Archive for Criminals

Law Enforcement Facts: You Really Shouldn’t Have

Posted in Humor, Law Enforcement Facts with tags , , on March 14, 2009 by JumpOut

As I get ready for another day of listening to complaints from grown ups that behave like children, people complaining about children that act like grown ups, I leave you with a post. What follows is a quick list of things you shouldn’t do if you are dealing with law enforcement.

  • Do not follow behind a police car, flashing your high beams, and breaking traffic laws to get the police officer to stop so you can ask directions.
  • Do not call the police and lie about having a disturbance with your boyfriend just so you can get a ride.
  • Do not call the police for help then proceed to act like an asshole when the police show up to help. I will quickly tell you to go fuck yourself
  • Do not call the police for them to come to your house without secure your family pet. Dogs don’t like the uniform, and I will quickly end your dog’s life.
  • Last, but certainly not least, do not make a threatening jab-step at the police officer that’s pointing a taser at you.

I know must of my kickass readers understand these things. Most of you think they are common sense. Let me assure you that common sense ain’t common, and I wouldn’t mention these if people had never done them. I hope this list will help make your next contact with law enforcement a pleasant one.

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My Theory On Tattoos…And Stupid Criminals

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, News, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , on October 7, 2008 by JumpOut

I’ve long had a theory that the farther up on one’s body one’s tattoos started, the more likely one was a convicted felon. For instance, a person with a tattoo on their toe is far less likely to be a convicted felon than a person who has a tattoo on their face. I think this guy supports my theory:

Via The Press Association

Aaron Evans, 21, was captured on camera breaking into a police “honeypot” car in Bristol and identified by a tattoo of his surname and date of birth on the side of his neck.

I think my theory may need to be revised to state: The farther up on one’s body their tattoos start, the more likely it is that one is a convicted felon, and an idiot.

…And That’s The Way We Like To Find ‘Em

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, News, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , , , on September 30, 2008 by JumpOut

Apparently it’s not a good idea to try to rape children:

Via Chicago Tribune

Police said Meyers was naked except for a mask and latex gloves and had entered the home through a window near the girl’s bedroom with rope, condoms and a knife.

I have no idea what would possess a man to that, but I know exactly what would possess a man to do this:

County prosecutor’s office spokesman Matthew Symons says no charges are anticipated against 64-year-old Robert McNally, who locked his arm around Meyers’ neck and held him when he found him in his 17-year-old daughter’s bedroom early Sunday.

I’m not quite sure why the there would even be a question as to whether this man would be charged with a crime. I guess we gotta placate the “we need to understand the root cause” crowd. Anyways, now for the happy ending to this little bed-time story:

Marchele Hall of the Marion County coroner’s office says the cause of 52-year-old David T. Meyers’ death was ruled Monday to be asphyxia by strangulation with contributing cardiovascular disease.

Just remember, boys and girls, some people just need a good killin’.