I’ll be working on Christmas day. Don’t fuck up. There will be zero tolerance for your bullshit. You will go to jail, and you’ll probably be taking an asswhooping with you. Merry Christmas. Thatisall.
Archive for December, 2008
Today, in How Not to Get Killed by the Police, we’re going to discuss a very serious problem: Illegal immigration. Illegal immigrants pose a threat to many industries where the workers are typically paid in cash. One of the hardest hit professions is kidnapping.
Let’s say you’re a kidnapper just trying to do your job. You find a mark, and snatch him up. When you demand money from him, he says that he doesn’t have any, but he can make a phone call and get some. Obviously, in these tough economic times, nobody can afford to pass up a possible payday. When he makes the call, he starts speaking Spanish. How the hell do you know what he’s saying?
Here’s an example from the Atlanta Journal Constitution:
The kidnapping victim, an unidentified 31-year-old man, had just left another Waffle House. He was walking along Buford Highway near Lenox Road when two men in a burgundy Pontiac Grand Prix pulled up and forced him into the car at gunpoint, Meadows said.
They demanded money from the man, who said he had to call someone to get some, Meadows said. Instead, the victim called 911 on his cell phone and spoke Spanish to a police dispatcher.
The mark took advantage of the poor kidnapper’s ignorance of the Spanish language to attract dangerous police officers. Well, we all know how the story ends:
The officer fired one shot at the suspect, striking him in the chest, after the man got out of his vehicle and reached for his waistband, said Atlanta police Lt. Keith Meadows, commander of the homicide unit.
The man, George Pierre, 31, of Atlanta ran away, stumbled to the ground, got up and ran into street, where he was tackled by another officer and died.
Another life wasted because of the influx of illegal immigrants to this country.
Here is a quick list of simple Spanish words and phrases that could save your life, and possibly prevent your getting killed by the police:
- Rico suave – Don’t call the police
- Caca pasa – Hang up the phone
- Uno cerveza, por favor – Give me all your money
And if all else fails, and you’re confronted by blood-thirsty, gun-wielding police officers, just say:
- coja la policía – I surrender
Brush up on your Spanish. It could save your life one day. Remember, if the person doesn’t understand what you’re saying, speak louder.
For months now we’ve been hearing about how awful the economy is. We’ve heard that nobody is driving, we’ve heard that nobody is shopping, and we’ve heard that nobody is working. Everybody is getting a bailout (except for unknown law enforcement humor bloggers) and the economy is still suffering.
This begs one question: Where in the fuck did all these people at the mall come from? Are they freakin’ foreigners? If everybody is broke, and nobody is driving, shopping or working, why did it take me three hours to buy two things at the mall today?
I have some advice for all you broke, unemployed, sorry, sons of bitches out there. STAY OUT OF THE GODDAMNED MALL!!!!
During my time in law enforcement I’ve found that many people that call the police are very unfamiliar with the criminal laws that govern them. Here is a helpful list to make your next contact with law enforcement more pleasant:
- One anonymous hang-up phone-call doesn’t count as “harassment”
- You “knowing” that someone is selling drugs does not count as probable cause
- If your dog gets hit by a car in the road, you will be charged for allowing your dog to be in the road
- Yes, I can arrest you for Domestic Violence in your own house
- You being the one that called the police doesn’t give you immunity from arrest
- Just because your lawyer said it doesn’t make it so
- You might beat the rap, but you won’t beat the ride
The information contained in this list should help you determine whether or not you should call the police in some common situations. Hopefully your next contact with law enforcement will be a smooth one.
In the day to day research I do in preparation for writing a new post, I often do a Google search for “Taser” to see if there are any interesting taser related stories. Every time, Google yields a ton of anti-taser stories from Canada. Feel free to look over this set of Google results.
There is only one logical explanation. Canada is full of stupid hippies. Stupid hippies are the only people that hate tasers this much. Why? Because tasers always ruin their stupid sit-ins, demonstrations, and marches.
I know you’re thinking this should not be an issue because a good tasering is the only fitting outcome to these lame hissy fits that tie up traffic, prevent people from moving freely about town, and make the local Army recruiting office smell like patchouli for a month. See, hippies think that what they are doing is good, and that they should not be tasered. Years of drug-retarded brain activity (or inactivity as the case may be) has caused an inability to think amongst the hippie community. They don’t realize that everybody hates them, and wants them to get tasered.
It appears that in the hippie mind the number one obstacle to achieving their goals of pussification is the taser. It seems they believe if they protest tasers, they may be able to stop law enforcement from being able to issue them their much needed taserings. This is another example of the hippies’ inability to create a rational thought. If they had the sense God gave a sack of worn-out Birkenstocks, they would realize their track record really sucks. Sure, they were able to bring the Viet Nam war to an end, but that led to the deaths of all but two people and a water buffalo in Cambodia. A great consolation prize to be sure, but sorely lacking when compared to the goal of peace on Earth.
We must continue hippie taserings. Every scientist in the world agrees that electric shock is the best behavior modifier there is. It’s like when a child touches a hot stove. Granted, a hippie child would have to touch a hot stove like fifty times before it figures out it shouldn’t touch a hot stove, but it will learn in time. With enough hippies being tasered while protesting, they should eventually learn to stop acting like childish asshats. Cue Satchmo.