Archive for Stupid Criminals

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Defensive Driving

Posted in How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor with tags , , , , , on February 5, 2009 by JumpOut

We all know that police officers are like dogs. Not that they’re loyal and protective. It’s that they like to chase moving cars. Indeed many random police attacks have taken place during these mindless romps through the streets.

If you are a motorist concerned about how to keep this from happening to you, I have a few suggestions. Remember, if you see wild police officers chasing you in your moving vehicle, stop immediately. Police officers are an ancient species, and their eyesight only detects movement. Pull your vehicle over, and remain motionless. Eventually they will lose interest, and probably not kill you. If you run, they’ll only chase you down and kill you.

Police officers are pack hunters. They like to work in groups. Generally, if wild police officers are chasing your moving vehicle, there are likely police officers up ahead waiting to ambush your moving vehicle with crude strips filled with hollow spikes, or guns. Again, you must stop and remain motionless.

Let’s say, for example, you are cautiously driving your vehicle on the wide open road. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, wild police officers start chasing your car. Frightened, you speed up, hoping to outmaneuver them and their primitive intellect. Up ahead, you see more flashing lights, an indication that there is another group of wild police officers up ahead. If you continue to drive into the group of police officers, they will shoot and kill you.

Here’s another example of an uneducated citizen who refused to read How Not to Get Killed by the Police. KSTP-TV reports:

A man is dead after police shot him as he drove a stolen car toward officers at a traffic stop in north Minneapolis early Thursday.

Police said two squad cars had pulled a car over on a routine traffic stop and were parked in the street. Around the same time, another squad car was following the stolen vehicle, driven by 23-year-old Ahmed Mohammed Guled.

[…]

Police said Guled, of St. Paul, sped up and aimed the stolen car at officers in the street. Officers shot at the driver to stop him. The suspect died at the scene. The medical examiner said Guled died from multiple gunshot wounds.

Let’s review, shall we? First, stop and remain motionless. Second, don’t run. Third, police hunt in packs. If you remember these simple, but effective tidbits, they could save your life, and keep you from getting killed by the police.

On a serious note, a witness actually said this:

“It’s ridiculous. Why did they have to do that? They could have shot out his tires or something like that,” he said.

Hey, cocknozzle, this ain’t T.J. frikkin Hooker!

Innocent Child Railroaded by St. Petersburg Police

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , on January 28, 2009 by JumpOut

According to The Suncoast News a poor, mild-mannered, urban youth has been railroaded by the St. Petersburg Police Department.

According to accounts, there has been a rash of convenience store robberies, many ending in shootings, in the St. Pete area. Two undercover detectives observed three young, urbanites minding their own business. It was obvious they were minding their own business due to the the mask and red bandanna two of them were wearing to cover their faces. It’s obvious they were going to a masquerade ball.

The three young men stashed their bikes in an alley across from an Exxon. One of the masquerade party goers stayed behind with the bicycles while the other two entered the Exxon. The clerk, alarmed by the masquerade masks, threw money and a porn DVD at the party goers. This startled the masked revelers, so they picked up the money and DVD and ran out of the store.

At this point, one of the undercover detectives, apparently dressed up as a vampire, grabbed one of the revelers, and possibly uttered “Boo!” One of the masked party goers opened fire on the frightening undercover detective. The detective was hit four times, and is in critical but stable condition. None of his injuries appear to be life threatening.

The young man, James Seay, accused of shooting the detective, whose name will not be released due to the undercoverishness of his work, is, according to his upstanding family members, a good boy who would never do anything like this.

The family of Mr. Seay say the police were wrong. They believe the police are lying, and that James had nothing to do with the incident. They blame the police for not stopping the boys before they entered the store. One family member was overheard to say, “Where is Chief John Anderton when you need him?” They apparently also blame Tom Cruise.

James’ uncle, Rev. Darryl Seay, says James wasn’t raised like that, and that it’s as much the cops fault as it is James’. Rev. Seay also believes James is being verbally and physically abused right now by the police while he’s in jail without bond. He’s right obviously, because he’s a reverend. He’s also an ex-convict, but he apparently found God, so he’s straight. Besides, there is no possible way James could have been raised to be a criminal. Especially since his uncle, his father, and his brother have all done time, and they know that crime doesn’t pay.

