Archive for January, 2009

Innocent Child Railroaded by St. Petersburg Police

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , on January 28, 2009 by JumpOut

According to The Suncoast News a poor, mild-mannered, urban youth has been railroaded by the St. Petersburg Police Department.

According to accounts, there has been a rash of convenience store robberies, many ending in shootings, in the St. Pete area. Two undercover detectives observed three young, urbanites minding their own business. It was obvious they were minding their own business due to the the mask and red bandanna two of them were wearing to cover their faces. It’s obvious they were going to a masquerade ball.

The three young men stashed their bikes in an alley across from an Exxon. One of the masquerade party goers stayed behind with the bicycles while the other two entered the Exxon. The clerk, alarmed by the masquerade masks, threw money and a porn DVD at the party goers. This startled the masked revelers, so they picked up the money and DVD and ran out of the store.

At this point, one of the undercover detectives, apparently dressed up as a vampire, grabbed one of the revelers, and possibly uttered “Boo!” One of the masked party goers opened fire on the frightening undercover detective. The detective was hit four times, and is in critical but stable condition. None of his injuries appear to be life threatening.

The young man, James Seay, accused of shooting the detective, whose name will not be released due to the undercoverishness of his work, is, according to his upstanding family members, a good boy who would never do anything like this.

The family of Mr. Seay say the police were wrong. They believe the police are lying, and that James had nothing to do with the incident. They blame the police for not stopping the boys before they entered the store. One family member was overheard to say, “Where is Chief John Anderton when you need him?” They apparently also blame Tom Cruise.

James’ uncle, Rev. Darryl Seay, says James wasn’t raised like that, and that it’s as much the cops fault as it is James’. Rev. Seay also believes James is being verbally and physically abused right now by the police while he’s in jail without bond. He’s right obviously, because he’s a reverend. He’s also an ex-convict, but he apparently found God, so he’s straight. Besides, there is no possible way James could have been raised to be a criminal. Especially since his uncle, his father, and his brother have all done time, and they know that crime doesn’t pay.

The family also said the James was close discovering a procedure for cold fusion, and designs for a combustion engine that works on sunshine and lollipops. He’ll now never achieve his goals of ending the fighting in the Middle East, and ending world hunger.

More Conservative Political Humor

Posted in Linky Love with tags , , , , on January 28, 2009 by JumpOut

If you’re bored, I have two new posts up at the Conservative Humor and Satire site, Radioactive Liberty.

First, a collaborative post with conservative humorist, Les James. It’s a look at the effects of closing Guantanamo Bay.

Second, a humorous look at the Obama vs. Limbaugh media controversy.

Go read and join the discussion.

Pierre and Boudreaux Discuss National Security

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on January 25, 2009 by JumpOut

Hey, Pierre!

Comment ca va, Boudreaux?

Eh, ca va. I’m tired of being in dis jail. I’m so glad you came to bail me out.

No problem, Boudreaux, but you never told me exactly what happened. How did you end up in here?

Well, Pierre, you know I like to fight dem dogs.

Ahh, Boudreaux, don’t tell me dey caught you fightin’ dem dogs!

Oh, mais non, dey didn’t catch me fightin’ da dogs. My dogs got loose, and they mauled several small children.

Tonnere! How did you let dat happen Boudreux, you couillon.

Well, dose dogs, dey was mistreated. I had Thibodeaux taking care of’em and he used to do some stuff to dem dogs to train’em to fight. He used to spray dem wit da hose, and he would make’em listen to some bad music, and he would not let dem sleep. Mais, my conscience started getting to me, so I just let’em go.

Great Man Murdered by Police

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts, Stupid Criminals with tags , , on January 24, 2009 by JumpOut

Dallas, North Carolina police shot and killed a great man. On January 24, 2009, a man known to his friends as “Tiny Brown” was sitting on his front porch reading his bible when the police officers showed up and killed him.

Tiny’s family feel the shooting was unnecessary. They said Tiny was a good boy that loved his family. They said he was a great guy and a brother to us all. They said he helped the neighborhood, and was a loved one. Besides, how dangerous could a man named Tiny be?

They’re relatively certain that a cure for cancer and an appointment to Barack Obama’s cabinet were forthcoming, but he was cut down way too soon.

