Law Enforcement Facts: What the Police Don’t Do

It has come to my attention that many people don’t understand what their local law enforcement professionals do. They understand even less what their local police don’t do. Or, do not. Apparently we don’t study grammar. Here is a simple list of what we don’t do so that you won’t be confused when you the police don’t do what you want.

  • We don’t stand there and take shit from you. If you feel like it’s a good idea to berate a cop that has responded to your cry for help, don’t. At best, he’ll leave the complaint without helping you, at worst he’ll beat your ass, and arrest you for aggravated dumb-ass.

  • No, we won’t arrest them until they do something to you. That’s the way it works, idiot. Someone has to actually break the law before they can be arrested. Had you left him the first time he beat your ass, and hadn’t dropped two restraining orders against him, you wouldn’t be blubbering in front of me now.

  • To protect and serve is a stupid slogan used by LAPD. We are not here to protect you. Oh sure, we try, but as the saying goes when seconds count the police are just minutes away. We discover, and investigate criminal activity and make arrests as applicable. That’s it. We are not your personal bodyguard.

  • We cannot fix in fifteen minutes what it took you fifteen years to fuck up. The next time little Timmy “refuses” to get on the bus, or little Suzy calls you a pole-smoking whore, beat their ass. I can’t do anything with that. Don’t call me. I am not raising your children.

  • We don’t have to believe your bullshit story. When you call the police saying some big black guy jumped out the bushes and beat your ass for no reason as you skipped along reading your bible and humming “Why Can’t We Be Friends” don’t be offended when I tell you you’re full of shit, and suggest you shouldn’t try buying drugs on credit.

Hopefully that will take some of the confusion out of your future dealings with law enforcement. Just remember: When you say to me “I know all the cops” I don’t view that as a positive thing. If you know all the cops and you aren’t one, or are closely related to one, you’ve had too much contact with law enforcement to be pure as the driven snow.

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9 Responses to “Law Enforcement Facts: What the Police Don’t Do”

  1. Is closely related to several, and I still don’t ever use that phrase.
    I think people use it as a last ditch effort to try and get out of whatever chithole they find themselves in.

  2. Happy Thanksgiving! 🙂

  3. but the burning question is…has anyone ever said “do you know who I am!”?

  4. When I was still in the Army, off duty and in civilian clothes, I’ve used “do you know who I am!”? But before their stupid, drunk, out of line, ass could even think of a response, I’d follow with “What’s you name? What unit are you in and what’s your commander’s name?” All in very quick succession. Even the dimmest soldier was rather quick to realize that they were in a world of shit with someone they shouldn’t be, even though they never had a clue who that was.

    I really miss those days.

  5. Bro, I feel your pain!! it’s like they want you to be their baby sitter! People are such idiots!!

    btw, Happy Belated Thanksgiving!!!

  6. I guess asking you to get my cat out of a tree is out of the question…

    Just kidding. It’s amazing what all you’re expected to be able to do, but then how much folks fight you when you do what you’re supposed to be doing in the first place.

  7. Morons are simply job security, dude.

  8. I was hoping to go out Friday night. Can you watch my kid?

  9. F%^&in funny. Id also add that we are not collections agents. We dont just show up and get your car back from your “friend” that didnt return it without arresting somebody. We dont kick down doors to get your stuff from your ex’es house and we dont take babies out of mom’s arms and give him to dad just because she decided not to abide by a visitation order.

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