Archive for November, 2008

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Playing in Traffic

Posted in Criminal Justice, How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts with tags , , , , on November 12, 2008 by JumpOut

Welcome once again to the recurring informational series: How Not to Get Killed by the Police.

We all know how dangerous roving bands of rabid policeman can be. By reading this series you can greatly reduce the chances of being killed or seriously injured if you happen, or mishappen as the case may be, upon these dangerous, mindless creatures.

Apparently rabid police officers are overcome by a murderous rage if you happen to frolic in traffic. While we’re not sure how this uncontrollable anger has developed from an evolutionary standpoint, we are certain that playing in traffic is a surefire way to draw the ire of any roaming police officers in the area.

This next story from STLtoday.com is a perfect example of police becoming violent when they see someone having fun wandering in traffic:

By Leah Thorsen
ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
11/12/2008

Collinsville — Police officers on Tuesday shot and killed a roaming ram and ewe because authorities feared the animals would cause a crash, said Police Chief Scott Williams.

The animals had been spotted crossing Illinois Route 157 in recent weeks, Williams said. “We deemed them to be dangerous,” he said. “They were running in and out of traffic.”

Apparently these innocent, snuggley, little sheep were out frolicking in their natural habitat, the road, when the rabid police officers gunned them down in a hail of bullets. This senseless death prompted one hippie to say:

“There was no reason to shoot and kill them,” she said. “They could have tranquilized them.”

Because we all know that all police officers carry tranquilizer guns on their duty belt. I never leave home without mine. The idea that a cute, loveable, ball of wool could be a danger to the big, mean, policemen is laughable at best.

So, let this be a lesson. If you happen to find yourself playing in traffic, the police may just shoot ewe. [insert rimshot and canned laughter here]

Police Training and Blogging

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts with tags , , , on November 11, 2008 by JumpOut

Sorry I haven’t been writing much, lately. Work has sorta interfered with this important shit. I had to work late Saturday and Sunday, and I have been in training AAAAALLLLLL DDDDAAAAYYYY! Granted, it was fun training, but it was AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL DDDDDDDDAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!

I will get you some new law enforcement humor and political satire soon. For now, let me just tell you about my AAAAAALLLLLLL DDDDDDDDAAAAAAAYYYYYYY training.

It all started around 0730 hrs. with a pursuit driving refresher. There aren’t many things in this world more fun than taking a police interceptor crown vic and pushing it to it’s limits. Well, except maybe making fun of your coworkers as they have a hard time grasping the technique. You know, doing stuff like driving with two feet, steering with body english, and generally committing genocide against the orange plastic cone population.

See, the course is set up like this: A shit load of cones in a small parking lot. There is actually a course, but until you get it figured out, it looks like a sea of orange cones that were placed by an epileptic chihuahua. Some people have a really hard time figuring out where to go which prompts them to massacre the poor defenseless orange cones. This senseless act of violence then prompts responses from the instructors like, “The child you just killed was small, but he had a twin brother, so it’s alright” or “You know there are plenty of employment opportunities in the jail.” Good times all around.

That finished up around 1330 hrs. Then a brief break to go eat, and relax until 1800 hrs. when it was time for shooting in the dark. Shooting in the dark is always fun because it’s shooting, and it’s dark. While I shot a 93 out of 96, others were not so lucky. In every class there are always those old guys that were on the road 30 years ago or whatever, and that are now relegated to court room security, or some other less than law enforcement capacity because they are politically connected or whatever. Those cats are interesting. There’s nothing like the sparks of bullets ricocheting off cement in the dark. You know, the cement 4 yards in front of the target.

Finally, it was time for whoop ass. Tonight’s menu consisted of shrimp. Not the kind you eat, but the maneuver used to avoid being mounted while on your back causing carpet burns all across the small of your back. A very helpful tool to have, especially if the phrase “I don’t get down like that” doesn’t work. I’m not so sure it could protect you from an overly-amorous Royce Gracie, but it works on other cops. Then on to escaping from choke holds and headlocks. Basically, it was two hours of me and friends throwing each other on the floor repeatedly. What better way to say “I appreciate your friendship” than putting your buddy in a chokehold, and letting him slam you to floor.

It all ended around 2130 hrs. Needless to say, I’m tired, and sore. I’ll be going to bed soon. As soon as I stop rambling incoherently from fatigue. I like Corn Pops. Did you know if you sneak up on an armadillo, and kick it, it jumps about four feet in the air? This one time, I got a weedeater, a live chicken, a nine iron, and a naked woman and…*yawn*

Wolverines!

Posted in Linky Love with tags on November 8, 2008 by JumpOut

Are you sick moderates liberal Republicans ruining our party? Do you want to catch the GOP by the neck and drag them to the right? Then boy have I got a website for you!

The Republican Underground: The insurgency starts now!

Racism Markets Crash in Anticipation of Obama Presidency

Posted in Humor, Politics with tags , , , , , , on November 6, 2008 by JumpOut

On November 4, 2008, Barack Obama was elected President of the United States. November 6, 2008, the Racism Stock Market has crashed to record lows.

Businesses that profit from racism are reeling today with the election of Barack Obama. Drastic cut backs are closing the doors to branch offices of the Rainbow-Push Coalition, National Action Network, and the NAACP among others. Massive layoffs have left many race-pimps without jobs.

Quanel Shabazz Lamumbo, a community organizer with Blacks and Underprivileged Minorities (BUM) says that he’ll have to cut back on Christmas Spending this year with the Race Industry in the tank. “Man, we used to be able to tell whitey how his great-great-great grandparents owned slaves and he’d feel so bad he’d give us money. Now that whitey has elected a brotha for president, they ain’t buyin’ that bullshit no more.”

