Archive for the Stupid Hippies Category

Naked Dude Gets The Crap Tased Out Of Him

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, Stupid Criminals, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , , , , on May 2, 2009 by JumpOut

I know, it’s a link to the Huffington Post. I despise HuffPo with every fiber of being, and would not willingly direct any of my readers to that den of asshattery. However, these are special circumstances. This video is too great not send you to it. I don’t know what else to do.

Now, in preparing to view this gem you need to keep in mind two things. First this video is not safe for work. Second, Jealous? Jealous of what?

So click here to view the video. Don’t venture too far away from the video, or you may get covered in batshit, and squirrel turds.

Let this be a lesson to you boys, and girls, when the friendly police man is asking you politely to do something, it’s not a good idea to say “I don’t have to!” Because, actually, you do have to. And you will, one way or the other.

Right Wing Extremist Vs. Law Enforcement

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, Politics, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , on April 18, 2009 by JumpOut

I find myself in a paradox. I’m sure you have all heard about the Department of Homeland Security report on right wing extremists. Basically the report warns law enforcement that right wing extremism is on the rise, and gives us some clues on how to spot right wing extremists.

You might be a dangerous right wing extremist if you don’t think Barack Obama is doing a good job. You might be a dangerous right wing extremist if you don’t want to see more restrictions on firearms and ammunition. You might be a dangerous right wing extremist if you think illegal immigration is a problem.

The paradox comes in because I am all of the above. So I guess I am supposed to be on the look out for myself. What should I do if I see myself? Should I notify Homeland Security, or the FBI? Should I take cover and call for back up? Should I try to apprehend myself? Apparently I am a threat to society and charged with protecting society. I am so confused.

See I don’t want to go to jail. Maybe I should hide from myself. I think I’ll have to stop shaving to avoid detection. That would cause me to grow a beard, and I might have a harder time recognizing myself. I thought about running, but I don’t think I can outrun me.

Quit Being Such a Pussy About Tasers

Posted in Humor, Stupid Criminals, Stupid Hippies with tags , , on March 11, 2009 by JumpOut

What the hell is going on with people these days? Not you people, my readers are filled with kickassery, but there are some whiney ass people tear assing around the country just trying to force their pussification on everyone.

Did you know there is actually a group called The Coalition to Control Tasers? I guess there have been Tasers roaming the countryside attacking unsuspecting citizens. I don’t know about you, but my taser is pretty well controlled. I guess it’s possible when I go to bed my taser sneaks out of the house and tases old grannies and small children while I sleep. I wonder how many members of this coalition have been tased. I wonder how many of them have bathed in the last week?

God forbid some some two-bit crackhead has to ride the lightening. God forbid law enforcement has a relatively safe and effective tool with which to enforce the law. I’m sorry, but if some tweaker with a heart condition gets hopped up on meth, and dies after being tased, I don’t give a rat’s ass. As far as I know, there aren’t cops picking people at random and tasing them for no reason.

I’m sure most of the people that get tased will tell you they were sitting under a shade tree, reading their bible, and contemplating the nature of charity. I got news for you; that ain’t true. That’s just like the guy that calls the police about getting beat up by four black guys for no reason. That just doesn’t happen all that often.

Another thing these anti-taser hippies whine about is when granny gets tased. They act like there is no possible justification for tasing an elderly woman. Have you ever dealt with a cantankerous old woman suffering from dementia? Yes, old people commit crimes for which they need to be arrested. Old people also get committed to the nervous hospital because they flip their lid. Yes, old people resist arrest, and they don’t particularly like the tapioca at the nervous hospital. Would you prefer that I slam old blue haired granny on the pavement and break her hip, or do you think that just maybe granny would rather be in immense pain for five seconds than having to be confined to a wheel chair for the short while she has left on the planet?

Why does anybody listen to these damned granola eating, whiney ass hippies? Have we come to a point as a nation that anytime the babies cry, we give them their pacifier? Let the little assholes cry themselves to sleep. Maybe they’ll wake up in a better mood, and stop throwing their tantrums.

Just because I can’t watch this one enough.

A Note for Barack Obama’s Fridge

Posted in Politics, Stupid Hippies with tags , on March 2, 2009 by JumpOut

Reminder:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. –Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these states.

