Law Enforcement Facts: Suicide

Suicide is a stupid, selfish thing to do. It’s been said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I would not suggest that you try it. If you did try it, I would think you were stupid and selfish, and you will likely go to Hell. With that being said…

Suicide isn’t complicated. All you have to do is perform an act that is guaranteed to kill you. Large amounts of poisons work well. So does the liberal application of bullets to your head. Hanging will get the job done. Dousing yourself with gasoline, and setting yourself on fire will do the trick as well. If you are attempting suicide, you are a failure at life. If you fail at suicide, you are a failure at death. If you fail at suicide, you have pulled a fail of epic proportions.

If you’re going to commit suicide, just do it. There is no need to let anyone know. You telling the police that you are going to kill yourself will pretty much cause you to keep living. For instance, don’t take one handful of pills, call the police and tell them you are going to take another handful of pills. There is no reason for us to know. There is nothing criminal about wanting to commit suicide.

If you’re going to kill yourself, for Pete’s sake, leave a frikkin note! If you leave a note, we’ll show up, see your dead body, read the note, and say, “Hey, this fool committed suicide!” That’s a wrap. If you don’t leave a note, we’ll show up, see your dead body hanging by a noose from the ceiling fan, and say, “Hey, this fool committed suicide!” Then your family will show up. They will be convinced that you were murdered because you bound your own hands before hanging yourself, and pester the detectives to continue investigating this case. You were a pain in the ass in life, and now you are continuing to be a pain in the ass after you’re dead. Why would you want to cause us all this aggravation?

When you write your note, make it short, and to the point. Five hundred words or less should do the trick. Also, spare us the hurting your family routine. You know what I mean? All this melodrama about how your parents forced you to do this, and your parents are murderers is just asinine. If they were really that bad as parents, they don’t care. If they weren’t as bad as you thought prior to assuming room temperature, you’ve hurt them enough already. Nothing you can say will make it worse. They will already think it is their fault and that they did something wrong because it’s the way parents think. Besides, I don’t want to read all that emotional bullshit.

Finally, what kind of loser commits suicide behind a member of the opposite sex? I always have a hard time wrapping my head around that one. Think about this for just a moment. These fools say, “He/She cheated on me! I’ll show them! I’ll kill myself!” If they were cheating, they don’t care that much. Seriously, there are lots of women/men out there. Not many that will sleep with a codependent, emotional wreck devoid of self-esteem such as yourself, but more are out there. I’ve seen them. Usually when I’ve shown up a residence where someone called the police to tell them they are about to commit suicide.


9 Responses to “Law Enforcement Facts: Suicide”

  1. I normally don’t comment, but this is one post that is too real.

    I believe that any police office that have worked his share of suicides would agree with you completely. I read this and laughed because I have thought the same.

    Thanks again.

  2. You have this one dead on.

  3. Also (via Husband) do not off yourself next to a woodstove with a roaring fire.
    Roasted loin of Stan? Um, not so nice.

  4. Or in a highly heated hotel room with deadbolts that can only be opened from the inside (and cleaning staff that will toss “missed you” notes under the door for a week before calling 911)…ugh!

  5. tazer proof Says:

    I’ve always thought them Japanese Samuri had suicide down to an art form.

  6. snigsspot Says:

    My personal least favorite form of suicide is pointing guns at cops.

    You know, if these asshats don’t care about their own lives, so be it. But damn them for the virgin forest that must be cut down & used up with all the paperwork involved! (And seriously damn them for causing a person to have having to shoot someone on their conscience forever.)

  7. […] Humor and Satire at You Should Be Tasered Commentary From Your Friendly, Neighborhood, Oppression Technician « Law Enforcement Facts: Suicide […]

  8. Mad Jack Says:

    I’d suggest they go a step further with the notes. If you commit suicide, leave a note with your full name, SS number, address and next of kin. An explanation about why the deceased decided to ruin everyone else’s day would also be nice.

    For murders, a note would tend to clear up a lot of questions. Such details as who the alleged deceased was, who the alleged murderer is and why this happened should be absolutely mandatory in every murder note. I would like to emphasize that the right kind of explanation could change everything. Reasons could be as detailed as: This clown was a real pain in the a** for 8 years, and when he brought home his third STD and started in with the beer and the beating again, well, I’ve had enough of him. Or the simple reason: He deserved it.

    These murder notes are a good idea and would serve to clear up a lot of confusion, not to mention saving time, aggravation and taxpayer dollars. How soon do you think we can get this into law?

  9. I’ve been lobbying my congresscritters for DeathCards™ . The way it will work is, every commisioned LEO will get a set amount of them per month to be issued as they see fit. Gene pool needs cleansing? DeathCard™,! Third call of the night from the same complainant? DeathCard™! There is more to this plan devised by a much smarter and older LEO than me. But that’s another post.

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