Archive for Law Enforcement Humor

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Defensive Driving

Posted in How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor with tags , , , , , on February 5, 2009 by JumpOut

We all know that police officers are like dogs. Not that they’re loyal and protective. It’s that they like to chase moving cars. Indeed many random police attacks have taken place during these mindless romps through the streets.

If you are a motorist concerned about how to keep this from happening to you, I have a few suggestions. Remember, if you see wild police officers chasing you in your moving vehicle, stop immediately. Police officers are an ancient species, and their eyesight only detects movement. Pull your vehicle over, and remain motionless. Eventually they will lose interest, and probably not kill you. If you run, they’ll only chase you down and kill you.

Police officers are pack hunters. They like to work in groups. Generally, if wild police officers are chasing your moving vehicle, there are likely police officers up ahead waiting to ambush your moving vehicle with crude strips filled with hollow spikes, or guns. Again, you must stop and remain motionless.

Let’s say, for example, you are cautiously driving your vehicle on the wide open road. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, wild police officers start chasing your car. Frightened, you speed up, hoping to outmaneuver them and their primitive intellect. Up ahead, you see more flashing lights, an indication that there is another group of wild police officers up ahead. If you continue to drive into the group of police officers, they will shoot and kill you.

Here’s another example of an uneducated citizen who refused to read How Not to Get Killed by the Police. KSTP-TV reports:

A man is dead after police shot him as he drove a stolen car toward officers at a traffic stop in north Minneapolis early Thursday.

Police said two squad cars had pulled a car over on a routine traffic stop and were parked in the street. Around the same time, another squad car was following the stolen vehicle, driven by 23-year-old Ahmed Mohammed Guled.

[...]

Police said Guled, of St. Paul, sped up and aimed the stolen car at officers in the street. Officers shot at the driver to stop him. The suspect died at the scene. The medical examiner said Guled died from multiple gunshot wounds.

Let’s review, shall we? First, stop and remain motionless. Second, don’t run. Third, police hunt in packs. If you remember these simple, but effective tidbits, they could save your life, and keep you from getting killed by the police.

On a serious note, a witness actually said this:

“It’s ridiculous. Why did they have to do that? They could have shot out his tires or something like that,” he said.

Hey, cocknozzle, this ain’t T.J. frikkin Hooker!

Law Enforcement Facts: I’m Here To Help

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, Law Enforcement Facts with tags , , , on February 4, 2009 by JumpOut

UPDATED

Have you ever found yourself sitting at home contemplating the mysteries of the universe? Have you ever found yourself wondering, “How could I go about getting kicked in the face by a police officer?” Wonder no more, I’m here to help!

The following list are things you can do to greatly increase your chances of getting kicked in the face by a police officer:

  • Run
  • Tell a police officer that he can’t arrest you in your own house
  • Make one more donut joke
  • If you’re a cop, buy donuts in uniform (Well, you may not actually get kicked, but you will be ridiculed which is probably worse)
  • Make your fifth false rape report
  • Beat up your elderly mother

I hope that clears things up for you. Thanks for visiting, and have a nice day.

Innocent Child Railroaded by St. Petersburg Police

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , on January 28, 2009 by JumpOut

According to The Suncoast News a poor, mild-mannered, urban youth has been railroaded by the St. Petersburg Police Department.

According to accounts, there has been a rash of convenience store robberies, many ending in shootings, in the St. Pete area. Two undercover detectives observed three young, urbanites minding their own business. It was obvious they were minding their own business due to the the mask and red bandanna two of them were wearing to cover their faces. It’s obvious they were going to a masquerade ball.

The three young men stashed their bikes in an alley across from an Exxon. One of the masquerade party goers stayed behind with the bicycles while the other two entered the Exxon. The clerk, alarmed by the masquerade masks, threw money and a porn DVD at the party goers. This startled the masked revelers, so they picked up the money and DVD and ran out of the store.

At this point, one of the undercover detectives, apparently dressed up as a vampire, grabbed one of the revelers, and possibly uttered “Boo!” One of the masked party goers opened fire on the frightening undercover detective. The detective was hit four times, and is in critical but stable condition. None of his injuries appear to be life threatening.

The young man, James Seay, accused of shooting the detective, whose name will not be released due to the undercoverishness of his work, is, according to his upstanding family members, a good boy who would never do anything like this.

