Right Wing Extremist Vs. Law Enforcement

I find myself in a paradox. I’m sure you have all heard about the Department of Homeland Security report on right wing extremists. Basically the report warns law enforcement that right wing extremism is on the rise, and gives us some clues on how to spot right wing extremists.

You might be a dangerous right wing extremist if you don’t think Barack Obama is doing a good job. You might be a dangerous right wing extremist if you don’t want to see more restrictions on firearms and ammunition. You might be a dangerous right wing extremist if you think illegal immigration is a problem.

The paradox comes in because I am all of the above. So I guess I am supposed to be on the look out for myself. What should I do if I see myself? Should I notify Homeland Security, or the FBI? Should I take cover and call for back up? Should I try to apprehend myself? Apparently I am a threat to society and charged with protecting society. I am so confused.

See I don’t want to go to jail. Maybe I should hide from myself. I think I’ll have to stop shaving to avoid detection. That would cause me to grow a beard, and I might have a harder time recognizing myself. I thought about running, but I don’t think I can outrun me.

A Note for Barack Obama’s Fridge

Reminder:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. –Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these states.

Post that on your refrigerator, Mr. President. You will do well to remember it. You are not just Barack Obama. You are the President of the United States of America, and you carry the abuses and usurpations of the previous office holders along with the title. Maybe people will finally wake up. Maybe they will stop worrying about who controls the power of the federal government, and realize the federal government wields too much power.

Sorry, this wasn’t very funny was it.

The Fiscal Responsibility Summit

Isn’t President Obama hosting a fiscal responsibility summit at this point kind of like Jenna Jameson hosting an abstinence summit?

The Economy Is So Dead

For months now we’ve been hearing about how awful the economy is. We’ve heard that nobody is driving, we’ve heard that nobody is shopping, and we’ve heard that nobody is working. Everybody is getting a bailout (except for unknown law enforcement humor bloggers) and the economy is still suffering.

This begs one question: Where in the fuck did all these people at the mall come from? Are they freakin’ foreigners? If everybody is broke, and nobody is driving, shopping or working, why did it take me three hours to buy two things at the mall today?

I have some advice for all you broke, unemployed, sorry, sons of bitches out there. STAY OUT OF THE GODDAMNED MALL!!!!

Global Warming Believers Are Stupid

Apparently snow in South Louisiana is an indicator of how hot everything else is getting. Who knew?

Scientists fear that what’s happening with Arctic ice melt will be amplified so that ominous sea level rise will occur sooner than they expected. They predict Arctic waters could be ice-free in summers, perhaps by 2013, decades earlier than they thought only a few years ago.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t we already supposed to be ankle deep in ocean water in Nevada by now or something? I know we’re supposed to be out of oil by now too.

Complicating everything is the worldwide financial meltdown. Frank Maisano, a Washington energy specialist and spokesman who represents coal-fired utilities and refineries, sees the poor economy as “a huge factor” that could stop everything. That’s because global warming efforts are aimed at restricting coal power, which is cheap. That would likely mean higher utility bills and more damage to ailing economies that depend on coal production, he said.

Of course, let’s screw everybody for the sake of our stupid religion. This is more important than people. People are why this happened, so they deserve to suffer.

Mother Nature, of course, is oblivious to the federal government’s machinations. Ironically, 2008 is on pace to be a slightly cooler year in a steadily rising temperature trend line. Experts say it’s thanks to a La Nina weather variation. While skeptics are already using it as evidence of some kind of cooling trend, it actually illustrates how fast the world is warming.

There’s the punchline, I can’t do better than that. Remember, there is no debate! Every scientist in the world agrees that man-made global warming is the shit! In the words of Mystikal, “If I tell ya it’s the shit, then that’s just what it is!”

Giving Credit to Obama

Leftards like to accuse us conservatives of being narrow minded and bigoted and all the rest. I guess I can understand why. I mean, the way I lampooned Obama’s media coverage and ridiculed Obama’s associations it probably seems I just don’t like the guy. But that’s not so. Well, I don’t like the guy, but that doesn’t mean I disagree with everything he says.

