown up a residence where someone called the police to tell them they are about to commit suicide.

So You Want to be the Police: What You Can Learn From My Latest Seven Day Work Week

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, So You Want to be the Police, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , , , , , , on April 27, 2009 by JumpOut

And other fun facts

So, you want to be the police, huh? Let me give you some insight into what you will face if you decide to get behind the badge. I just worked a seven day work week. It’s not the first and won’t be the last. This one was by choice. I volunteered to work a warrant round-up on my days off for time and a half. After all, they pay me like a policeman. After working this seven day work week, and listening to mostly talk radio during the day, I have come to a startling conclusion. According to the Barack Obama administration, working for seven straight twelve hour days is a form of torture.

The English philosopher Herbert Spencer said, “The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.” With every passing day that I work, I am more convinced that the human race has defeated natural selection. The majority of my time at work is spent shielding men from the effects of folly. As the years have passed, I have watched as juvenile delinquents have grown to convicted felons, and begin to raise their very own future convicted felons. In years past these people would have been hanged in the town square for rustling cattle or something. The gene pool needs an enema. Maybe swine flu will help me out with that.

Once you reach a certain level of crazy, we should be able to put you down like a rabid dog. Once you exhibit symptoms of being a dangerous crazy person, the responding officers should be able to just end it, right there, for the sake of the community. I’m sure you’re wondering who would make the determination of what is “too crazy”? Well, that’s easy. Me, of course. I would be good at that job.

I spent some time working with some guys from the United States Marshall’s Service. I let one of them borrow my pen, and I never got it back. Let this be a lesson to you. Every time you let the Federal government borrow one of your freedoms for the sake of safety, it will end up wherever my pen is.

Wisdom in My Stead

Posted in Uncategorized on April 26, 2009 by JumpOut

The Roanoke Cop brings you Paul Harvey’s Policeman

The Things Worth Believing In brings you The Magpul Website. Much wisdom at the top of that page.

Humor and Satire from Radioactive Liberty

And since it’s Sunday, a prayer from my Policeman’s Bible provided by Dan Lovin:

Our Father who art in Heaven

In a few minutes I will assume my daily beat. Facing the unknown, but being closer to Thee than ever before

Hallowed be Thy name

Even in the face of death and crime, Thou art everywhere to guide me. I will fear no evil. Thy rod and Thy staff comfort me.

Thy will be done

Thy will, not mine shall be done. Do not let me be selfish. O Lord, if you choose to take me, let me die as a man in order that another may live.

On Earth as it is in Heaven

Let me be a guide here on Earth to those who are misguided and lost. Help me to hlep those who are in need of help in order that we all may be worthy of Thy kingdom in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread

Especially those who live in poverty and misery

And forgive us our trespasses

I am a sinner. O Lord, let me never forget that I am no better than my fellow men. Let me never forget that by Thy grace I am on the right side of the law.

As we forgive those who trespass against us

Forgive those that despise me and the uniform which represents law and order. Forgive them for they do not know better. I have forgiven them.

Lead us not into temptation

Make me strong for I am only human. Deliver me from hate and jealousy and from wanting something I should not have in in your eyes.

For thine is the kingdom and power and the glory

Let me be no judge or jury. Let me be impartial. Let me be just and fair.

Forever and ever, Amen


Posted in Uncategorized on April 26, 2009 by JumpOut

I am still around. I have a few post ideas I’ve come up with during this long layoff. I should have those up no later than tomorrow. I also think I am done with Twitter. It’s just one more thing eating into my free time, and I don’t think It generated any traffic. Unless y’all enjoy coming here and reading my messages (I refuse to call anything I do tweeting), I’m getting rid of Twitter. So, how was your week?

Oh Noez!!!!

Posted in Uncategorized on April 20, 2009 by JumpOut

Long, heavy work week ahead. I will probably not be around much. I apologize in advance.

My Food Blog

Posted in Linky Love on April 19, 2009 by JumpOut

Meh, what the hell? I decided to give food blogging a serious go. Here’s my food blog, if you’re interested.