Post that on your refrigerator, Mr. President. You will do well to remember it. You are not just Barack Obama. You are the President of the United States of America, and you carry the abuses and usurpations of the previous office holders along with the title. Maybe people will finally wake up. Maybe they will stop worrying about who controls the power of the federal government, and realize the federal government wields too much power.

Sorry, this wasn’t very funny was it.

Hippies Smell Like Crap…

Posted in Linky Love, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , on February 28, 2009 by JumpOut

…But apparently hippie crap has no smell. And people wonder why I think hippie eradication would solve 90% of the world’s problems.

For Your Viewing Pleasure

Posted in Humor, law enforcement, Stupid Criminals, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , , , on February 10, 2009 by JumpOut

Here’s a little something to keep you entertained while I’m working to keep the streets safe. It’s a video of who I can only imagine is Eric Cartman after years of struggling with his meth habit doing something stupid. Check it out.

Why Hippies Suck More Now Than They Did in the Sixties

Posted in Humor, Stupid Hippies with tags , , on February 6, 2009 by JumpOut

We all know that hippies suck. They don’t bathe, they make public places inaccessible with their incessant public whining about the cause du jour, and they make crappy music. Hippies have sucked since the first one was born from the unholy mating of a beatnik and a communist.

Early hippies promoted a bunch of drug-addled, idiotic silliness. Retarded crap like they shouldn’t have to suffer the consequences of bad decisions, peace at all costs, and the idea that it is okay for ugly people to have sex. As much as I hate to admit it, they did have one positive trait. They questioned the accepted social norms of their time.

Through the evolutionary process, modern hippies have retained the same drug-addled, idiotic ideas, but they’ve lost their one desirable quality. You can find evidence of this in any debate that involves hippies. Places such as the global warming cooling climate change debate, anti-war rallies, and just politics in general.

I have yet to meet a hippie that can tell me exactly what the ideal temperature of the Earth is, but there is no shortage of hippies that believe we are killing the Earth. I have yet to meet a hippie that doesn’t feel repressed, but there is no shortage of hippies that will try to shut down your business if you do something they disagree with. I have yet to meet a hippie that enjoys being tasered, but there is no shortage of hippies that need a tasering. That last one really has nothing to do with this discussion, but we can’t talk about hippies without tasers involved.

Some of the hippie idiocy has become “mainstream”. Hippies follow those ideals without question. If you disagree with their foolishness, they shout you down, craft the Fairness Doctrine, and do whatever nastiness they see fit to keep you from voicing your opinion. They throw hippie tantrums like children who do not want to eat their brussels sprouts.

Hippies have become that which the early hippies fought against. They have become a caricature of their former selves. They are living, breathing, walking, talking pieces of satire. To fix this problem, we need to go to a rain forest, cut it down, make a ton wooden spikes, and start impaling hippies. I know it won’t solve anything, but it should be pretty fun.

How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Be Aware of How You Look

Posted in How Not to Get Killed by the Police, Humor, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , , on January 6, 2009 by JumpOut

Today in our recurring instructional series How Not to Get Killed by the Police, we’ll be looking into the way your appearance affects the mood of the animals in blue.Through exhaustive study we have come to the conclusion that your appearance, i.e. what you’re wearing, how you present yourself, etc. have a strong effect on the behaviors of feral hordes of police officers. Certain clothing items and accessories have more profound effects than others.

There is a common misconception that body piercings and certain haircuts can set off wild police officers, but this is simply not the case. Most police officers are no more than mildly amused by foolish looking jewelry and hair. A vintage Nazi uniform accessorized by what is most likely a functioning Mauser rifle, on the other hand, will most likely send police officers in the area into a shooting frenzy. To significantly increase your chances of being killed in a shooting frenzy by untamed police officers, make sure your Mauser rifle is loaded with blanks and be sure to fire it in the vicinity of any feral police officers you may find.

MSNBC makes our point:

Murphy was University of Washington honor student and musician. He was a history buff who often wore vintage uniforms and collected WWII memorabilia, including a vintage German infantry rifle.

Early on New Years Day, police were called to the University District where Murphy had been firing blanks into the air to celebrate.

“He was holding the rifle in both hands. He pointed the rifle in their direction,” said Seattle Police Chief Gil Kerlikowske Friday.

Police Murphy refused several orders to drop the weapon.