The family also said the James was close discovering a procedure for cold fusion, and designs for a combustion engine that works on sunshine and lollipops. He’ll now never achieve his goals of ending the fighting in the Middle East, and ending world hunger.

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Barricaded Subjects

Posted in Criminal Justice, How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts, News, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , , , on October 31, 2008 by JumpOut

Many people read the news everyday, and see people getting killed and maimed by police officers. I’m sure they’re wondering how they can avoid being mauled by roving bands of police officers. Well, I’m here to give you some effective survival techniques that you can use to keep from being injured or killed if faced with rabid police officers on the hunt for blood.

This guy could have used my help. The I could have explained to him that this is the wrong tactic to take:

Clark was shot to death shortly after 8 a.m., after locking himself in a room at the Frontier Motel…

If you find yourself being hunted like a criminal after you do something insigificant, like robbing a Burger King, we already know you shouldn’t run. Nor should you barricade yourself in a room, or building.

Police have a special relationship with barricades. They waste many hours manning them to keep traffic and people out of certain areas. They HATE barricades. They hate barricades more than puppies or rainbows. They kill anyone who makes them man barricades unnecessarily.

If you find yourself unwittingly barricaded in a motel room surrounded by police. You should come out immediately, and play dead. They will lose interest and go away. If you stay barricaded they will start to tease you. It will go something like this:

Police had used several tactics to get Clark to surrender, Pacheco said, including speaking through a bullhorn and penetrating the room with pepper balls, a flash-bang distraction grenade and tear gas.

It’s like when a cat corners a mouse, and swats at it, and toys with it before it kills the mouse. They start off by telling you something like, “Yo momma so fat, when she cuts herself chocolate milk comes out.” When this aggressive verbal taunting doesn’t work, they use their toys to make you run around for their amusement. If you don’t come out, they get tired of messing with you, and make entry.

Finally, if you find yourself unwittingly barricaded in a room surrounded by police, and the police have finished toying with you, DROP THE FREAKIN’ GUN!!!

Police finally blew the door open with a small explosive device, Pacheco said, and police ordered Clark to drop his gun.

Officer John Malovich fired at Clark after he refused to comply with repeated commands to drop the gun.

Another life that could have been saved by reading You Should Be Tasered. Don’t let this happen to you. Read You Should Be Tasered every day to learn how not to get killed by the police.

My Theory On Tattoos…And Stupid Criminals

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, News, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , on October 7, 2008 by JumpOut

I’ve long had a theory that the farther up on one’s body one’s tattoos started, the more likely one was a convicted felon. For instance, a person with a tattoo on their toe is far less likely to be a convicted felon than a person who has a tattoo on their face. I think this guy supports my theory:

Via The Press Association

Aaron Evans, 21, was captured on camera breaking into a police “honeypot” car in Bristol and identified by a tattoo of his surname and date of birth on the side of his neck.

I think my theory may need to be revised to state: The farther up on one’s body their tattoos start, the more likely it is that one is a convicted felon, and an idiot.

You Ever Wonder…

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, News, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , , , on October 6, 2008 by JumpOut

…how those Nigerian e-mail spammers send out so many e-mails? I thought maybe it had something to do with software, or multiple computers, or something so technical my dumb arse could never understand it, but the answer is surprisingly low tech:

Via IC Publications

Case of Nigerian man with 86 wives heads to criminal tribunal

Apparently the way to stop Nigerian e-mail scammers is also surprisingly low tech:

The revelation attracted sharp criticism and indignation from Islamic clerics with the Jama’atu Nasril Islam (JNI), the Nigerian Muslim umbrella body that slammed a fatwa, or death sentence, on Masaba.

You gotta hate it when that happens. For what it’s worth, they haven’t killed the guy. How could you? You gotta respect a guy who has more wives than birthdays. I mean, he’s 84 years old. He’s got to be one hell of a pipe fitter provider.