Archive for January, 2009

Law Enforcement Humor: Point of Clarification

Posted in Linky Love with tags , on January 18, 2009 by JumpOut

I have a pretty good idea of who my regular commenters are, but I have lots of readers that don’t comment. I have no clue who those people are. I would assume (dangerous, I know) that some of the hits are people looking for serious law enforcement information that somehow stumbled upon this law enforcement humor site.

This site is about humor, not information. My posts may contain some valid information, but most of it is just me trying to make you laugh. If that’s not what you’re looking for, I apologize.

Being the benevolent oppression technician that I am, I am here to help. If you want solid law enforcement information and issues, I have two great links for you:

The Things Worth Believing In – You may have seen some of tgace’s comments around here. He covers everything from law enforcement issues to martial arts, to the philosophy of warriorship. He even has some funny sprinkled in there. If serious info is what you’re after, that’s where it’s at.

Spartan Cops – These guys have put together a blog that centers around law enforcement use of force topics. They have tons of great links, and posts that will scratch your itch for serious law enforcement information. Well, yeah, I did find them through The Things Worth Believing In, but that’s beside the point. Just go there and learn stuff, damn it.

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Law Enforcement Facts: Don’t Be A Victim

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts, Stupid Criminals with tags , on January 14, 2009 by JumpOut

During the police academy, and throughout a law enforcement career, cops hear that “…it’s never the victim’s fault.” Anyone that has done this job long enough knows sometimes it is the victim’s fault. Not always, and some victims bear less fault than others, but there are definite instances where the blame falls squarely on the victim. It could be that these “victims” have just never been educated in how not to be a victim. This post will serve as a quick familiarization in how not to be a victim for those that are naive, stupid, or actually trying to be victimized.

Rule number one: Always be aware of your surroundings. You’d be surprised how many crimes could be prevented if this simple rule was followed. If you find yourself in an area with groups of shady looking entrepreneurs whose office is their driveway, or the street corner, find the nearest point of egress and exit stage left. Failure to follow this rule doesn’t necessarily mean it was your fault that you got robbed, but following this rule will definitely reduce the chances that you are a victim. Sometimes these types of places can’t be avoided. Then again if you are there to buy drugs, steal drugs, or engage in some other nefarious activity you deserve the ass whooping.

Rule number two: In God we trust, all others pay cash. Don’t trust anybody you don’t know. We had a lot of this after the storms. People would go door to door in damaged neighborhoods saying they were roofers looking to fix your roof for low, low prices. If you hired one of these yayhoos, and got your shit stolen or your roof is jacked up, it’s your fault. You let your greed get the best of you, and you did something stupid. Most of these shitbags are from out of town, and will be gone before you even realize your shit was stolen. Always use reputable, licensed companies or individuals for major home repairs. Don’t hire joe-shit the crackhead to work on your house. If he actually does the work you hired him for, you will be missing some lawn tools, or jewelry, or other miscellaneous items that are easily traded for crack.

Rule number three: If you are in a bad situation (i.e. your life recently seems like an episode of Jerry Springer) unass it. For instance, if you slept with some guy, and it all ended in restraining orders and jail time, sleeping with his step-father will likely have a sad ending as well. Or, if your husband beat your ass, and you had him arrested, when he shows up to get his crap and leave, don’t sabotage his vehicle so it won’t start. Let him go!

Rule number four: If you don’t regularly carry a gun, and you decide to go somewhere and before you leave you think: “I should bring a gun with me”, don’t freaking go! For the sake of argument, let’s say some guy stole some prescription medication from you. You thought this guy was a friend, so you decide to go confront him about it. When you get ready to leave you think to yourself, “I probably ought to bring a gun for protection.” That situation is going to end badly. You’re going to get killed, or arrested.

Rule number five: Always pay your drug dealer. If you want to live that lifestyle, you should be aware that drug dealers are all about their paper. They don’t like you, or care what happens to you. They want their money, bitch. Pay them, or they will beat the shit out of you, or kill you. Guess what, that’s your fault.

I hope this list has been helpful to you. While police officers do all they can to prevent crime, they can’t be everywhere. You should always do what you can to protect yourself. Don’t be an easy target, and don’t associate with persons of questionable repute. Stay safe out there.

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Be Aware of How You Look

Posted in How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , , on January 6, 2009 by JumpOut

Today in our recurring instructional series How Not to Get Killed by the Police, we’ll be looking into the way your appearance affects the mood of the animals in blue.Through exhaustive study we have come to the conclusion that your appearance, i.e. what you’re wearing, how you present yourself, etc. have a strong effect on the behaviors of feral hordes of police officers. Certain clothing items and accessories have more profound effects than others.

