Barrack Obama: Of the People, By the People, and For the People

Barrack Obama was born of a poor virgin who became pregnant after being struck by lightening. He grew up a slave to white plantation owners in Selma, Alabama. His masters wiled away the hours by shooting at him, and beating him about the head and torso with bibles. Through it all, Barrack stayed optimistic. Though his days were filled with cotton picking, bullet dodging, and being beaten by bibles, he knew one day, he’d be somebody. That day would be a Tuesday.

On a hot summer Tuesday on the Selma Plantation, Barrack was visited by the Arch-Angel Gabriel. Gabriel said to Barrack, “Take this staff, and tell whitey to let my people go!” The ten year old Barrack was very afraid. He said to Gabriel, “This is Amerikkka, I don’t dare speak to whitey like that!” The Arch-Angel Gabriel replied, “God Damn Amerikkka, you take this staff and show those crackers how we roll!” Barrack, though still afraid, complied with the Angel’s commands.

The next day, Barrack took his anointed staff up to the big house. He said, “Whitey, let my people go or a plague will be descended upon your house!” But whitey’s heart was hard. Whitey replied, “Tobey, get your black ass back to the cotton field, or I’ll get my bible after you!”

It was at that moment that the Isaac Hayes music started playing in the background. Barrack raised his staff towards heaven, lightening struck, thunder crashed and one third of whitey’s money disappeared. Seeing this wondrous display of divine power whitey let all the slaves go. Whitey said to Barrack,”Messiah, can you ever forgive the wickedness of our ways?” Barrack said, “Give me some more money and I’ll think about it, caracker ass cracker!”

And that is how Barrack ended slavery, and brought about the beginning of the end of racism in Amerikkka.

This has been part one of the Biography of Barrack Obama, brought to you by the Associated Press, Katie Couric, and Keith Olbermann.

Part II
Part III