Barack Obama and I agree on one thing: There must be a playoff system in College Football. There is no sane reason not to. I’m sick of hearing about USC’s so-called “2003 national championship.” If Oklahoma wins this year (they won’t) Texas has a legitimate gripe since they had the same record, beat Oklahoma head-to-head and didn’t even get a shot at the conference title because of the Big 12’s tie breaker system. If Oklahoma manages to beat Florida, Oklahoma fans will be so sick of hearing about how Texas should have had a shot from ESPN they are going to hang themselves in large numbers. All this end of the year conjecture is stupid, let them settle it on the field.

I always hear the biggest reasons there is no playoff system are:

1. Players will miss too much class
2. We can’t get rid of bowl games
3. The Big Ten, Notre Dame, and USC will never win another national championship

Okay, so I added that last one, but it is true. Anyhoo, I think we can come up with a system that addresses those concerns. First, we make it an eight team playoff, which would add at most three games to the schedule. We cut the regular season by two games, and anybody that wants to be considered eligible must play the same number of games, ten regular season and a conference championship game. We add two existing bowl games (like the Cotton Bowl and Capital One Bowl) to the BCS series, and make the BCS series your playoffs. All the other bowl games will remain just as they always were.

We must reorganize the BCS conferences. We kick out the PAC 10 and the Big East to start. Then, every two years the conference with the fewest number of BCS teams gets kicked out, and the conference with the most at large bids gets in.

The first four teams will come from the BCS conference champions, and the next four will be the highest rated teams in the BCS that aren’t already in by winning their conference.

This won’t extend the season by much. It won’t spell the doom of the bowl games. It would give any team willing to organize their conference similarly to the BCS conferences a chance to win it all. If we had implemented this plan this year the BCS would look like this:

• Florida(SEC CC)
• Okalahoma (Big 12 CC)
• Penn State (Big 10 CC)
• Virginia Tech(ACC CC)
• Texas(#3)
• Alabama(#4)
• USC(#5)
• Utah(#6)

Those eight teams would have a shot at a legitimate National Championship. Even Utah. Then again, I’m just a poor dumb civil servant, what the hell do I know.

Racism Markets Crash in Anticipation of Obama Presidency

On November 4, 2008, Barack Obama was elected President of the United States. November 6, 2008, the Racism Stock Market has crashed to record lows.

Businesses that profit from racism are reeling today with the election of Barack Obama. Drastic cut backs are closing the doors to branch offices of the Rainbow-Push Coalition, National Action Network, and the NAACP among others. Massive layoffs have left many race-pimps without jobs.

Quanel Shabazz Lamumbo, a community organizer with Blacks and Underprivileged Minorities (BUM) says that he’ll have to cut back on Christmas Spending this year with the Race Industry in the tank. “Man, we used to be able to tell whitey how his great-great-great grandparents owned slaves and he’d feel so bad he’d give us money. Now that whitey has elected a brotha for president, they ain’t buyin’ that bullshit no more.”

The Right Reverend Dr. Jesse Sharpton of the Black African-American Association (BAAA) claims that donations from black supporters are down as well. “Brothas feel like that since a black man is the president, they’ve reached the pinnacle. We can’t convince them that honkies are keeping them down. They are no longer willing to blindly support us.”

This slow-down in donations and racial division has prompted the Congressional Black Caucus to call for a bailout of the racism industry. In a speech on the floor of the US House of Representatives, Rep. Chaka Fattah (D, PA) said, “We cannot rescue Wall Street while Martin Luther King Blvd. suffers.”

Some Americans reject the bailout as a “continuation of flawed policies that have divided this country for too long.” There is a small group of Republicans in the House of Representatives that say they will fight the bailout package, but most experts believe they’ll either be guilted into supporting the bailout by being called racists, or bought off by pork-barrel projects included in whatever legislation is proposed.

This could be the worst racism economy since the market’s inception. Many fear it will only get worse before it gets better.

Barrack Obama: Of the People, By the People, For the People, Chapter 4

As teh Messiah spake, the crowds gathered. They gathered in great multitudes in the cities and towns to hear teh One speak of redemption. They chanted and prayed. They cheered and hugged. They performed fellatio on each other to congratulate themselves on the monumental accomplishment of ending white guilt.

