So You Want to be the Police: Child Psychology

Law enforcement officers wear many hats. From traffic control to shooting stupid people, we are expected to be able to fix any problem. Sometimes people ask us to do things that are utterly impossible.

Let’s say you are a single mother. Your career path has been mainly exotic dancing up to this point. Let’s also say you have a fourteen year old daughter that you leave with your mother every night when you go to work at the local exposed breast establishment. How could you possibly be pissed when you come home and find your fourteen year old angel screwing an eighteen year old member of the Future Felons of America? You’ve taught that child all she knows, yet you refuse to look in the mirror and accept any responsibility for your daughters behavior. How could you possibly expect your daughter to respect you when you don’t respect yourself. What do you think the police can do to fix your situation?

For you aspiring police officers out there, you will be faced with this situation, and others similar to it. Here are a few pieces of advice when dealing with the “I can’t control my kid” episode of Maury:

  • Unass the call as quickly as possible. Any time spent trying to resolve the situation is probably a waste.
  • Make sure the “out of control” teenager’s parents know that it is perfectly okay to beat the shit of the kid.
  • If the “out of control” teenager gives you the slightest opportunity to defend yourself, take it, and make it count. It might be the only ass whipping they get.
  • Nothing you say to the little shit will make a dent.
  • You can’t fix in an hour what it took fourteen years for somebody to screw up.
  • Remember the kid’s face, name, and date of birth. It will come in handy when writing that armed robbery warrant later.

Remember, it’s a jungle out there. Except we’ve outsmarted Darwin. We do everything we can to keep stupid people from dying. That means there are more stupid people breeding, and their stupid offspring have a greater chance of growing up. It’s the slow death of the human race, but it means job security.

Sorry, I know I promised an article on strippers and their role in law enforcement, but I need to do some more research. I promise I’ll get that one to you soon.


9 Responses to “So You Want to be the Police: Child Psychology”

  1. I’m not so much bothered by the stupid people breeding as I am of them voting.

  2. powdergirl Says:

    Iike how one of the “possibly related posts” for this one is
    “Party planning for kids-do you go all out”
    What would ‘all out’ be for a kid like that?

  3. Taser. Definitely Taser.

  4. tazer proof Says:

    I think it’s a full Moon or was a day or so ago. Just inform them of the “full moon factor” and that everything will get back to normal for them in a day or so.
    Maybe have some bogus MOON CONTROL leaflets and self help BS to hand out on the effects of moon control. With a little time and contemplation you could probably come up with some pretty “buyable” BS for all the hopelessly stupid. Soon as they look releived to find out why they are so hopelessly F###ed up,, you hall ass. Then of course you gotta have some BS for the days between full moons. Good luck on that I’m tapped for now.

  5. Somebody really needs to invent a multi-shot taser for families.

  6. Already have it. Taser Shockwave: Imagine claymore mines, but with tasers.

    Whe you absolutely, positively have to taze every motherfucker in the room, accept n substitutes.

  7. As long as your “research” isnt banging strippers. I know of a couple of co-workers (read fools) who are doing some of that “research” as we speak.

  8. Those bastards are trying to steal my research grant money! I’ll have to redouble my efforts!

  9. Never screw someone crazier than you are. A rule to live by.

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