Archive for November, 2008

Law Enforcement Facts: What the Police Don’t Do

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts with tags , , , on November 26, 2008 by JumpOut

It has come to my attention that many people don’t understand what their local law enforcement professionals do. They understand even less what their local police don’t do. Or, do not. Apparently we don’t study grammar. Here is a simple list of what we don’t do so that you won’t be confused when you the police don’t do what you want.

  • We don’t stand there and take shit from you. If you feel like it’s a good idea to berate a cop that has responded to your cry for help, don’t. At best, he’ll leave the complaint without helping you, at worst he’ll beat your ass, and arrest you for aggravated dumb-ass.

  • No, we won’t arrest them until they do something to you. That’s the way it works, idiot. Someone has to actually break the law before they can be arrested. Had you left him the first time he beat your ass, and hadn’t dropped two restraining orders against him, you wouldn’t be blubbering in front of me now.

  • To protect and serve is a stupid slogan used by LAPD. We are not here to protect you. Oh sure, we try, but as the saying goes when seconds count the police are just minutes away. We discover, and investigate criminal activity and make arrests as applicable. That’s it. We are not your personal bodyguard.

  • We cannot fix in fifteen minutes what it took you fifteen years to fuck up. The next time little Timmy “refuses” to get on the bus, or little Suzy calls you a pole-smoking whore, beat their ass. I can’t do anything with that. Don’t call me. I am not raising your children.

  • We don’t have to believe your bullshit story. When you call the police saying some big black guy jumped out the bushes and beat your ass for no reason as you skipped along reading your bible and humming “Why Can’t We Be Friends” don’t be offended when I tell you you’re full of shit, and suggest you shouldn’t try buying drugs on credit.

Hopefully that will take some of the confusion out of your future dealings with law enforcement. Just remember: When you say to me “I know all the cops” I don’t view that as a positive thing. If you know all the cops and you aren’t one, or are closely related to one, you’ve had too much contact with law enforcement to be pure as the driven snow.

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Posts in Other Places

Posted in Linky Love on November 26, 2008 by JumpOut

The new satire post is up at Radioactive Liberty. Go read it now, or you will be sent to a prison camp in Siberia.

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Jacksonville

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on November 25, 2008 by JumpOut

It’s time for another installment of our recurring series How Not to Get Killed by the Police. This time we will be looking at a hotspot of police maulings, Jacksonville, FL. The bottom line is the police in Jacksonville will kill your ass.

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Jacksonville police have shot and killed two men after separate armed robberies, bringing to 14 the number of fatal police shootings this year.

Rule number one, don’t go to Jacksonville. If you find yourself in Jacksonville, be on the lookout for roving bands of feral police officers that may strike at any time. Just look at this example of citizens minding their own business when they were suddenly cut down without warning:

The two shootings occurred early Monday.

The first happened after an armed robbery at a convenience store. Police spotted a car used in the robbery and stopped it. A gunman was shot and killed when he pulled a gun and shot at officers.

A short time later, police responded to another armed robbery. A car being pursued by police crashed into a telephone pole. Both men in the car ran. Police caught one and finally located the other man. When he fired at an officer, police fired back, killing him.

The Jacksonville police are extra dangerous.

Police have shot a total of 27 people this year, compared with 19 last year.

So stay out of Jacksonville! And read You Should Be Tasered regularly to find out how not to get killed by the police.

Answers

Posted in Humor on November 24, 2008 by JumpOut

I guess the burning question on the mind of the blogosphere is: “Where did JumpOut go?” Well, gather around dudes, and dudettes, and I will tell you the tale of why I haven’t been around. It’s a mysterious tale with twists and turns, and drama around every corner. A tale of love, and redemption, of pain, and triumph. It may just be the blockbuster hit of the holiday season.

It all starts with me in Africa. I was running from my past. I found solace in a school for boys run by a friend of mine. My past caught up with me in the form of a Federal subpoena. I decided to leave the school because I did not want the rat-bastards in the government to use the school against me. Just as I was leaving, some gunmen showed up to abduct the children and force them to fight in General Juma’s Civilian National Security Force. I whooped their asses, and saved all the children. I’m good like that.

Upon returning to the States, I found work in a hospital diagnosing strange illnesses. I took a case involving an orphan who said her parents were dead. I knew better, because everybody lies. Through my rapier-like sarcasm, and cynicism that runs so deep it manifests itself physically sometimes, I figure out the girl has leukemia, and killed her younger brother. I convince her to get treated, and find her salvation. All in a day’s work.

So you see, I was doing some really important stuff. Sorry, I didn’t have time to write. I did save some children in the process, so I’m sure you can all forgive me, right? Am I redeemed?

Whew!

Posted in Uncategorized on November 23, 2008 by JumpOut

I think I am back now. I should get to posting and reading more shortly. I know you were all very upset. You can put down the bourbon and meth. I shall dispense to you your funny immediately…or maybe tomorrow.

See Ya In A Bit

Posted in Uncategorized on November 19, 2008 by JumpOut

I probably won’t be around much for a while. I’ve some stuff coming up that’s going to keep me busy. I’ll be back ASAP.

Of Hippies and Tasers

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , , , on November 18, 2008 by JumpOut

Hippies Don’t React Well to Tasers...Nor Should They

Being devoted to law enforcement humor, I often search the interwebs for humorous stories involving law enforcement. One fount of endless material is the taser. There aren’t many things funnier than watching a stupid hippie get tased. Who doesn’t enjoy that? While that may seem a rhetorical question, it isn’t. Apparently hippies don’t like when hippies get tased.

This comes as an utter shock to me. When we law enforcement officers roam the countryside looking for random hippies to tase, it never once occurred to me that there were some people that didn’t find getting tased funny. Take the “Don’t Tase Me Bro!” guy for example. You can’t tell me he didn’t know that he was providing serious comedy material. He played his part perfectly. From the incoherent public ramblings to the actively resisting police, right down to the screaming like a bitch as the taser is deployed, that was comedy gold.

Now hippies like Amnesty International say that police officers repeatedly tase people after they’ve been completely immobilized. This is utter hogwash. Everybody knows that multiple taserings are some of the funniest around. My favorite tasing video, “multiple-taser drunk” guy, is one of the funniest videos ever. This guy obviously didn’t mind getting tased. Why else would he get hit five times by the taser? Still, stupid hippies are trying to stop the police from using tasers.

Why would hippies want to take this effective, and immensely funny tool away from police officers? Well, hippies are evil, and don’t want you to laugh. Don’t believe me? Read the essay I linked in the sub-head. In that essay, a stupid hippie tries to use taser deaths as an indictment of Club G’itmo, the tv show 24, and the George W. Bush Administration. While such an essay may prove to be funny if it were satire, this essay was not satire at all; therefore, it’s not funny at all. Come to think of it, I wish I would have come up with the idea first. That would have been Frankj level comedy genius.

If you love law enforcement and comedy, you should do all in your power to stop the stupid hippies from taking away the taser. First, it’s the taser, then they’ll want to outlaw all forms of schadenfreude. The next thing you’ll know is the only comedy you’ll be allowed to see will be reruns of Dharma and Greg and Saturday Night Live. It’s a slippery slope people. Do you want your world to be devoid of taser humor?