They said his criminal history:

Sentence began: Aug. 31, 1995
Released: July 13, 2007
Convictions: Possession with intent to sell Schedule II controlled substance (three counts), sell Schedule II controlled substance (three counts)

Sentence began: Jan. 6, 1987
Released: Aug. 13, 1993
Convictions: Assault with a deadly weapon inflicting serious injury (two counts), common-law robbery

Sentence began: Jan. 19, 1984
Released: Nov. 4, 1985
Convictions: Felony breaking and entering, common-law robbery, assault on a female

Sentence began: Feb. 2, 1982
Released: Dec. 13, 1982
Convictions: Breaking /entering and larceny, larceny – more more than $200

Sentence began: Dec. 9, 1980
Released: Feb. 22, 1982
Convictions: Misdemeanor breaking and entering (two counts), larceny – more more than $200 (two counts)

And his attempt to grab one of the arresting officer’s firearms were lies perpetrated by The Man.

If You Like Me…

Posted in Linky Love on January 21, 2009 by JumpOut

…Go read my latest Conservative Humor and political satire post at Radioactive liberty.

Looking for Inauguration Coverage?

Posted in Uncategorized on January 20, 2009 by JumpOut

You want find it here. If you want conservative humor inauguration coverage, Radioactive Liberty is the place to be.

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: The Oldest Rule in the Book

Posted in How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor with tags , on January 19, 2009 by JumpOut

Being the web’s number one resource on information that can save your life when confronted by crazed feral police officers, I feel I may have done a disservice to my readers. It seems I made a mistake by assuming that everyone knew the most elementary rule in not getting killed by the police. I have recently found evidence that this is not the case.

The oldest rule in the book of how not to get killed by the police, the one I mistakenly thought went without saying, is a very popular, and well known cliche’. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Maybe it is all of you who have failed me! Maybe you have all been poor students, and by not being mildly curious about what you could learn away from here, you have failed a fellow student. He has now lost his life because he made a simple, obvious mistake.

Well, I guess I have to teach you this one too. The number one rule in how not to get killed by the police is “Don’t Bring a Knife to Gunfight!” Jesus H. Christ what are you people doing out there? It’s like I’m raising children around here! I can’t believe this:

Spokesman Jeff Kappel says it started with a 911 call at 1:16 a.m. Wednesday from an Aurora Avenue motel.

Responding officers heard the woman screaming that the man had a knife. When they forced open the door, Kappel says, the man sprayed officers with a chemical irritant. Officers used a stun gun on the man twice but he fought it off and refused orders to drop the knife.

Kappel says when the man advanced he was shot by four or five officers and died at the scene.

As far as inciting shooting frenzies goes, the only thing more likely to illicit one than a drunk in a Nazi uniform pointing a WWII replica rifle loaded with blanks is a knife wielding wackaloon.

Come on, people, it’s your lives on the line. Do I have to do all the work around here?

Law Enforcement Humor: Point of Clarification

Posted in Linky Love with tags , on January 18, 2009 by JumpOut

I have a pretty good idea of who my regular commenters are, but I have lots of readers that don’t comment. I have no clue who those people are. I would assume (dangerous, I know) that some of the hits are people looking for serious law enforcement information that somehow stumbled upon this law enforcement humor site.

This site is about humor, not information. My posts may contain some valid information, but most of it is just me trying to make you laugh. If that’s not what you’re looking for, I apologize.

Being the benevolent oppression technician that I am, I am here to help. If you want solid law enforcement information and issues, I have two great links for you:

The Things Worth Believing In – You may have seen some of tgace’s comments around here. He covers everything from law enforcement issues to martial arts, to the philosophy of warriorship. He even has some funny sprinkled in there. If serious info is what you’re after, that’s where it’s at.

Spartan Cops – These guys have put together a blog that centers around law enforcement use of force topics. They have tons of great links, and posts that will scratch your itch for serious law enforcement information. Well, yeah, I did find them through The Things Worth Believing In, but that’s beside the point. Just go there and learn stuff, damn it.

Law Enforcement Facts: Don’t Be A Victim

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts, Stupid Criminals with tags , on January 14, 2009 by JumpOut

During the police academy, and throughout a law enforcement career, cops hear that “…it’s never the victim’s fault.” Anyone that has done this job long enough knows sometimes it is the victim’s fault. Not always, and some victims bear less fault than others, but there are definite instances where the blame falls squarely on the victim. It could be that these “victims” have just never been educated in how not to be a victim. This post will serve as a quick familiarization in how not to be a victim for those that are naive, stupid, or actually trying to be victimized.

