How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Defensive Driving

We all know that police officers are like dogs. Not that they’re loyal and protective. It’s that they like to chase moving cars. Indeed many random police attacks have taken place during these mindless romps through the streets.

If you are a motorist concerned about how to keep this from happening to you, I have a few suggestions. Remember, if you see wild police officers chasing you in your moving vehicle, stop immediately. Police officers are an ancient species, and their eyesight only detects movement. Pull your vehicle over, and remain motionless. Eventually they will lose interest, and probably not kill you. If you run, they’ll only chase you down and kill you.

Police officers are pack hunters. They like to work in groups. Generally, if wild police officers are chasing your moving vehicle, there are likely police officers up ahead waiting to ambush your moving vehicle with crude strips filled with hollow spikes, or guns. Again, you must stop and remain motionless.

Let’s say, for example, you are cautiously driving your vehicle on the wide open road. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, wild police officers start chasing your car. Frightened, you speed up, hoping to outmaneuver them and their primitive intellect. Up ahead, you see more flashing lights, an indication that there is another group of wild police officers up ahead. If you continue to drive into the group of police officers, they will shoot and kill you.

Here’s another example of an uneducated citizen who refused to read How Not to Get Killed by the Police. KSTP-TV reports:

A man is dead after police shot him as he drove a stolen car toward officers at a traffic stop in north Minneapolis early Thursday.

Police said two squad cars had pulled a car over on a routine traffic stop and were parked in the street. Around the same time, another squad car was following the stolen vehicle, driven by 23-year-old Ahmed Mohammed Guled.

[…]

Police said Guled, of St. Paul, sped up and aimed the stolen car at officers in the street. Officers shot at the driver to stop him. The suspect died at the scene. The medical examiner said Guled died from multiple gunshot wounds.

Let’s review, shall we? First, stop and remain motionless. Second, don’t run. Third, police hunt in packs. If you remember these simple, but effective tidbits, they could save your life, and keep you from getting killed by the police.

On a serious note, a witness actually said this:

“It’s ridiculous. Why did they have to do that? They could have shot out his tires or something like that,” he said.

Hey, cocknozzle, this ain’t T.J. frikkin Hooker!

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8 Responses to “How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Defensive Driving”

  1. The witness remark makes me want to hurt something, repeatedly.

    I do not see how you guys do the job. I’m afraid I’d throw up my hands and say “F all y’all and the horses you rode in on. You’re on your own.”.

  2. The stupid meter just keeps on climbing.
    Adds another page to the “How not to” manual. At this rate, it’s going to be epic novel size by the time you’re done.

  3. USA_Admiral Says:

    What fun is it shooting at tires anyway? I would rather see something flopping around a screaming. The entertainment value is better.

  4. Couldnt they have Tasered the guy or something?

  5. Of course they could have tasered him, but you know as well as I do, that it does absolutely no good to taser a dead guy.

  6. snigsspot Says:

    Admiral’s reply nearly got me in trouble at work. I was unable to answer the phone for several minutes because I was laughing too much.

  7. […] Best Comments Left on a Blog This Week- February 6, 2009 at 10:50 pm | In Snigs BS | USA Admiral on You Should Be Tasered: […]

  8. Next, they’ll be accused of profiling.

Comments are closed.

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