At the appointed time, at the appointed place, Barrack stood before the cheering multitudes. He said, “Can we make Amerikkka a better nation?” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!” Obama said, “Can we hope for change?” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!” The Most Merciful One On High said, “Can we defeat the forces of evil, and unite the world?” The crowd chanted “YES WE CAN!” Teh Messiah said, “Do you want salvation from the sins of your ancestors?” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!” Barrack said, “I’ll tell you how!” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!”

As the crowd continued to chant, “YES WE CAN!” the evil honkey McCraker was brought out before the crowd. McCracker had been trying to seize power over Amerikka and was the only obstacle left to prevent teh Messiah’s ascendancy.

Teh Messiah said, “Can we get rid of this white devil?” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!” And with that, McCracker was tossed into the writhing, frenzied, crowd. McCracker then joined in, “YES WE CAN!”

Barrack then said, “Can you make me your leader?” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!” Barrack said, “Then I absolve you of the sins of your ancestors. Go forth and sin no more.” The crowd chanted, “YES WE CAN!”

As the crowd continued to chant, “YES WE CAN!” Lord Obama gave a speech in celebration and acceptance of this monumental occasion. He said, “Amerikkka better have my money come rain sleet or snow. That bitch better have my money. Not some, not half, but all my cash. Because if she don’t, I’m gonna put my foot dead in her ass.”

The crowd chanted: “YES WE CAN

YES WE CAN

YES WE CAN

YES WE CAN!!!!1!1one!”

This has been part four of the Biography of Barrack Obama brought to you by ACORN, mind numbed sycophants, and Flyguy You can read the other chapters here.

They See Me Roll on, My Segway!

San Jose Police Officers to get White N Nerdy!

I would so freakin’ quit!

San Jose police officers will be patrolling downtown in some new wheels. But not a car or a motorcycle. They’ll be riding Segways.

Only in Cali-friggin-fornia. So what does the dip-shit police chief have to say for himself?

Police Chief Rob Davis says the two-wheeled motorized scooters will make officers more visible and approachable in the downtown entertainment zone.

Heh, visible, approachable, and laughable.

“We have found that at the airport, people seem to like coming up to officers and engage them in conversation,” Police Chief Rob Davis said. “It seems to break down a barrier.”

Unfortunately most of those conversations start like this: So uh, you gonna give me your lunch money today, or do you need another wedgie?

“To be able to scoot along without having to rely on patrol cars just seems to make a lot of sense,” Davis said.

Maybe, but enticing people to try to beat up police officers for their lunch money doesn’t. The day my department gets taken over by hippies like this is the day I turn in my badge for good. God damned dirty stinkin’ hippies.

Vocabulary After 11/04/2008

In the lead up to the election there was much ado about racist codewords. I think the English language will undergo a major change after Teh One™ ascends to his post as leader of the free world. It will be learned that there are even more racist codewords out there. Here’s a sneak peak of what you will not be able to say after 11/04/2008:

• Hussein – Use of the word Hussein will no longer be tolerated by the civilian national security force. Any reference to the now room temperature Iraqi dictator will include the new sanitized last name “Smith”. Example: I sure am glad the United States hung ole Saddam Smith.
• Tax Increase – The term tax increase will no longer be tolerated by the civilian national security force. Any time Teh Messiah raises taxes it must be referred to as “institutionalized charity”.
• Socialism – The term Socialism will no longer be tolerated by the civilian national security force. The term used to describe a form of government in which the means of production is controlled by the state will be “Economic Equalism”.
• Communism – The term Communism will no longer be tolerated by the civilian national security force. The term used to describe those governments previously classified as Communist will be Utopian.
• Terrorism – The term terrorism will no longer be tolerated by the civilian national security force. The acceptable term for violence against civilians to achieve political or ideological objectives by creating fear will be meteorology.

I can train you to survive when dealing with the roving bands of feral police officers. I don’t think I can help you with a civilian national security force. Maybe Humor-blogs.com has some training tips.