Rule number one: Always be aware of your surroundings. You’d be surprised how many crimes could be prevented if this simple rule was followed. If you find yourself in an area with groups of shady looking entrepreneurs whose office is their driveway, or the street corner, find the nearest point of egress and exit stage left. Failure to follow this rule doesn’t necessarily mean it was your fault that you got robbed, but following this rule will definitely reduce the chances that you are a victim. Sometimes these types of places can’t be avoided. Then again if you are there to buy drugs, steal drugs, or engage in some other nefarious activity you deserve the ass whooping.

Rule number two: In God we trust, all others pay cash. Don’t trust anybody you don’t know. We had a lot of this after the storms. People would go door to door in damaged neighborhoods saying they were roofers looking to fix your roof for low, low prices. If you hired one of these yayhoos, and got your shit stolen or your roof is jacked up, it’s your fault. You let your greed get the best of you, and you did something stupid. Most of these shitbags are from out of town, and will be gone before you even realize your shit was stolen. Always use reputable, licensed companies or individuals for major home repairs. Don’t hire joe-shit the crackhead to work on your house. If he actually does the work you hired him for, you will be missing some lawn tools, or jewelry, or other miscellaneous items that are easily traded for crack.

Rule number three: If you are in a bad situation (i.e. your life recently seems like an episode of Jerry Springer) unass it. For instance, if you slept with some guy, and it all ended in restraining orders and jail time, sleeping with his step-father will likely have a sad ending as well. Or, if your husband beat your ass, and you had him arrested, when he shows up to get his crap and leave, don’t sabotage his vehicle so it won’t start. Let him go!

Rule number four: If you don’t regularly carry a gun, and you decide to go somewhere and before you leave you think: “I should bring a gun with me”, don’t freaking go! For the sake of argument, let’s say some guy stole some prescription medication from you. You thought this guy was a friend, so you decide to go confront him about it. When you get ready to leave you think to yourself, “I probably ought to bring a gun for protection.” That situation is going to end badly. You’re going to get killed, or arrested.

Rule number five: Always pay your drug dealer. If you want to live that lifestyle, you should be aware that drug dealers are all about their paper. They don’t like you, or care what happens to you. They want their money, bitch. Pay them, or they will beat the shit out of you, or kill you. Guess what, that’s your fault.

I hope this list has been helpful to you. While police officers do all they can to prevent crime, they can’t be everywhere. You should always do what you can to protect yourself. Don’t be an easy target, and don’t associate with persons of questionable repute. Stay safe out there.

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Be Aware of How You Look

Posted in How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , , on January 6, 2009 by JumpOut

Today in our recurring instructional series How Not to Get Killed by the Police, we’ll be looking into the way your appearance affects the mood of the animals in blue.Through exhaustive study we have come to the conclusion that your appearance, i.e. what you’re wearing, how you present yourself, etc. have a strong effect on the behaviors of feral hordes of police officers. Certain clothing items and accessories have more profound effects than others.

There is a common misconception that body piercings and certain haircuts can set off wild police officers, but this is simply not the case. Most police officers are no more than mildly amused by foolish looking jewelry and hair. A vintage Nazi uniform accessorized by what is most likely a functioning Mauser rifle, on the other hand, will most likely send police officers in the area into a shooting frenzy. To significantly increase your chances of being killed in a shooting frenzy by untamed police officers, make sure your Mauser rifle is loaded with blanks and be sure to fire it in the vicinity of any feral police officers you may find.

MSNBC makes our point:

Murphy was University of Washington honor student and musician. He was a history buff who often wore vintage uniforms and collected WWII memorabilia, including a vintage German infantry rifle.

Early on New Years Day, police were called to the University District where Murphy had been firing blanks into the air to celebrate.

“He was holding the rifle in both hands. He pointed the rifle in their direction,” said Seattle Police Chief Gil Kerlikowske Friday.

Police Murphy refused several orders to drop the weapon.

“We hear, ‘Sir put the gun down. Don’t reach for anything. Don’t move. Put the gun down.’ Really shouting loud, shouting quick,” said Mark Kedziora, Murphy’s housemate.

“He raised the rifle and pointed it at them, and then briefly lowered it. He raised it again,” said Kerlikowske.

Two officers shot Murphy several times and he died at a hospital.

Apparently he had not been keeping up with our extensive research here at You Should Be Tasered. Had he been a regular reader this tragedy may not have befallen him. So tune in regularly boys and girls, so you can learn How Not to Get Killed by the Police.