So You Want to be the Police: Crazy People

Any good law enforcement officer has to learn to deal with crazy people. When I say crazy people, I mean certifiable, paranoid schizophrenic, nutty as a squirrel turd, should be in a nervous hospital (mmm hmmm) but aren’t, people.

It’s a sad fact of life that there are people in this world that have no place in it. Their mind is so broken, they can’t function in normal society. Some of these people have no one to care for them, or at least keep them from unleashing their insanity on the unsuspecting public, and the all too suspecting police.

There are basically three types of crazy people that law enforcement officers deal with. Each type of lunatic requires a specific approach to dealing with them. This post will cover the three types, and the most effective method in dealing with each one.

The first and most benign type of lunatic is the friendly crazy person that just wants some company. In this line of work, you can never drop your guard, but this person probably isn’t going to hurt anyone. Typically they call the police with some sort of odd request. Something like they have a spider in their house, or someone is stealing the water from their ditch.

The most effective way to deal with this person is to listen to what they have to say. Nod your head understandingly. Do the best you can to keep that “WTF” look off your face. Assure them you’ll look in to their complaint, and do whatever you can (read: nothing). If you’re bored, and want to have a few laughs while simultaneously doing a good job of resolving their problems, string them along a bit. I know it sounds cruel, but it can be funny, and make them feel better. When they start telling you about the dream they had of the love of their life having sex with a porn star, ask questions. Questions like “who was the love of your life” or “who was the porn star.”

What you should not do is appear disinterested.You should avoid questions like “What are you, crazy?” and “Do I look like I give a fuck?” Most importantly, when they are recounting the dream about the love of their life getting banged by a porn star, and they get to the part about waking up “playing with themselves” don’t let them see you laughing.

The next type of crazy person is the incoherent rambler. This is the guy that is so far gone there is no reasoning with them. They will go from babbling gibberish to screaming wildly about nothing in the drop of a hat. You will usually come across them wandering aimlessly in traffic, or running through a neighborhood covered in their own shit. They are dangerous, but that is obvious. It is the obviousness of the threat they pose that makes them less dangerous than type number three which we will discuss in a moment.

There are only a few options in dealing with this person. If you can make contact with a concerned family member, hopefully they can come take this problem off your hands. If you can’t get in contact with a family member, you’re going to need a taser, and a water hose. It could also help if you can bring a food offering of some kind to your local correctional officers. They are not going to be happy with you.

Finally, you have the most dangerous crazy person. This is the crazy person that can seem normal but in a moments notice become agitated and start acting like Karl Childers on meth. Dealing with these fuckers is like putting a snake in your underwear, there just isn’t a safe way to do it. The only advice I can give, is be polite, have your head on a swivel, and do not hesitate to inflict blinding pain or death on this fucker if you have to. What you should never do is turn your back on Karl over there, or you might end up with a kaiser blade (some folks call it a slingblade, I call it a kaiser blade) embedded in your skull.

Feel free to print this handy dandy little guide and keep it in your unit for reference. It could save your life one day…or it could get you in trouble too if the brass is overly PC. On second thought, just commit it memory. Come back next time boys and girls where Uncle JumpOut will teach you all about strippers, and their role in law enforcement.


10 Responses to “So You Want to be the Police: Crazy People”

  1. Outstanding series.

    “Dealing with these fuckers is like putting a snake in your underwear, there just isn’t a safe way to do it.”

    Best line I have ever heard.

  2. Just think…they all have been in high school at some point. We point out the crazy ones to their parents and they threaten to sue.

    Thanks for the tips. Wish I could carry a tazer. 🙂

  3. Murder Prosecutor Says:

    I actually have a hat I made from tin foil in my office so that when the 24’s come to the major case division saying that “Aliens have implanted their dog” or “Elvis and the CIA are monitoring their movements via sattellite” I can give it to them and tell them to wear it to block the radio waves from their brain. I’ve lost three of those hats to crazy people. Seriously.

    Of course, I then tell them to go see their U.S. Attorney about the problem…mainly because I hate the feds and they have nothing better to do.

  4. MP, any of your crazies ever talk about a “clam boat”?

  5. tazer proof Says:

    Riding the Shortbus wrapped in Reynolds wrap as we speak

  6. Murder Prosecutor Says:

    never got the “clam boat” line before…sounds like something I once got drunk and paid for when I was stationed in the P.I.

  7. Funny. I was wondering because it seems our crazies tend to have the same delusions. I figured if your crazies had the same delusions as our crazies, maybe they aren’t the ones that are crazy.

  8. […] I know I promised an article on strippers and their role in law enforcement, but I need to do some more research. I promise I’ll get that one to you […]

  9. I think I married the third type.

  10. […] of crazy, we should be able to put you down like a rabid dog. Once you exhibit symptoms of being a dangerous crazy person, the responding officers should be able to just end it, right there, for the sake of the community. […]

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