Attention All Shitbags!

I’ll be working on Christmas day. Don’t fuck up. There will be zero tolerance for your bullshit. You will go to jail, and you’ll probably be taking an asswhooping with you. Merry Christmas. Thatisall.

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Survival Spanish

Today, in How Not to Get Killed by the Police, we’re going to discuss a very serious problem: Illegal immigration. Illegal immigrants pose a threat to many industries where the workers are typically paid in cash. One of the hardest hit professions is kidnapping.

Let’s say you’re a kidnapper just trying to do your job. You find a mark, and snatch him up. When you demand money from him, he says that he doesn’t have any, but he can make a phone call and get some. Obviously, in these tough economic times, nobody can afford to pass up a possible payday. When he makes the call, he starts speaking Spanish. How the hell do you know what he’s saying?

Here’s an example from the Atlanta Journal Constitution:

The kidnapping victim, an unidentified 31-year-old man, had just left another Waffle House. He was walking along Buford Highway near Lenox Road when two men in a burgundy Pontiac Grand Prix pulled up and forced him into the car at gunpoint, Meadows said.

They demanded money from the man, who said he had to call someone to get some, Meadows said. Instead, the victim called 911 on his cell phone and spoke Spanish to a police dispatcher.

The mark took advantage of the poor kidnapper’s ignorance of the Spanish language to attract dangerous police officers. Well, we all know how the story ends:

The officer fired one shot at the suspect, striking him in the chest, after the man got out of his vehicle and reached for his waistband, said Atlanta police Lt. Keith Meadows, commander of the homicide unit.

The man, George Pierre, 31, of Atlanta ran away, stumbled to the ground, got up and ran into street, where he was tackled by another officer and died.

Another life wasted because of the influx of illegal immigrants to this country.

Here is a quick list of simple Spanish words and phrases that could save your life, and possibly prevent your getting killed by the police:

• Rico suave – Don’t call the police
• Caca pasa – Hang up the phone
• Uno cerveza, por favor – Give me all your money

And if all else fails, and you’re confronted by blood-thirsty, gun-wielding police officers, just say:

• coja la policía – I surrender

Brush up on your Spanish. It could save your life one day. Remember, if the person doesn’t understand what you’re saying, speak louder.

This has been another installment of How Not to Get Killed by the Police brought to you by Law Enforcement Humor and Political Satire at You Should Be Tasered.

The Economy Is So Dead

For months now we’ve been hearing about how awful the economy is. We’ve heard that nobody is driving, we’ve heard that nobody is shopping, and we’ve heard that nobody is working. Everybody is getting a bailout (except for unknown law enforcement humor bloggers) and the economy is still suffering.

This begs one question: Where in the fuck did all these people at the mall come from? Are they freakin’ foreigners? If everybody is broke, and nobody is driving, shopping or working, why did it take me three hours to buy two things at the mall today?

I have some advice for all you broke, unemployed, sorry, sons of bitches out there. STAY OUT OF THE GODDAMNED MALL!!!!

Law Enforcement Facts: What to Know Before You Call the Police

During my time in law enforcement I’ve found that many people that call the police are very unfamiliar with the criminal laws that govern them. Here is a helpful list to make your next contact with law enforcement more pleasant:

• One anonymous hang-up phone-call doesn’t count as “harassment”
• You “knowing” that someone is selling drugs does not count as probable cause
• If your dog gets hit by a car in the road, you will be charged for allowing your dog to be in the road
• Yes, I can arrest you for Domestic Violence in your own house
• You being the one that called the police doesn’t give you immunity from arrest
• Just because your lawyer said it doesn’t make it so
• You might beat the rap, but you won’t beat the ride

The information contained in this list should help you determine whether or not you should call the police in some common situations. Hopefully your next contact with law enforcement will be a smooth one.

Canada Hates Tasers

In the day to day research I do in preparation for writing a new post, I often do a Google search for “Taser” to see if there are any interesting taser related stories. Every time, Google yields a ton of anti-taser stories from Canada. Feel free to look over this set of Google results.

There is only one logical explanation. Canada is full of stupid hippies. Stupid hippies are the only people that hate tasers this much. Why? Because tasers always ruin their stupid sit-ins, demonstrations, and marches.

I know you’re thinking this should not be an issue because a good tasering is the only fitting outcome to these lame hissy fits that tie up traffic, prevent people from moving freely about town, and make the local Army recruiting office smell like patchouli for a month. See, hippies think that what they are doing is good, and that they should not be tasered. Years of drug-retarded brain activity (or inactivity as the case may be) has caused an inability to think amongst the hippie community. They don’t realize that everybody hates them, and wants them to get tasered.

It appears that in the hippie mind the number one obstacle to achieving their goals of pussification is the taser. It seems they believe if they protest tasers, they may be able to stop law enforcement from being able to issue them their much needed taserings. This is another example of the hippies’ inability to create a rational thought. If they had the sense God gave a sack of worn-out Birkenstocks, they would realize their track record really sucks. Sure, they were able to bring the Viet Nam war to an end, but that led to the deaths of all but two people and a water buffalo in Cambodia. A great consolation prize to be sure, but sorely lacking when compared to the goal of peace on Earth.

We must continue hippie taserings. Every scientist in the world agrees that electric shock is the best behavior modifier there is. It’s like when a child touches a hot stove. Granted, a hippie child would have to touch a hot stove like fifty times before it figures out it shouldn’t touch a hot stove, but it will learn in time. With enough hippies being tasered while protesting, they should eventually learn to stop acting like childish asshats. Cue Satchmo.

Read It Now

My newest Political Satire post is up at Radioactive Liberty. Go there now, and read it!

And Now for Something Completely Different

Check out this post at Support Your Local Gunfighter for even more Law Enforcement Humor!

