Archive for Stupid

Law Enforcement Facts: You Really Shouldn’t Have

Posted in Humor, Law Enforcement Facts with tags , , on March 14, 2009 by JumpOut

As I get ready for another day of listening to complaints from grown ups that behave like children, people complaining about children that act like grown ups, I leave you with a post. What follows is a quick list of things you shouldn’t do if you are dealing with law enforcement.

  • Do not follow behind a police car, flashing your high beams, and breaking traffic laws to get the police officer to stop so you can ask directions.
  • Do not call the police and lie about having a disturbance with your boyfriend just so you can get a ride.
  • Do not call the police for help then proceed to act like an asshole when the police show up to help. I will quickly tell you to go fuck yourself
  • Do not call the police for them to come to your house without secure your family pet. Dogs don’t like the uniform, and I will quickly end your dog’s life.
  • Last, but certainly not least, do not make a threatening jab-step at the police officer that’s pointing a taser at you.

I know must of my kickass readers understand these things. Most of you think they are common sense. Let me assure you that common sense ain’t common, and I wouldn’t mention these if people had never done them. I hope this list will help make your next contact with law enforcement a pleasant one.

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How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Be Aware of How You Look

Posted in How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , , on January 6, 2009 by JumpOut

Today in our recurring instructional series How Not to Get Killed by the Police, we’ll be looking into the way your appearance affects the mood of the animals in blue.Through exhaustive study we have come to the conclusion that your appearance, i.e. what you’re wearing, how you present yourself, etc. have a strong effect on the behaviors of feral hordes of police officers. Certain clothing items and accessories have more profound effects than others.

There is a common misconception that body piercings and certain haircuts can set off wild police officers, but this is simply not the case. Most police officers are no more than mildly amused by foolish looking jewelry and hair. A vintage Nazi uniform accessorized by what is most likely a functioning Mauser rifle, on the other hand, will most likely send police officers in the area into a shooting frenzy. To significantly increase your chances of being killed in a shooting frenzy by untamed police officers, make sure your Mauser rifle is loaded with blanks and be sure to fire it in the vicinity of any feral police officers you may find.

MSNBC makes our point:

Murphy was University of Washington honor student and musician. He was a history buff who often wore vintage uniforms and collected WWII memorabilia, including a vintage German infantry rifle.

Early on New Years Day, police were called to the University District where Murphy had been firing blanks into the air to celebrate.

“He was holding the rifle in both hands. He pointed the rifle in their direction,” said Seattle Police Chief Gil Kerlikowske Friday.

Police Murphy refused several orders to drop the weapon.

“We hear, ‘Sir put the gun down. Don’t reach for anything. Don’t move. Put the gun down.’ Really shouting loud, shouting quick,” said Mark Kedziora, Murphy’s housemate.

“He raised the rifle and pointed it at them, and then briefly lowered it. He raised it again,” said Kerlikowske.

Two officers shot Murphy several times and he died at a hospital.

Apparently he had not been keeping up with our extensive research here at You Should Be Tasered. Had he been a regular reader this tragedy may not have befallen him. So tune in regularly boys and girls, so you can learn How Not to Get Killed by the Police.

Barack Obama is Evil

Posted in Humor, Politics, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , , , , , , on October 21, 2008 by JumpOut

You may be asking yourself how does this lowly blogger that is not nearly as world famous and popular as Conservative Humor and Satire by Radioactive Liberty actually know that Barack Obama is evil? It’s not a hard thing to spot, really.

We know that you are judged by the company you keep. We know this for the Bible tells us so. (Screw you baby-Jesus-hating atheists, you’re all going to hell anyway) What company does Barack Obama keep? Let’s dig, shall we?

First, there is William Ayers. William Ayers is an unrepentant terrorist that has bombed government targets in his homeland. Whoa, talk about shitting where you eat, right? Speaking of shitting where you eat, do you know who else shits where they eat? Hippies that’s who. Who else hates America? Hippies, that’s who. That’s right, William Ayers is dirty, stinkin’, hippie. He’s got the long hair, the hatred for America, and the stupid ideas about how life is supposed to be fair. Granted, he’s lost the whole peace thing with the bombings, but he’s still a God damned hippie.

Next up, Da Revurund, Jeremiah Wright. Jeremiah Wright is the head of some whacko, America hating, religious cult. Do you know who else starts whacko, America hating, religious cults? Hippies, that’s who. It won’t be long before the whole congregation is room temperature from the Jonestown Jungle Juice. Granted, he kinda loses the hippie cred with all that negative, mellow-harshing, energy he’s putting out, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s a worthless, oxygen-thieving hippie.

Finally, there’s Tony Rezko. He’s done a lot of stuff to help Democrats get elected, and was arrested because of it. Do you know who else gets arrested while trying to get Democrats elected? Hippies, that’s who. Like a long-haired pinko staging a sit-in to have the US Constitution amended to allow for bestiality, Rezko is in jail for his retarded attempts at controlling political discourse. There again, he’s not a perfect hippy since he got all that money in kickbacks, but he’s still a hippy, and therefore, not worth killing.

What have we learned here today? We’ve learned that you are judged by the company you keep. We learned that Barack Obama keeps company with hippies. That makes Barack Obama a hippie. We already know that hippies are evil; therefore; by the transitive property, Obama is evil.

…And That’s The Way We Like To Find ‘Em

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, News, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , , , on September 30, 2008 by JumpOut

Apparently it’s not a good idea to try to rape children:

Via Chicago Tribune

Police said Meyers was naked except for a mask and latex gloves and had entered the home through a window near the girl’s bedroom with rope, condoms and a knife.

I have no idea what would possess a man to that, but I know exactly what would possess a man to do this:

County prosecutor’s office spokesman Matthew Symons says no charges are anticipated against 64-year-old Robert McNally, who locked his arm around Meyers’ neck and held him when he found him in his 17-year-old daughter’s bedroom early Sunday.

I’m not quite sure why the there would even be a question as to whether this man would be charged with a crime. I guess we gotta placate the “we need to understand the root cause” crowd. Anyways, now for the happy ending to this little bed-time story:

Marchele Hall of the Marion County coroner’s office says the cause of 52-year-old David T. Meyers’ death was ruled Monday to be asphyxia by strangulation with contributing cardiovascular disease.

Just remember, boys and girls, some people just need a good killin’.