The Right Reverend Dr. Jesse Sharpton of the Black African-American Association (BAAA) claims that donations from black supporters are down as well. “Brothas feel like that since a black man is the president, they’ve reached the pinnacle. We can’t convince them that honkies are keeping them down. They are no longer willing to blindly support us.”

This slow-down in donations and racial division has prompted the Congressional Black Caucus to call for a bailout of the racism industry. In a speech on the floor of the US House of Representatives, Rep. Chaka Fattah (D, PA) said, “We cannot rescue Wall Street while Martin Luther King Blvd. suffers.”

Some Americans reject the bailout as a “continuation of flawed policies that have divided this country for too long.” There is a small group of Republicans in the House of Representatives that say they will fight the bailout package, but most experts believe they’ll either be guilted into supporting the bailout by being called racists, or bought off by pork-barrel projects included in whatever legislation is proposed.

This could be the worst racism economy since the market’s inception. Many fear it will only get worse before it gets better.

Taser Saves Mule Deer

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts, News with tags , , , on November 5, 2008 by JumpOut

Don’t you just hate it when a deer gets its antlers tangled in your rope swing? I know I sure do. The poor thing runs around in circles until it breaks its own neck, or is shot by an opportunistic hunter. It’s an unfortunate situation.

You may be thinking, “JumpOut, there must be a better way to free a deer from a rope swing that doesn’t kill the deer.” Missoula County Sheriffs Deputies have found a safe and humane, yet funny in a Schadenfreude kinda way to free deer from rope swings.

Deputies taser mule deer

Missoula County sheriff’s deputies turned a Taser on a mule deer buck Tuesday in order to free the animal from a rope swing near Lolo.

“We were able to avoid having to euthanize it, so it worked out pretty well,” said Lt. Rich Maricelli.

While I am sure I would prefer to shoot the deer and then eat him, I am also sensitive to law enforcement concerns of traumatizing the little old lady that may have discovered a deer in her rope swing. So remember boys and girls, if you find a deer tangled in your rope swing use the taser. If you use it enough, you won’t have to cook the deer later.

Barrack Obama: Of the People, By the People, For the People, Chapter 4

Posted in Barrack Obama Biography, Humor, Politics with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 5, 2008 by JumpOut

As teh Messiah spake, the crowds gathered. They gathered in great multitudes in the cities and towns to hear teh One speak of redemption. They chanted and prayed. They cheered and hugged. They performed fellatio on each other to congratulate themselves on the monumental accomplishment of ending white guilt.

At the appointed time, at the appointed place, Barrack stood before the cheering multitudes. He said, “Can we make Amerikkka a better nation?” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!” Obama said, “Can we hope for change?” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!” The Most Merciful One On High said, “Can we defeat the forces of evil, and unite the world?” The crowd chanted “YES WE CAN!” Teh Messiah said, “Do you want salvation from the sins of your ancestors?” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!” Barrack said, “I’ll tell you how!” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!”

As the crowd continued to chant, “YES WE CAN!” the evil honkey McCraker was brought out before the crowd. McCracker had been trying to seize power over Amerikka and was the only obstacle left to prevent teh Messiah’s ascendancy.

Teh Messiah said, “Can we get rid of this white devil?” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!” And with that, McCracker was tossed into the writhing, frenzied, crowd. McCracker then joined in, “YES WE CAN!”

Barrack then said, “Can you make me your leader?” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!” Barrack said, “Then I absolve you of the sins of your ancestors. Go forth and sin no more.” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!”

As the crowd continued to chant, “YES WE CAN!” Lord Obama gave a speech in celebration and acceptance of this monumental occasion. He said, “Amerikkka better have my money come rain sleet or snow. That bitch better have my money. Not some, not half, but all my cash. Because if she don’t, I’m gonna put my foot dead in her ass.”

The crowd chanted: “YES WE CAN

YES WE CAN

YES WE CAN

YES WE CAN!!!!1!1one!”

This has been part four of the Biography of Barrack Obama brought to you by ACORN, mind numbed sycophants, and Flyguy You can read the other chapters here.

The Barackolypse?

Posted in Linky Love with tags , , , , , on November 5, 2008 by JumpOut

Go forth to Conservative Political Humor and Satire by Radioactive Liberty and view the prophecy of what is to come.

It’s Like the Zoo

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on November 5, 2008 by JumpOut

Go make fun of this comment! Ridicule the pooh-flinging monkey!

Some people would say giving someone like this more attention is just what they want. I don’t care, it’s fun to point and laugh at a pooh-flinging monkey.

Obama Wins!!!!

Posted in Uncategorized on November 5, 2008 by JumpOut

To my fellow ten percenters out there: WOLVERINES!!!

See you in the camps.

They See Me Roll on, My Segway!

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts, News, Politics, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , , on November 3, 2008 by JumpOut

San Jose Police Officers to get White N Nerdy!

I would so freakin’ quit!

San Jose police officers will be patrolling downtown in some new wheels. But not a car or a motorcycle. They’ll be riding Segways.

Only in Cali-friggin-fornia. So what does the dip-shit police chief have to say for himself?

Police Chief Rob Davis says the two-wheeled motorized scooters will make officers more visible and approachable in the downtown entertainment zone.

Heh, visible, approachable, and laughable.

“We have found that at the airport, people seem to like coming up to officers and engage them in conversation,” Police Chief Rob Davis said. “It seems to break down a barrier.”

Unfortunately most of those conversations start like this: So uh, you gonna give me your lunch money today, or do you need another wedgie?

“To be able to scoot along without having to rely on patrol cars just seems to make a lot of sense,” Davis said.

Maybe, but enticing people to try to beat up police officers for their lunch money doesn’t. The day my department gets taken over by hippies like this is the day I turn in my badge for good. God damned dirty stinkin’ hippies.