Law Enforcement Facts: Taser Myths

You know, Christmas Day I was out in the street, tasering my children, my neighbors children, and some neighborhood cats that have crappy owners. Good times. Until my neighbor came out and was all like, “Hey, quit tasering my kids, that’s 50,000 Volts you’re playing with.” Well, I tased him too. Then it got me to thinking, there really are a lot of taser myths out there, and maybe it’s time an expert such as I dispel some of those myths.

  • 50,000 Volts!!! – While 50,000 Volts is the peak, open air arcing voltage of a Taser, once the charge actually enters the body its voltage is reduced to approximately 1200 Volts. In laymen’s terms that means you should quit being such a pussy when I tase your kids for my own entertainment.
  • Police officers use tasers to obtain false confessions – This is simply not the case. We do not use tasers to coerce false confessions. We only use tasers for comedic purposes, and any confession obtained is totally not intended and 100% accurate.
  • Tasers kill people – Tasers don’t kill people, stupidity does. If you decide to go on a two week meth bender, run through the streets naked, and fight the police, you might die when tased. Sorry for your luck. On second thought, I’m not sorry.
  • Tasers are a replacement for lethal force – Law enforcement training stresses that a taser should be used in a lethal force encounter only when lethal force cover is present. All you need to know about this one is we will still shoot your ass.
  • There have been studies that conclude tasers are bad – This one is actually true. There have been studies that conclude tasers are bad, m’kay. However, these studies were conducted by organizations that are filled with grubby, stinking, hippies that are just tired of getting tased at their anti-war rallies. Those studies suck, and are no more accurate than Michael J. Fox and Muhammad Ali playing each other in darts.

I hope this list has helped clear up some of your misconceptions about tasers. Tasers are a great tool for law enforcement and provide hours of laughs on You Tube. Remember, tasers are not to be feared unless you’re a shit-bag criminal, or a dirty hippie.


4 Responses to “Law Enforcement Facts: Taser Myths”

  1. Very, very informative.

    “Those studies suck, and are no more accurate than Michael J. Fox and Muhammad Ali playing each other in darts.”

    That was the greatest ending line “Ever”.

  2. I agree with Admiral. Hilarious!

  3. Way to throw p1ss on the fire. I was working under the illusion that tasers were more harmful than you now say they are. You totally sucked approximately 70% of the fun out of it. Thanks a lot.

  4. Do they come sized for little hands? Like firearms, kids should be taught to use tasers early.

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