Archive for Bailout Bill

The State of Me Since Passage of the Bailout Bill

Posted in Humor, News, Politics with tags , , on October 11, 2008 by JumpOut

My ass still hurts, but on the bright side, the bleeding has stopped. I think’s ass may still be bleeding though.


War of the Streets

Posted in Humor, Politics with tags , , on October 7, 2008 by JumpOut

In a shocking display of technological might, Wall Street was disintegrated by an earth shattering kaboom from a Martian Illudium Pu-36 Explosive Space Modulator. There were no survivors.

In response to the massive loss, Washington politicians from both sides of the aisle came together to formulate a bipartisan bill to stop the Martian threat from spreading to Main Street. The bill authorizes Secretary of the Treasury, Henry Paulson, to print $700 billion dollars, stuff it into a burlap sack, and throw it at the Martians.

Some legislators opposed to the bill feel the bill is inadequate to prevent future disintegrations. Senator David Vitter (R, LA) said, “HELLO!! Idiots, there are freakin’ Martians blowing shit up, and all you want to do is throw money at them?!” A proponent of the bill, Representative Barney Frank (D, MA) was contacted for comment, but we couldn’t understand anything he said.

In an attempt to thwart opposition to the bill, Senators added provisions for all the legislators to take a portion of the money in the sack for themselves before it is hurled at the Martians. The bill passed unanimously.

To document any fallout from the Martian threat, Jim Cantore was dispatched to Main Street. We will keep you up to date on any future developments.

Affixing Blame for the Financial Collapse

Posted in News, Politics, Stupid Criminals with tags , , on October 6, 2008 by JumpOut

The Mighty Emperor has ordered these videos be viewed far and wide. Since I am not one to buck the Emperor, here are some videos showing the Republicans’ quest to rein in Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. Enjoy!

While I tend to be of the mind that everyone in Washington D.C. is to blame for the financial collapse, at least the Republicans tried to do something. I think our problem has more to do with the allowing of idiots to vote than with the politicians. .

George W. Bush to Seek Third Term

Posted in Humor, Politics with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 2, 2008 by JumpOut

Today, President George W. Bush requested a third term as President. Citing the “financifical crisis” causing this major “functification” in the market he changed his earlier support of the Twenty-second Amendment to the US Constitution.

Longtime enemy, and screeching moonbat, Senator Hillary Clinton(D,NY) said that on Friday the US Senate would propose an amendment to the amendment amending the term limits the amendment places on the office of president. She said she was never a fan of the US Constitution, but warned she has not taken an official position on amending the amendment.

“This is in no way a shady, conniving, conspiracy to stifle the voice of the voting public,” Sen. Clinton said. “Each member will have to vote on the ammendification legalities on their own. We just hope they’ll do what’s best for the voting public regardless of how many voters would rather be ass-raped than have this syphilitic penis of a law crammed down their throats, and in no way have I been talking to the President behind closed doors making this deal.”

Both Senators John McCain (R, AZ) and Barrack Obama (D, IL) agree that the bleeding must stop. They both said they “tepidly supported” amending the amendment, and while both usually revile anything associated with the Bush Administration, they have found common ground with the Bush Administration on this one thing.

Political Analyst, Pete O. File, said he found it funny that so many people that are political enemies would agree on this legislation. He was then taken to the Naval Base at Guantanamo Bay for re-education.

New York Mayor, Michael Bloomberg, commented, “I am so pissed off. That monkey stole my idea!”

Joe Biden Interview

Posted in Humor, Politics with tags , , , , , , , on September 29, 2008 by JumpOut

Well folks, I have just finished my interview with Senator Biden. He was very cordial, and never once made fun of my IQ. It was a rather lengthy discussion that covered everything from the financial crisis to American History. Read the interview below the fold.

Continue reading