The family of Mr. Seay say the police were wrong. They believe the police are lying, and that James had nothing to do with the incident. They blame the police for not stopping the boys before they entered the store. One family member was overheard to say, “Where is Chief John Anderton when you need him?” They apparently also blame Tom Cruise.

James’ uncle, Rev. Darryl Seay, says James wasn’t raised like that, and that it’s as much the cops fault as it is James’. Rev. Seay also believes James is being verbally and physically abused right now by the police while he’s in jail without bond. He’s right obviously, because he’s a reverend. He’s also an ex-convict, but he apparently found God, so he’s straight. Besides, there is no possible way James could have been raised to be a criminal. Especially since his uncle, his father, and his brother have all done time, and they know that crime doesn’t pay.

The family also said the James was close discovering a procedure for cold fusion, and designs for a combustion engine that works on sunshine and lollipops. He’ll now never achieve his goals of ending the fighting in the Middle East, and ending world hunger.

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: The Oldest Rule in the Book

Posted in How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor with tags , on January 19, 2009 by JumpOut

Being the web’s number one resource on information that can save your life when confronted by crazed feral police officers, I feel I may have done a disservice to my readers. It seems I made a mistake by assuming that everyone knew the most elementary rule in not getting killed by the police. I have recently found evidence that this is not the case.

The oldest rule in the book of how not to get killed by the police, the one I mistakenly thought went without saying, is a very popular, and well known cliche’. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Maybe it is all of you who have failed me! Maybe you have all been poor students, and by not being mildly curious about what you could learn away from here, you have failed a fellow student. He has now lost his life because he made a simple, obvious mistake.

Well, I guess I have to teach you this one too. The number one rule in how not to get killed by the police is “Don’t Bring a Knife to Gunfight!” Jesus H. Christ what are you people doing out there? It’s like I’m raising children around here! I can’t believe this:

Spokesman Jeff Kappel says it started with a 911 call at 1:16 a.m. Wednesday from an Aurora Avenue motel.

Responding officers heard the woman screaming that the man had a knife. When they forced open the door, Kappel says, the man sprayed officers with a chemical irritant. Officers used a stun gun on the man twice but he fought it off and refused orders to drop the knife.

Kappel says when the man advanced he was shot by four or five officers and died at the scene.

As far as inciting shooting frenzies goes, the only thing more likely to illicit one than a drunk in a Nazi uniform pointing a WWII replica rifle loaded with blanks is a knife wielding wackaloon.

Come on, people, it’s your lives on the line. Do I have to do all the work around here?

Law Enforcement Facts: Don’t Be A Victim

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts, Stupid Criminals with tags , on January 14, 2009 by JumpOut

During the police academy, and throughout a law enforcement career, cops hear that “…it’s never the victim’s fault.” Anyone that has done this job long enough knows sometimes it is the victim’s fault. Not always, and some victims bear less fault than others, but there are definite instances where the blame falls squarely on the victim. It could be that these “victims” have just never been educated in how not to be a victim. This post will serve as a quick familiarization in how not to be a victim for those that are naive, stupid, or actually trying to be victimized.

Rule number one: Always be aware of your surroundings. You’d be surprised how many crimes could be prevented if this simple rule was followed. If you find yourself in an area with groups of shady looking entrepreneurs whose office is their driveway, or the street corner, find the nearest point of egress and exit stage left. Failure to follow this rule doesn’t necessarily mean it was your fault that you got robbed, but following this rule will definitely reduce the chances that you are a victim. Sometimes these types of places can’t be avoided. Then again if you are there to buy drugs, steal drugs, or engage in some other nefarious activity you deserve the ass whooping.

Rule number two: In God we trust, all others pay cash. Don’t trust anybody you don’t know. We had a lot of this after the storms. People would go door to door in damaged neighborhoods saying they were roofers looking to fix your roof for low, low prices. If you hired one of these yayhoos, and got your shit stolen or your roof is jacked up, it’s your fault. You let your greed get the best of you, and you did something stupid. Most of these shitbags are from out of town, and will be gone before you even realize your shit was stolen. Always use reputable, licensed companies or individuals for major home repairs. Don’t hire joe-shit the crackhead to work on your house. If he actually does the work you hired him for, you will be missing some lawn tools, or jewelry, or other miscellaneous items that are easily traded for crack.