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Wilderness Safety

Outdoor activities can be fun for mom, dad, junior, sissy, or even deranged Uncle Bob and his puppy. Don’t let carelessness turn a fun family outing into a blood-splattered scene of mayhem and death.

Thanks to the How Not to Get Killed by the Police series, we are all aware of how dangerous police officers in the wild can be. If you’re out in a wooded area walking your dog, brandishing a firearm, or just living there, you should be aware that it is possible that you could inadvertently cross paths with roaming groups of wild police officers.

If you should find yourself in a similar situation:

[Via Miami Herald]

The man lived in a heavily wooded area behind the community center at Naranja Park, 14150 SW 264th St. He slept under a blue tarp, next to his pots and pans.

Three detectives from the South District — until recently called the Cutler Ridge station — drove to the park Thursday afternoon.

They were investigating a report of a man who had pointed a rifle at a school bus several days ago, then ran into the same wooded area.

While they were scouring the woods, the dog burst out of the brush toward police. The man popped out, too.

You should remember that the wild police officers are very unpredictable when in a normal state. Like any wild animal, the danger is doubled when you startle them.

If you mistakenly cross the path of police officers in the wild, you should immediately fall to the ground, cover your face and head, and curl into ball. You have to show the police officers you are not a threat. If you fail to follow this advice, the outcome could be tragic:

”The suspect armed himself. He raised his weapon and police fired,” said Miami-Dade Detective Roy Rutland, a spokesman.

The man and the dog were mortally wounded. No officers were injured.

”The officers were in fear for their lives and their safety when the subject pointed a rifle at them,” said Brendan Coyle, an attorney with the Police Benevolent Association.

Don’t let this happen to you. Remember to get your dose of Law Enforcement Humor and Political Satire everyday from You Should Be Tasered so you can learn How Not to Get Killed by the Police.

Global Warming Believers Are Stupid

Apparently snow in South Louisiana is an indicator of how hot everything else is getting. Who knew?

Scientists fear that what’s happening with Arctic ice melt will be amplified so that ominous sea level rise will occur sooner than they expected. They predict Arctic waters could be ice-free in summers, perhaps by 2013, decades earlier than they thought only a few years ago.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t we already supposed to be ankle deep in ocean water in Nevada by now or something? I know we’re supposed to be out of oil by now too.

Complicating everything is the worldwide financial meltdown. Frank Maisano, a Washington energy specialist and spokesman who represents coal-fired utilities and refineries, sees the poor economy as “a huge factor” that could stop everything. That’s because global warming efforts are aimed at restricting coal power, which is cheap. That would likely mean higher utility bills and more damage to ailing economies that depend on coal production, he said.

Of course, let’s screw everybody for the sake of our stupid religion. This is more important than people. People are why this happened, so they deserve to suffer.

Mother Nature, of course, is oblivious to the federal government’s machinations. Ironically, 2008 is on pace to be a slightly cooler year in a steadily rising temperature trend line. Experts say it’s thanks to a La Nina weather variation. While skeptics are already using it as evidence of some kind of cooling trend, it actually illustrates how fast the world is warming.

There’s the punchline, I can’t do better than that. Remember, there is no debate! Every scientist in the world agrees that man-made global warming is the shit! In the words of Mystikal, “If I tell ya it’s the shit, then that’s just what it is!”

Giving Credit to Obama

Leftards like to accuse us conservatives of being narrow minded and bigoted and all the rest. I guess I can understand why. I mean, the way I lampooned Obama’s media coverage and ridiculed Obama’s associations it probably seems I just don’t like the guy. But that’s not so. Well, I don’t like the guy, but that doesn’t mean I disagree with everything he says.

Barack Obama and I agree on one thing: There must be a playoff system in College Football. There is no sane reason not to. I’m sick of hearing about USC’s so-called “2003 national championship.” If Oklahoma wins this year (they won’t) Texas has a legitimate gripe since they had the same record, beat Oklahoma head-to-head and didn’t even get a shot at the conference title because of the Big 12’s tie breaker system. If Oklahoma manages to beat Florida, Oklahoma fans will be so sick of hearing about how Texas should have had a shot from ESPN they are going to hang themselves in large numbers. All this end of the year conjecture is stupid, let them settle it on the field.

I always hear the biggest reasons there is no playoff system are:

1. Players will miss too much class
2. We can’t get rid of bowl games
3. The Big Ten, Notre Dame, and USC will never win another national championship

Okay, so I added that last one, but it is true. Anyhoo, I think we can come up with a system that addresses those concerns. First, we make it an eight team playoff, which would add at most three games to the schedule. We cut the regular season by two games, and anybody that wants to be considered eligible must play the same number of games, ten regular season and a conference championship game. We add two existing bowl games (like the Cotton Bowl and Capital One Bowl) to the BCS series, and make the BCS series your playoffs. All the other bowl games will remain just as they always were.

We must reorganize the BCS conferences. We kick out the PAC 10 and the Big East to start. Then, every two years the conference with the fewest number of BCS teams gets kicked out, and the conference with the most at large bids gets in.

The first four teams will come from the BCS conference champions, and the next four will be the highest rated teams in the BCS that aren’t already in by winning their conference.

This won’t extend the season by much. It won’t spell the doom of the bowl games. It would give any team willing to organize their conference similarly to the BCS conferences a chance to win it all. If we had implemented this plan this year the BCS would look like this:

• Florida(SEC CC)
• Okalahoma (Big 12 CC)
• Penn State (Big 10 CC)
• Virginia Tech(ACC CC)
• Texas(#3)
• Alabama(#4)
• USC(#5)
• Utah(#6)

Those eight teams would have a shot at a legitimate National Championship. Even Utah. Then again, I’m just a poor dumb civil servant, what the hell do I know.