“We hear, ‘Sir put the gun down. Don’t reach for anything. Don’t move. Put the gun down.’ Really shouting loud, shouting quick,” said Mark Kedziora, Murphy’s housemate.

“He raised the rifle and pointed it at them, and then briefly lowered it. He raised it again,” said Kerlikowske.

Two officers shot Murphy several times and he died at a hospital.

Apparently he had not been keeping up with our extensive research here at You Should Be Tasered. Had he been a regular reader this tragedy may not have befallen him. So tune in regularly boys and girls, so you can learn How Not to Get Killed by the Police.

Global Warming Believers Are Stupid

Posted in Humor, News, Politics, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , , , , , on December 16, 2008 by JumpOut

Apparently snow in South Louisiana is an indicator of how hot everything else is getting. Who knew?

Scientists fear that what’s happening with Arctic ice melt will be amplified so that ominous sea level rise will occur sooner than they expected. They predict Arctic waters could be ice-free in summers, perhaps by 2013, decades earlier than they thought only a few years ago.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t we already supposed to be ankle deep in ocean water in Nevada by now or something? I know we’re supposed to be out of oil by now too.

Complicating everything is the worldwide financial meltdown. Frank Maisano, a Washington energy specialist and spokesman who represents coal-fired utilities and refineries, sees the poor economy as “a huge factor” that could stop everything. That’s because global warming efforts are aimed at restricting coal power, which is cheap. That would likely mean higher utility bills and more damage to ailing economies that depend on coal production, he said.

Of course, let’s screw everybody for the sake of our stupid religion. This is more important than people. People are why this happened, so they deserve to suffer.

Mother Nature, of course, is oblivious to the federal government’s machinations. Ironically, 2008 is on pace to be a slightly cooler year in a steadily rising temperature trend line. Experts say it’s thanks to a La Nina weather variation. While skeptics are already using it as evidence of some kind of cooling trend, it actually illustrates how fast the world is warming.

There’s the punchline, I can’t do better than that. Remember, there is no debate! Every scientist in the world agrees that man-made global warming is the shit! In the words of Mystikal, “If I tell ya it’s the shit, then that’s just what it is!”

Of Hippies and Tasers

Posted in Criminal Justice, Humor, Law Enforcement Facts, Stupid Hippies with tags , , , , , on November 18, 2008 by JumpOut

Hippies Don’t React Well to Tasers...Nor Should They

Being devoted to law enforcement humor, I often search the interwebs for humorous stories involving law enforcement. One fount of endless material is the taser. There aren’t many things funnier than watching a stupid hippie get tased. Who doesn’t enjoy that? While that may seem a rhetorical question, it isn’t. Apparently hippies don’t like when hippies get tased.

This comes as an utter shock to me. When we law enforcement officers roam the countryside looking for random hippies to tase, it never once occurred to me that there were some people that didn’t find getting tased funny. Take the “Don’t Tase Me Bro!” guy for example. You can’t tell me he didn’t know that he was providing serious comedy material. He played his part perfectly. From the incoherent public ramblings to the actively resisting police, right down to the screaming like a bitch as the taser is deployed, that was comedy gold.

Now hippies like Amnesty International say that police officers repeatedly tase people after they’ve been completely immobilized. This is utter hogwash. Everybody knows that multiple taserings are some of the funniest around. My favorite tasing video, “multiple-taser drunk” guy, is one of the funniest videos ever. This guy obviously didn’t mind getting tased. Why else would he get hit five times by the taser? Still, stupid hippies are trying to stop the police from using tasers.

Why would hippies want to take this effective, and immensely funny tool away from police officers? Well, hippies are evil, and don’t want you to laugh. Don’t believe me? Read the essay I linked in the sub-head. In that essay, a stupid hippie tries to use taser deaths as an indictment of Club G’itmo, the tv show 24, and the George W. Bush Administration. While such an essay may prove to be funny if it were satire, this essay was not satire at all; therefore, it’s not funny at all. Come to think of it, I wish I would have come up with the idea first. That would have been Frankj level comedy genius.

If you love law enforcement and comedy, you should do all in your power to stop the stupid hippies from taking away the taser. First, it’s the taser, then they’ll want to outlaw all forms of schadenfreude. The next thing you’ll know is the only comedy you’ll be allowed to see will be reruns of Dharma and Greg and Saturday Night Live. It’s a slippery slope people. Do you want your world to be devoid of taser humor?

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