Rule number three: If you are in a bad situation (i.e. your life recently seems like an episode of Jerry Springer) unass it. For instance, if you slept with some guy, and it all ended in restraining orders and jail time, sleeping with his step-father will likely have a sad ending as well. Or, if your husband beat your ass, and you had him arrested, when he shows up to get his crap and leave, don’t sabotage his vehicle so it won’t start. Let him go!

Rule number four: If you don’t regularly carry a gun, and you decide to go somewhere and before you leave you think: “I should bring a gun with me”, don’t freaking go! For the sake of argument, let’s say some guy stole some prescription medication from you. You thought this guy was a friend, so you decide to go confront him about it. When you get ready to leave you think to yourself, “I probably ought to bring a gun for protection.” That situation is going to end badly. You’re going to get killed, or arrested.

Rule number five: Always pay your drug dealer. If you want to live that lifestyle, you should be aware that drug dealers are all about their paper. They don’t like you, or care what happens to you. They want their money, bitch. Pay them, or they will beat the shit out of you, or kill you. Guess what, that’s your fault.

I hope this list has been helpful to you. While police officers do all they can to prevent crime, they can’t be everywhere. You should always do what you can to protect yourself. Don’t be an easy target, and don’t associate with persons of questionable repute. Stay safe out there.

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Be Aware of How You Look

Posted in How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , , on January 6, 2009 by JumpOut

Today in our recurring instructional series How Not to Get Killed by the Police, we’ll be looking into the way your appearance affects the mood of the animals in blue.Through exhaustive study we have come to the conclusion that your appearance, i.e. what you’re wearing, how you present yourself, etc. have a strong effect on the behaviors of feral hordes of police officers. Certain clothing items and accessories have more profound effects than others.

There is a common misconception that body piercings and certain haircuts can set off wild police officers, but this is simply not the case. Most police officers are no more than mildly amused by foolish looking jewelry and hair. A vintage Nazi uniform accessorized by what is most likely a functioning Mauser rifle, on the other hand, will most likely send police officers in the area into a shooting frenzy. To significantly increase your chances of being killed in a shooting frenzy by untamed police officers, make sure your Mauser rifle is loaded with blanks and be sure to fire it in the vicinity of any feral police officers you may find.

MSNBC makes our point:

Murphy was University of Washington honor student and musician. He was a history buff who often wore vintage uniforms and collected WWII memorabilia, including a vintage German infantry rifle.

Early on New Years Day, police were called to the University District where Murphy had been firing blanks into the air to celebrate.

“He was holding the rifle in both hands. He pointed the rifle in their direction,” said Seattle Police Chief Gil Kerlikowske Friday.

Police Murphy refused several orders to drop the weapon.

“We hear, ‘Sir put the gun down. Don’t reach for anything. Don’t move. Put the gun down.’ Really shouting loud, shouting quick,” said Mark Kedziora, Murphy’s housemate.

“He raised the rifle and pointed it at them, and then briefly lowered it. He raised it again,” said Kerlikowske.

Two officers shot Murphy several times and he died at a hospital.

Apparently he had not been keeping up with our extensive research here at You Should Be Tasered. Had he been a regular reader this tragedy may not have befallen him. So tune in regularly boys and girls, so you can learn How Not to Get Killed by the Police.

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Survival Spanish

Posted in How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor with tags , , on December 22, 2008 by JumpOut

Today, in How Not to Get Killed by the Police, we’re going to discuss a very serious problem: Illegal immigration. Illegal immigrants pose a threat to many industries where the workers are typically paid in cash. One of the hardest hit professions is kidnapping.

Let’s say you’re a kidnapper just trying to do your job. You find a mark, and snatch him up. When you demand money from him, he says that he doesn’t have any, but he can make a phone call and get some. Obviously, in these tough economic times, nobody can afford to pass up a possible payday. When he makes the call, he starts speaking Spanish. How the hell do you know what he’s saying?

Here’s an example from the Atlanta Journal Constitution:

The kidnapping victim, an unidentified 31-year-old man, had just left another Waffle House. He was walking along Buford Highway near Lenox Road when two men in a burgundy Pontiac Grand Prix pulled up and forced him into the car at gunpoint, Meadows said.