There is a common misconception that body piercings and certain haircuts can set off wild police officers, but this is simply not the case. Most police officers are no more than mildly amused by foolish looking jewelry and hair. A vintage Nazi uniform accessorized by what is most likely a functioning Mauser rifle, on the other hand, will most likely send police officers in the area into a shooting frenzy. To significantly increase your chances of being killed in a shooting frenzy by untamed police officers, make sure your Mauser rifle is loaded with blanks and be sure to fire it in the vicinity of any feral police officers you may find.

MSNBC makes our point:

Murphy was University of Washington honor student and musician. He was a history buff who often wore vintage uniforms and collected WWII memorabilia, including a vintage German infantry rifle.

Early on New Years Day, police were called to the University District where Murphy had been firing blanks into the air to celebrate.

“He was holding the rifle in both hands. He pointed the rifle in their direction,” said Seattle Police Chief Gil Kerlikowske Friday.

Police Murphy refused several orders to drop the weapon.

“We hear, ‘Sir put the gun down. Don’t reach for anything. Don’t move. Put the gun down.’ Really shouting loud, shouting quick,” said Mark Kedziora, Murphy’s housemate.

“He raised the rifle and pointed it at them, and then briefly lowered it. He raised it again,” said Kerlikowske.

Two officers shot Murphy several times and he died at a hospital.

Apparently he had not been keeping up with our extensive research here at You Should Be Tasered. Had he been a regular reader this tragedy may not have befallen him. So tune in regularly boys and girls, so you can learn How Not to Get Killed by the Police.

Roll Tide, Roll, Around the Bowl and Down the Hole

Posted in Sports with tags , , , , on January 3, 2009 by JumpOut

If there were ever an illustration of why there should be a College Football Playoff System, it was last night. The mighty Crimson Tide of Alabama, a team that was ranked number one in the country until being beaten by Florida in the SEC championship game, was not just beaten, but taken to the woodshed like crimson-haired step-children by upstart Utah. Utah finishes the season unbeaten.

Let make sure you understand, I in no way think Utah could win the National Championship if they got a shot at it. I think last night was a fluke, and was a product of overconfidence, and a team not taking their opponent seriously. With that said, Utah deserves a shot at the title. It’s an injustice that the current system won’t even let Utah sniff the crystal ball. It’s a travesty, and it disgusts me as a college football fan.

It almost disgusts me as much as Alabama’s performance last night. For that embarrassment, they should be kicked out of the SEC. We should trade them to the PAC 10 for USC, or to the Sun Mountain Eastern Unicorn conference (or whatever the hell it is) for Utah.

To Lou Holtz

Posted in Sports, Uncategorized with tags , , , on January 1, 2009 by JumpOut

Fuck you. Geaux Tigers. Thatisall.

Law Enforcement Facts: Taser Myths

Posted in Humor, Law Enforcement Facts with tags , , , , , on January 1, 2009 by JumpOut

You know, Christmas Day I was out in the street, tasering my children, my neighbors children, and some neighborhood cats that have crappy owners. Good times. Until my neighbor came out and was all like, “Hey, quit tasering my kids, that’s 50,000 Volts you’re playing with.” Well, I tased him too. Then it got me to thinking, there really are a lot of taser myths out there, and maybe it’s time an expert such as I dispel some of those myths.

  • 50,000 Volts!!! – While 50,000 Volts is the peak, open air arcing voltage of a Taser, once the charge actually enters the body its voltage is reduced to approximately 1200 Volts. In laymen’s terms that means you should quit being such a pussy when I tase your kids for my own entertainment.
  • Police officers use tasers to obtain false confessions – This is simply not the case. We do not use tasers to coerce false confessions. We only use tasers for comedic purposes, and any confession obtained is totally not intended and 100% accurate.
  • Tasers kill people – Tasers don’t kill people, stupidity does. If you decide to go on a two week meth bender, run through the streets naked, and fight the police, you might die when tased. Sorry for your luck. On second thought, I’m not sorry.
  • Tasers are a replacement for lethal force – Law enforcement training stresses that a taser should be used in a lethal force encounter only when lethal force cover is present. All you need to know about this one is we will still shoot your ass.
  • There have been studies that conclude tasers are bad – This one is actually true. There have been studies that conclude tasers are bad, m’kay. However, these studies were conducted by organizations that are filled with grubby, stinking, hippies that are just tired of getting tased at their anti-war rallies. Those studies suck, and are no more accurate than Michael J. Fox and Muhammad Ali playing each other in darts.

I hope this list has helped clear up some of your misconceptions about tasers. Tasers are a great tool for law enforcement and provide hours of laughs on You Tube. Remember, tasers are not to be feared unless you’re a shit-bag criminal, or a dirty hippie.