They demanded money from the man, who said he had to call someone to get some, Meadows said. Instead, the victim called 911 on his cell phone and spoke Spanish to a police dispatcher.

The mark took advantage of the poor kidnapper’s ignorance of the Spanish language to attract dangerous police officers. Well, we all know how the story ends:

The officer fired one shot at the suspect, striking him in the chest, after the man got out of his vehicle and reached for his waistband, said Atlanta police Lt. Keith Meadows, commander of the homicide unit.

The man, George Pierre, 31, of Atlanta ran away, stumbled to the ground, got up and ran into street, where he was tackled by another officer and died.

Another life wasted because of the influx of illegal immigrants to this country.

Here is a quick list of simple Spanish words and phrases that could save your life, and possibly prevent your getting killed by the police:

  • Rico suave – Don’t call the police
  • Caca pasa – Hang up the phone
  • Uno cerveza, por favor – Give me all your money

And if all else fails, and you’re confronted by blood-thirsty, gun-wielding police officers, just say:

  • coja la policía – I surrender

Brush up on your Spanish. It could save your life one day. Remember, if the person doesn’t understand what you’re saying, speak louder.

This has been another installment of How Not to Get Killed by the Police brought to you by Law Enforcement Humor and Political Satire at You Should Be Tasered.

Law Enforcement Facts: What to Know Before You Call the Police

Posted in Humor, Law Enforcement Facts, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , on December 19, 2008 by JumpOut

During my time in law enforcement I’ve found that many people that call the police are very unfamiliar with the criminal laws that govern them. Here is a helpful list to make your next contact with law enforcement more pleasant:

  • One anonymous hang-up phone-call doesn’t count as “harassment”
  • You “knowing” that someone is selling drugs does not count as probable cause
  • If your dog gets hit by a car in the road, you will be charged for allowing your dog to be in the road
  • Yes, I can arrest you for Domestic Violence in your own house
  • You being the one that called the police doesn’t give you immunity from arrest
  • Just because your lawyer said it doesn’t make it so
  • You might beat the rap, but you won’t beat the ride

The information contained in this list should help you determine whether or not you should call the police in some common situations. Hopefully your next contact with law enforcement will be a smooth one.

And Now for Something Completely Different

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts, Linky Love with tags on December 16, 2008 by JumpOut

Check out this post at Support Your Local Gunfighter for even more Law Enforcement Humor!

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Wilderness Safety

Posted in How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor, Stupid Criminals with tags , , , on December 16, 2008 by JumpOut

Outdoor activities can be fun for mom, dad, junior, sissy, or even deranged Uncle Bob and his puppy. Don’t let carelessness turn a fun family outing into a blood-splattered scene of mayhem and death.

Thanks to the How Not to Get Killed by the Police series, we are all aware of how dangerous police officers in the wild can be. If you’re out in a wooded area walking your dog, brandishing a firearm, or just living there, you should be aware that it is possible that you could inadvertently cross paths with roaming groups of wild police officers.

If you should find yourself in a similar situation:

[Via Miami Herald]

The man lived in a heavily wooded area behind the community center at Naranja Park, 14150 SW 264th St. He slept under a blue tarp, next to his pots and pans.

Three detectives from the South District — until recently called the Cutler Ridge station — drove to the park Thursday afternoon.

They were investigating a report of a man who had pointed a rifle at a school bus several days ago, then ran into the same wooded area.

While they were scouring the woods, the dog burst out of the brush toward police. The man popped out, too.

You should remember that the wild police officers are very unpredictable when in a normal state. Like any wild animal, the danger is doubled when you startle them.

If you mistakenly cross the path of police officers in the wild, you should immediately fall to the ground, cover your face and head, and curl into ball. You have to show the police officers you are not a threat. If you fail to follow this advice, the outcome could be tragic:

”The suspect armed himself. He raised his weapon and police fired,” said Miami-Dade Detective Roy Rutland, a spokesman.

The man and the dog were mortally wounded. No officers were injured.

”The officers were in fear for their lives and their safety when the subject pointed a rifle at them,” said Brendan Coyle, an attorney with the Police Benevolent Association.

Don’t let this happen to you. Remember to get your dose of Law Enforcement Humor and Political Satire everyday from You Should Be Tasered so you can learn How Not to Get Killed by the Police.

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